Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 4: Solstice

Solstice

(2008 - dir. Daniel Myrick)

Solstice boasts solid performances by a talented cast, competent direction from Daniel Myrick of Blair Witch fame, and some lovely cinematography by M. David Mullen. The sum of these promising parts adds up to one completely unremarkable movie. It's your basic ghost story about a spirit who haunts someone in order to get justice for their untimely death. Myrick does a nice job of setting up the mystery, but there's no real payoff--just a by-the-numbers ending that you'll be convinced you've seen a half dozen times before.

I mean, it's watchable. It kept my attention, but that was mostly because of the incredibly attractive cast. Seriously, when Amanda Seyfried is the least gorgeous actress in your movie, you're doing something right. Ultimately though, the film leaves you about as satisfied as a cotton candy dinner. It almost feels like I didn't even watch a movie tonight. I may as well have just flipped through Netflix Instant watch menus all night without ever deciding on anything.

The most frustrating thing about the film is it makes a big deal out of the Voodoo-lite ceremony the teenagers perform, but it ends up having no effect on the story at all. The ghost was contacting them before and continued the attempt after their aquatic new age ritual.

The highlight of the film? This bit of dialogue:

"Please do not forget toilet paper, all right? Last time I was out here I had to wipe my ass with a potato chip bag."
"Mark-- "(annoyed)
"What, babe? It was barbeque."

The Verdict:
Purge. I can't see myself ever watching it again. Although it was so forgettable that I may accidentally pick up another copy a year from now.

Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 3: The Stepfather, Family Demons, and The Dead Inside

The Stepfather

(1987 - dir. Joseph Ruben)

I had my suspicions after watching him on Lost, but now that I’ve seen The Stepfather I’m utterly convinced that Terry O’Quinn is a serial killer. No one can give that flawless a performance as a seemingly wise and charismatic father-figure who is, just below the surface, one toe-stub away from gnawing off the nearest face. If I saw him in public, I wouldn’t know whether to ask for his autograph or flee for my life.

I knew the premise going in: O’Quinn wants the perfect family, so he serially marries single mothers with kids and, when they inevitably fall short of his standards, murders them all and changes his identity. I assumed the movie would gradually reveal his true nature; at first there would be some ambiguity about him--maybe a second act where you’re not sure if he’s really psycho or if everyone’s just paranoid. But no, The Stepfather ain’t got time to fuck around with that bullshit. It opens with a blood-spattered O’Quinn shaving off his mountain man beard, changing into a suit, and stepping over murdered children on his way out the door.

Watching it, I thought the early reveal would ruin the tension, but the opposite was true. Knowing from the beginning what this guy is instills a deep dread as you see him work his mojo on another unsuspecting family. It’s not a question of if, but when he’ll go all Jack Torrance. And somehow, when he does, it still comes as a shock.

Verdict: Keep DVD and watch it 50 times to make up for not seeing it in the eighties.

Family Demons

(2009 - dir. Ursula Dabrowsky)

I heartily agree with the growing opinion that we need more female horror directors. However, Ursula Dabrowsky is not one of them.

Okay, that was mean. It’s also unfair. I just thought it was a funny line and couldn’t resist. Seriously though, this isn’t a good movie. Ms. Dabrowsky’s inexperience bleeds through every frame. There’s a difference between slow-burn horror and a horribly slow film. A master filmmaker can use a scene where nothing much happens to build anticipation and heighten the emotion of what’s to come. A lesser filmmaker uses it to pad the runtime.

There’s some good ideas in Family Demons, and as an allegory for child abuse, this could have been a really powerful film, but the actors never sold me on the reality of the situation. Still, let’s give Ms. Dabrowsky credit for telling a different kind of horror story. I’ve got a soft spot for indie filmmakers, and it looks like everyone’s trying really hard to make a good movie. C- for effort?

Verdict: Unceremoniously booted from my collection.

The Dead Inside

(2011 - dir. Travis Betz)

I honestly have no idea what to make of this movie. It opens with some very prosthetic-looking zombies standing in front of a locked door, one wearing a tux, the other a dress. One says to the other, “Did you try the knob?” What follows is a lengthy conversation, between zombies, about how to get at the tasty human in the room beyond.

Then the movie shifts gears and we’re looking at a computer screen where protagonist Fiona is writing the scenes we’ve just witnessed. Turns out she writes zombie novels and can’t get her head past this locked door any better than her zombies.

Her boyfriend Wes gets home, complains about the monotony of his wedding photographer gig, she complains about her writer’s block, then they both burst into song. I must have glossed over the part on the synopsis that said The Dead Inside is a musical, so the jarring effect of the spontaneous eruption into singing blew my mind a little.

