And the Winners is... MMM Awards 2013 Winners

Welcome, Whores of Salem, to the First Annual Montana Mancave Massacre Excellence in Horror Awards!

I know all 22 of my readers have been waiting, huddled 'round their monitors for the suspense to be over. Fear not Cavecrawlers! The winners of the first annual MMMies are assembled below and just a'waitin' to receive their prizes. What prizes, you may ask? Each winner will receive, upon written request, a framed printout (from my very own shitty Kodak printer) of the MMMie statuette pictured above. But wait, that's not all. Additionally, each winner will also receive a no-expenses-paid trip to Helena, MT, where they can spend a magical evening watching a hand-picked selection of horror films with yours truly, in the legendary Mancave. That's right, imagine, if you will, the glamour of sitting on my paint-stained hand-me-down sofa and swilling micros from the Blackfoot River Brewery straight from the growler while screening Dawn of the Mummy on my 24-inch VHS/DVD combo TV. I can feel your genitals tingling just thinking about it. So without further to-do... The Winners!

 

The Best Actress Winner is...

 

 

Meg Foster for The Lords of Salem

Go ahead, call it a comeback. I was just too jazzed about Meg Foster's triumphant return to the silver screen that I couldn't help but give her the prize. She owns Lords of Salem. While on set, she had a daily habit of putting Rob Zombie into a headlock and demanding, "Who owns Lords of Salem?" When Rob would concede with a whimpered, "You do," she would only squeeze harder and say, "I do what?" Not until he answered with the appropriate, "You own Lords of Salem Ms. Foster," could that day's shooting begin. But don't feel sorry for the distinguished Mr. Zombie. He loved every minute of it.

The Best Novelization Winner is...

 

 

The Lords of Salem by Rob Zombie and B.K. Evenson

Another reason not to feel sorry for the distinguished Mr. Zombie. He's been awarded an MMMie in a category that wasn't even announced. There was literally no competition in this category, because while there were some novels adapted for the screen this year, I'm pretty sure this was the only honest-to-gods novelization of a horror movie in 2013. It's a pretty fun read too. It was written by Brian Evenson based on Rob Zombie's original screenplay, meaning that it is Zombie's vision for the film before budget constraints and other realities of filmmaking came into play. There are a few scenes I really wish would have made it into the film.  For instance, when they first play the Lords record over the air, their phones start ringing off the hook with women begging for them to play it again, and men who violently hate the song. After each time they play it, a woman in Salem murders her husband or boyfriend in grisly, ritualistic fashion. But for every scene I wished had made it were about 3 things I'm glad he changed in the film. So, if you're obsessed with Lords of Salem like I am, pick this one up for sure.

The Best Actor Winner is...

 

 

Toby Jones for Berberian Sound Studio

 

When I first conceived these awards, I was convinced that Best Actor was going to A.J. Bowen for You're Next! Bowen is awesome in everything, and the subtle choices he makes in it add up to perfect, especially on the second viewing. But the more I thought about it, I became convinced that no other horror movie this year was as completely dependent on its lead's performance than Berberian Sound Studio. And honestly, I was a little disappointed with the film. But I was absolutely impressed with Mr. Jones, who finally gets to be the star of a movie after a career's worth of fantastic character acting.

The Year's Most Pleasant Surprise was...

 

 

Would You Rather?

 

I wasn't expecting much from this one. I love Jeffrey Combs, but his presence doesn't guarantee a movie won't suck. Other than him, the big names were Sasha Grey, who you might know from porn, and Britanny Snow, who starred in the infuriatingly bad Prom Night remake. Well, Ms. Snow completely redeems herself here, turning in a convincing and powerful performance. While there's darker places a movie with this premise could have gone, there was some pretty shocking violence and a banquet full of tension. This one came out under the IFC Midnight imprint, which should have been a tip-off that

The Best Screenplay Winner is...