The first two songs are pretty great, the first a hilariously vulgar number about feeling, you guessed it, dead inside, and the second a tropical-tinged ditty about how great it would be if the zombie apocalypse finally happened. That one’s going on this year’s Halloween mixtape for sure. After that, the songs become less novel, and while they reveal the characters’ inner dialogue, feel more obligatory than necessary.

From there, The Dead Inside tells the story of a couple torn apart by possession. Fiona’s body is taken over by a ghost with some unfinished business, who has also fallen in love with Wes and wants to seduce him into forgetting about Fiona. Problem is, Fi was the coolest chick imaginable (when Wes gets home, she playfully commands, “Come and lay on the floor with me, bitch!”), whereas Emily, her ghostly invader, is more traditionally feminine and just plain boring. However, she’s not really evil, and as Wes gets to know her better, he risks losing Fiona.

In the end (okay, aside from the ending, blehh...), The Dead Inside kind of won me over with its characters and genuine emotion, but it still seems like a pretty damned silly movie. But will it improve or disappoint on repeated viewings? Does it even merit repeated viewings?

Verdict: Keep it, just in case.

Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 2: Lake Dead, Dead Mary, and Doghouse

Lake Dead
(2007 – dir. George Bessudo)

I must give Lake Dead my absolute highest recommendation… as an Al-Qaeda recruitment tool designed to instill a deep and adibing hatred for western culture. One screening of this steaming pile nearly had me ready to go all Jihad against the entire cast and crew. Just tell the disenfranchised Islamic youth that this is what all Americans are like, and watch them line up for suicide bomber duty.

Every character in the film is completely unlikable, either because they're despicable or despicably whiny. Yet despite this, none of them really had an individual personality. In my mind, they all sort of meld into one giant fratrority dude(tte) that has nothing interesting to say and no redeeming qualities. Here's a breakdown of characters:

Whiny Sister - The obvious final girl from frame one. (Her confrontation with her father made me laugh audibly and I spent the next ten minutes imitating the overblown whine of her delivery.)

Bitchy Sister - Every line she speaks seethes with unprovoked hostility.

Boring Sister - The most unnecessary character in the film.

Boring Boyfriend - At times douchey, at times heroic, always devoid of personality.

Douchey Guy - Everything that comes out of his mouth is insipid, and usually offensive.

Jealous Girlfriend - Dating Douchey Guy for no fathomable reason.

Slutty Friend - Boring Sister brings her along because she's the only one willing to show her tits.

Here’s a typical example of their witter banter:
Slutty Friend: “You mind if we smoke in your RV?”
Douchey Guy: “Does a dog lick its own ballsack?”
Slutty Friend giggles like this is remotely clever, and the audience is treated to a weed smoking montage that in no way serves the story. Either he's just checking off slasher trope boxes or he's trying to win cool points with the viewer, suggesting that he is probably someone who behaves and talks exactly like his characters. To be fair, equal blame should be laid on writer Daniel P. Coughlin.

Anyway, the story involves three sisters inheriting a lakeside hotel from their estranged grandfather. But who cares? There's a few spots of decent gore, and one honestly kick-ass moment where Boring Boyfriend takes out his inbred caveman captor while still tied to his chair. Of course, The Avengers did it better.

Verdict: PURGE!!!!



Dead Mary
(2006 – dir. Robert Wilson)

After Lake Dead, I was in the mood to watch another fiercely shitty movie, if only to even out my purge/keep piles. I scanned my shelves for the dumbest looking piece of crap I could find. Dead Mary treads the well-worn territory of the "Bloody Mary/Candyman" urban legend in which one lights a candle in a darkened room and speaks the name 3 to 5 times and gets dead. I threw it in while folding laundry, fully expecting to turn it back off when the chore was done.

But the truth is, Dead Mary is way better than it has any right to be.

For one thing, the characters aren't a bunch of vapid teenage stereotypes, but actual developed characters with individual motivations and personalities. There's a young married couple struggling with the husband's infidelity, a bachelor introducing his new, much younger girlfriend to his long-time friends, a pair of exes who just broke up on the drive out to the lake house, and the bitchy girl. Okay, so they're not all fully-realized characters, but I just got done watching Lake Dead, so...

I'll admit, with this crew of twenty-somethings coming to terms with their newfound adulthood, the premise of the film is even sillier, but it is handled fairly well. The subject of Dead Mary comes up during a drunken late-night conversation about the weirdest thing that ever happened to each of them. Three of the girls claimed that Dead Mary actually appeared to them in the mirror when they were 16. So obviously, they repeat their teenage folly.

The cool thing is, Dead Mary never actually appears. Instead they awaken something in the woods. What follows is an unapologetic attempt to emulate The Evil Dead. Some people will despise the attempt, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

As the evil entity takes possession of the friends, it begins exposing secrets and turning them against each other. Since the film spends so much time establishing its characters, it is refreshing to see their relationships become an essential part of the horror that follows.