 

Don Coscarelli for John Dies at the End

There was some stiff competition in this category, but Coscarelli gets the MMMie simply for writing the coolest dialogue since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. While Simon Barrett and the Brothers Hayes get major points for their mastery of structure, John Dies at the End is a labyrinth of weird. Around every corner is a scene even stranger, funnier, and more imaginative than the last. And yes, David Wong gets major credit for penning the source material, but Coscarelli took that divine madness and turned it into a funhouse of a movie every bit as addictive as Soy Sauce.

 

The Year's Biggest Disappointment was...

 

Pretty much my expression during the whole movie.

 

The Last Exorcism Part II

 

Now I love a good slow-burn horror movie, but this one was more of a no-burn. And I'll admit I didn't make it to the end. The Last Exorcism Part 2 bears the distinction of being the only film that's ever made me walk out of the theater. So, I guess there's a chance it got really good in the last 15 minutes, but I can't imagine sitting through the first dismal 75 again just to get there.

The Best Director Winner is...

 

James Wan for The Conjuring

I'm just uber-impressed with how far James Wan has come as a filmmaker, and since this may be the last opportunity I'll have to give him an MMMie, I took it. Who knows, he might delve back into horror again someday, but I expect it will be a good long while. Cheers, Mr. Wan, I'm looking forward to subjecting you to Shriek of the Mutilated when you finally make it 'round to the old mancave to collect on your prize.

Special Achievement in Gore Award goes to...

 

 

 

If a picture's worth a thousand words, an animated gif is worth, like... more.

Evil Dead

 

While it didn't make the cut for my top 5 best horror films, I really enjoyed Fede Alvarez's gruesome remake of Evil Dead. I suppose the film was just too light on character to push it to the top of my list, but the special effects kicked every other film's proverbial ass. This one's really fun, and I'm glad most of the initial naysayers came around.


But now, it's the moment a couple of you might have been waiting for...

And Winner of the First Annual MMM Excellence in Horror Award for Best Picture is...

 

You're Next!

I've been firmly aboard the Adam Wingard bandwagon since I saw A Horrible Way to Die, and many of the same things I love about that film are the very reasons I'm so enamored of this one. The characters and dialogue are very natural, very believable. While I don't always like them, I always relate at some level, or at least recognize them in people I know (okay, except for the psychos). I think the newly-dubbed mumblegore subgenre does everything that found footage movies are trying and mostly failing to do: adding that level of realism that makes the film all the more frightening. At times, particularly during the dinner scene, if feels like it could be a documentary of a real family, and it does it without having to explain why one of the characters never puts the camera down. Khalfoun's Maniac also achieves this, and is certainly more disturbing than You're Next! In fact, it was originally going to win the Best Picture MMMie, but after rewatching them both, You're Next! had the edge. Maniac is a great horror film that's easier to appreciate than to love, but You're Next! is a perfumed love letter sealed with a big, wet smootch to horror nerds everywhere.


Bonus List: Top 5 Kills of 2013 
As the credits roll on the first annual MMMies, here's a list I wrote that originally appeared on the If We Made It Podcast. It's way better when you hear those guys read it aloud, but in case you prefer the written word, here 'tis:

Marvin the Macabre’s Top Five Movie Kills of 2013:

#5 – The Blender Kill from You’re Next

So, You’re Next is going balls-out, blowing everyone’s tiny minds with homicide after brutal homicide, and the next thing you know, it turns full-on ridiculous when Australia's sweetheart Sharni Vinson jams a broken blender into a dude’s skull and plugs it in. Now, I know the homeowner is a former defense contractor and can probably afford a top of the line blender, but the human skull is somewhat thick. I’m calling bullshit.

So why does it make my top kills list?  Because it’s the set-up to the year’s second greatest line of dialogue:

A.J. Bowen: “Where’s Felix?”

Sharni Vinson: “I stuck a blender in his head and killed him.”

It doesn’t look like much on paper, but it’s all in the delivery. (The year’s best line, by the way, is “That door cannot be opened!” Again, it doesn’t really work out of context.)

#4 – X is for XXL from The ABCs of Death

The ABCs of Death is a wildly uneven compilation of shorts that range from dumb to boring to hilarious to truly disturbing. The cumulative effect of 26 batshit horror stories delivered rapid-fire was to make me honest-to-god sick to my stomach. A lot of that had to do with Xavier Gens’s third-to-last segment, X is for XXL. In it, an obese girl who gets picked on for her weight takes matters into her own hands by carving herself into her ideal shape. It takes some effort not to gag during this one.

#3 – Opening Kill from The Thompsons

So there’s this couple about to get it on in the woods, then they stop because they see someone watching them. Then they start hearing these weird sing-songy chants coming from different directions. They decide to get the fuck out of there, but too late--they're already being chased by two masked men. The masks turn out to be severed human faces. When the murderers catch up to the couple, they force them to continue the show, making them strip down and have sex in front of them. Then, mid-coitus, one of the psychos starts stabbing the dude in the face. Blood pours out onto the screaming girl as her boyfriend’s face is removed. It’s times like these I really have trouble justifying my taste in movies.

#2 – RedLucie86 from Maniac

It was difficult choosing just one kill from the incredibly violent, incredibly awesome Maniac. But RedLucie’s death really packs a punch because as an audience, we experience the whole thing, from the intial online chat to the date, followed by the seduction and finally the murder, through the eyes of her killer. I don’t know about you, but I was charmed by her during the date, and I was seduced by her afterward. And there’s no surprise that she’s going to die—we knew that from the beginning. There’s just this growing dread as the date goes on, and the more we start to like Lucie, the greater the dread becomes.

The murder itself is a simple strangling, but the pain on Lucie’s face is almost unbearable. And to top the whole thing off, we are treated to a graphic scalping that I’m not sure I’ve ever managed to get through without looking away. That’s right, for a hardcore horror geek, I’m kinda squeamish.

#1 – Jane Levy Chainsaws her Deadite Doppelganger in Evil Dead

For pure, unadulterated, gleefully-rendered gore, 2013 saw no film that came close to Fede Alvarez’s Evil Dead. This one turned the violence and viscera up to 11 within the first half hour, so how do you top that? With a climax that literally rains blood and features the most over-the-top kill in recent memory. Our heroine faces off with the deadite version of herself, and chainsaws her in half from the guts straight through to the top of her head. The cherry on top comes when we see the vanquished deadite on the ground, splayed out in two halves with her eyes still twitching. Just magnificent.

Honorable Mention: Marconi Meets the Meat Monster from John Dies at the End

I couldn’t let this list go without paying respect to the badassness that is Clancy Brown as Marconi. He manages to make a demonic manifestation explode with a phone call, proving that Clancy Brown is God’s favorite human and reminding us that he will always be cooler than us, even when he’s just phoning it in.

MMM Awards 2013 - Best Director/Best Picture Nominees

You know how the winner of the Best Director Oscar almost always goes to the director of the movie that ends up winning Best Picture? This is unsurprising, given that the director is the person most directly responsible for the (artistic) success of a film. While I tried to be all contrarian and nominate Rob Zombie for best director, but not Lords of Salem for Best Picture, ultimately I decided to make the nominations the same. The awards, however, will remain separate categories. So without further ado... Noms, Beeotches!

 

Don Coscarelli / John Dies at the End

Among the horror luminaries of the late seventies, who is currently making the best films of their career? If you answered Dario Argento, that’s funny, smartass. If you answered, “None of them,” then you obviously haven’t been keeping up with Don Coscarelli. While Coscarelli is more known for delivering truly strange cinematic experiences than gonad-shrinking horror films, I think we can all agree he plays to his strengths and that it serves him well. More comedy than horror, John Dies at the End is probably the single-most rewatchable film of the year. Coscarelli keeps the pace fast and the one-liners in steady supply. Tonally, the film has more in common with the comedy classics of the eighties (I’m thinking Ghostbusters, Better Off Dead, Weird Science, etc.) than the current Apatovian generation of comedy. It’s not afraid to dip into the absurd, veering into the unexpected at every turn. I also love how Coscarelli has concentrated on creating unique visuals, making this movie his most iconic since the original Phantasm. Hopefully “This Movie is Full of Spiders” is in the works.