On the downside, there are plenty of clunky bits that simply don't work or make sense within the context of the film, but good characters, solid performances, and a well-constructed plot make Dead Mary very watchable.

Verdict: It's a Keeper.

Doghouse
(2010 – dir. Jake West)

Oh boy, feminist film critics are going to be digging this one out of their teeth for years to come. And deservedly so. The plot involves seven blokes going on holiday to help their friend through an ugly divorce. They take a chartered tour bus to a dead-end town outside of London that is completely populated with zombified women with an all-encompassing hatred for men.

The opening involves each of them pissing off their significant others by taking the weekend off. To be fair, even as Doghouse makes the wives and girlfriends (and even one boyfriend) out to be ball-busting shrews, it also makes most of the guys out to be selfish, insensitive pricks.

The whole affair is non-PC, often offensive, and completely hilarious. I recommend turning off your inner feminist for the first viewing and just have fun with it. It is openly misogynist, but in a winking, knowing way that doesn't just let men off the hook. If you don't have an inner feminist, you'll probably love Doghouse.

Verdict: Keeper. I'll probably make my wife watch it.

The Great Mancave Binge and Purge 2015

I am a deeply foolish mortal. In preparation for The Great Mancave Binge and Purge, I set aside all the horror DVDs that I've purchased but haven't go t around to watching, and lo, there's a shit-ton. I was planning to list them all here and let readers decide which to review next, but god-to-the-damn there's a lot of them. I'm not even counting the multi-film sets you get from Walmart, and I've got a stack of 154 movies.

So, no way I'm getting through all of them. But to make things a little easier on myself, I give myself permission to turn off the truly horrible ones at any point and cast them into the "sell" pile.

Going through my collection, I've made a few observations.

1) I don't have much Asian horror, but most of the Asian horror I do have is unwatched. Why is this? I'm almost always disappointed in Asian horror films. When the rash of American remakes came out in the early double-oughts, I liked most of them and would track down the originals for comparison. Guess what? 9 times out of 10, I preferred the remake. My guess is something is often lost in translation for me.

2) Tons of movies I fell asleep during. I generally hate going back to finish a movie that put me to sleep. If it was any good, it would have kept me awake, right? But there's always those few films that I've come back to finish and loved them. The most recent of these was Housebound. So, I've got to give them another shot.

3) Lots and lots of titles I'm not looking forward to at all. All kinds of low-budget garbage that I now have no idea what I was thinking when I bought them. Here's to hoping some of them prove me wrong. At the very least, here's to hoping this project makes me more careful about the movies I buy.

I kind of unofficially started this project a few weeks ago when I started going through my back catalogue, so here's a paragraph on each just to get us started:

Sleeper's Wake
(2013 - dir. Barry Berk)

This was a very well-acted, well-written, and well-constructed film that only straddles a toe over into horror territory. Thriller describes it better. But don't be put off by the non-horrorness of it all. It works as a character study and a super-tense drama. Set in South Africa (I think), the story follows a widowed writer who befriends another recently widowed man whose daughter is constantly trying to seduce him (the writer, not her dad, ick). Bad things follow. There's also some wicked cool baboon action. Okay, it looks totally fake, but baboons!

A Warning to the Curious
(2013 - dir. Aji Djarar)

I can't necessarily recommend this movie to anyone, especially those suffering chronic found footage fatigue. However, I kind of liked it. This is a no-budget feature that dodges the number one downfall of no-budget flicks by having a cast that was fairly talented and mostly likable, After a disappointing ghost hunting venture into an abandoned hospital that turns up zilch, the Mystery Inc. gang gets a hot tip about a house in the woods that supposedly sprung up out of nowhere. I know, I know. Abandoned hospital, house in the woods, ghost hunters, can we throw another cliche in there?  Thing is, it goes places your typical found footage flick doesn't. The plot ends up being pretty original. While the film is marred by some bad special effects, it's a surprisingly solid piece of work.

Make-Out with Violence
(2010 - dir. The Deagol Brothers)

Another low-budget indie movie, but a hell of a great one. The photography is stunning, the characters are quirky, but fully fleshed out and compelling, and the performances are really good. It's also a zombie movie, but not that kind of zombie movie. This is no post-zombie apocalypse survival tale or an outbreak movie filled with snarling, sprinting flesheaters. In fact, there's only one zombie in the whole movie, and she's really little more than a plot device to explore the relationships between other characters. It's no dry, stale drama either. It's a clever, often hilarious coming of age story that suggests The Deagol Brothers are some filmmakers to keep an eye on. Be warned though, the ending is abrupt and not completely satisfying. But it's still worth a watch, And probably a re-watch.