 

Neil Jordan / Byzantium

I didn’t see this one in time to nominate either of the two leads in the best actress category, however, please consider both Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan retroactively nominated (swelling the nominees to a heaping 12). Every frame of Byzantium is visually stunning, the performances are impeccable, and the storytelling the work of a veteran filmmaker still in his prime. Like most modern vampire films, Byzantium isn't out to scare anyone. It's a character study that examines human mortality through the lens of mythical immortal beings. As for its vampire lore, it bucks convention in several ways, most noticeably the absence of fangs. These vamps have a retractable thumb claw they use to pierce jugulars. While it seems like a small detail, the effect it has is to make the killings look like murders rather than sexual encounters. And these vampires, while impervious to sunlight, aren't super-powered creatures. They are as vulnerable as the humans they hunt and must rely on wits and surprise to earn their meals. Not only is Byzantium one of the best horror films of the year, it's one of the best vampire films period.

Vampire Gemma turns some dude into a drinking fountain.

Franck Khalfoun / Maniac

Maniac is easily the most horrifying film of 2013. From the shocking opening murder and scalping to the quickly-deteriorating would-be romance that goes terribly awry, this movie feels real, and reality feels gross. What this remake gets right is that Frank Zito can’t go straight from the most out-of-control homicidal freak in the western hemisphere to a super-suave ladies man from one scene to the next, which was the downfall of the original (also, imagining a beautiful, successful photographer would have any interest in a dude looking like Joe Spinell is too much disbelief to suspend). This version of Frank makes much more sense because he’s attractive in Elijah Wood’s non-threatening, boyish way, he’s mostly capable of blending into society, and he shares a very specific niche passion with his love interest, lending the attraction some credibility. Khalfoun’s decision to shoot the movie almost entirely from Frank’s point of view was a risk that ultimately paid off in spades. There’s a side of Frank that clearly doesn’t want to be doing what he does, but he’s powerless to stop. Shooting POV-style with the audience as the killer puts us in exactly this position. We don’t want him to kill all those women, but we’re forced to bear witness. Oh hell, who am I kidding, we’re horror fans, obviously we want him to kill those women, and we even manage to enjoy it, excruciating a viewing experience as it is.

 

James Wan / The Conjuring

Sorry James, my parents told me how babies are made when I was eight.

The Conjuring is the only film on this list that I actually reviewed, so I don’t feel the need to write about it at length (Here’s the review, if you’re interested). I’d just like to note that, for me, half the fun of the movie was seeing how themes and elements from James Wan’s previous films came together so effectively. Prior to The Conjuring, I knew James Wan as a director who made good-but-not-great horror films. I always find plenty to like in his movies, but I’ve never felt like he was getting everything right. However, The Conjuring is the work of a man who has finally mastered his craft. And while we’re losing the man to big-budget action films, I get the sense that he’s not leaving horror with contempt for the genre, but rather a fond, "My work here is complete."

 

Adam Wingard / You’re Next!

 

Did you know that up until You’re Next!, every wide-release horror film to come out in 2013 was the number one release for its respective weekend (with the exception of World War Z, which was #2, but it made more money than most of the #1’s). It seemed like Adam Wingard’s year to hit the big time, and the box office forecasts agreed, predicting it too would open at number one. It was one of my most anticipated movies for two years running; I was desperate to see it and I figured everyone else would be too. And then it debuted at number a miserable #6. This was all the more surprising because it was so freaking good! I figured word of mouth would get out and make it a sleeper hit, but ticket sales dried up quickly and it soon disappeared from theaters. Despite this disappointment, the movie is still a hit, considering it grossed, like, 18 times its budget. But still, I thought it would be this generation’s Scream.

Box office aside, the movie is fast, fun, and rewatchable as hell. It’s not so much a game-changer as it is a sign that the filmmakers doing horror today take their craft seriously and are elevating the genre by injecting it with actual characterization and attention to storytelling. I love Jason Voorhees as much as the next guy, but honestly, even at the time those slashers were seen as throwaway cinematic junk food. And while You’re Next! is a piece of entertainment that doesn’t pretend to have loftier goals, it is a cleverly-conceived, expertly-executed gem of the genre, and a horror fan’s wet, bloody dream.