The First Annual MMM Excellence in Horror Awards - Best Actress Category

Hey all,

Shit's a'brewing at the old mancave. This month will bring the resurrection of Films My Spouse Made Me Watch, the film blog I write with my wife. I'll also continue contributing to From Midnight With Love starring The Mike, and I contributed a list of 5 Best Kills of 2013 to the 2013 Liststravanganzatacular Episode of the If We Made It Podcast.

But most importantly, I'm returning to my abandoned post here at the mancave. 2013 was a draining, tumultuous year, and I rarely poked out my head here on the old blog. Here's to hoping 2014 be a better and more productive year.

In that spirit, I'd like to announce a celebration of the juicy year in horror that I almost entirely neglected to cover. I know most peope made their best of 2013 list back in November, but out here in BFE we must wait until the DVD release to see late-year films. And of course there are plenty I haven't seen yet, but fuck 'em. If they're so damned good, why didn't they make more of an effort to attract my attention? (Okay, I regret not having seen Here Comes the Devil, Stoker, and Byzantium.)

I'm gonna be rollng out the nominees here every couple of days, and since February is known across this great internet as Women in Horror Month, I will kick things off with a celebration of the asswhippin' performances the ladies gave to the world of horror in 2013. You know how the Oscars bumped the nominees for best picture up to 10? Well, I'm doing it with the Best Actress category instead. Best picture? As good a year as it was, I've only got 5. Actresses? My list overfloweth.

So here they are in alphabetical order:

1. Nora Arnezeder in Maniac

Maniac is a great horror film. Let's just get out of the way right now. There's no room for argument or nitpicking. It's just great. Accept that as fact and we'll get along just fine. Elijah Wood is damned good in it, but believe it or not, his casting was not nearly as important as the role of Anna. Anna is what gives the film its heart, and if the audience couldn't fall in love with this character, the film just plain wouldn't work. Fortunately, the filmmakers cast Nora Arnezeder, an actress it's impossible not to fall in love with. From her initial charm and excitement over Frank's mannequins to her grief over her agent's death to her absolute fear when she realizes she's in danger, Nora has to play the full range of emotions and does so effortlessly. She's what gives Maniac real emotional stakes which makes it so gut-wrenching to watch.

2. Jessica Chastain in Mama

So, Mama isn't a great horror film. It was a lot of fun, and I was endlessly amused at the pre-teen girls in front of me screaming like they'd never seen a horror movie before. I think one of them was actually crying in fear. And honestly, there were a couple of very scary sequences in there, but it wasn't enough to outweigh the film's many problems. The acting, however, is not among these problems. Jessica Chastain gives a restrained, nuanced performance as the punk rocker chick turned reluctant caretaker of her husband's troubled nieces. Honestly, she's just a great actress who will elevate any material you give her.

3. Meg Foster in The Lords of Salem

I was ridiculously excited when I heard this bit of casting news. Meg Foster had long since retired from movies, and I missed those haunting, ice blue eyes. Yeah, she's a huge 80s crush for me. But then I saw Lords of Salem and it was jarring. Meg spends a good portion of the film completely naked, and I was in no way turned on. In fact, as an immensely powerful witch, she uses her nudity as a weapon. Her emaciated frame repulses, while the confidence with which she carries herself while completely uncovered exudes menace. And holy shit can she sell the menace. The greatest thing about her performance in Lords of Salem is that she isn't holding back at all. Whereas some actresses would consider horror unworthy or lowbrow, you can see that she really respects the material, the director, and the audience. And you can tell she's having a hell of a time with each blasphemous line of Rob Zombie dialogue that she utters.

4. Judy Geeson, Dee Wallace, and Patricia Quinn in The Lords of Salem

While Lords of Salem might have 99 problems, a witch ain't one. In my original iteration of the Best Actress category, I had but 5 spots, and I gave them all to the women of Lords of Salem. However, I knew there were just too many great performances in 2013 to ignore the other ladies. So many other ladies, in fact, that I had to cheat and put these 3 actresses into the same nomination. It makes sense though, since they function as a unit and are rarely seen apart. Judy Geeson gets the juiciest role as the leader of the sisters. She comes off as this supremely confident, capable, older-but-still-lovely free spirit who is cooler at her age than you ever were. Then she's suddenly 100% pure grade A terrifying during her scene with Bruce Davidson when her demeanor turns on a dime. "Did I say something funny?" Patricia Quinn plays a great eccentric who, from the very beginning, seems dangerous and predatory. Then there's the perennial favorite Dee Wallace, who is hilarious as the bubbly Sonny, who practically skips around crooning about chocolate chip scones before she gets down to her true vocation of homicide. The scene where Whitey encounters the 3 sisters on the stairs is the dictionary definition of quietly terrifying.

5. Katherine Isabelle in American Mary

Excellent choice Soskas, excellent choice. Katherine Isabelle long since won the hearts of horror fans everywhere in her role as the lycanthropic Ginger in Ginger Snaps. I kind of thought she dropped off the face of the Earth after that, but a glimpse at her filmography shows that she's been working steadily ever since. But I was glad to see her return to horror, especially in a movie as hotly anticipated as American Mary. Just by virtue of being Katherine Isabelle, she's immediately likeable, and the nonjudgmental way she treats her clients makes her something of a saint. Just... don't cross her. She'll use her considerable surgical skills to put you in a great deal of pain. Both sides of her personality are underplayed perfectly. Whereas a lesser actress would ruin this role with histrionics, Isabelle keeps a cool distance between herself and her actions, which is perfectly fitting for the character.

6. Jane Levy in Evil Dead

Apparently Jane Levy was pretty well-known for being in some sort of TV show that I never saw. But I went into Evil Dead not knowing a thing about her. What I saw was an exceptionally cute, sweet girl who, when faced with heroin withdrawal, becomes a raw nerve, then a cursing screaming monster. And that's before the demonic possession. Ms. Levy plays a deadite gleefully, relishing every grotesquery that comes out of her mouth and luxuriating in some of the most disturbing self-mutilation scenes I've seen. She turns the intensity up to 11, just shy of going completely over the top, but never quite tips it in that direction. This girl's got the goods.

7. Lily Taylor in The Conjuring

Is a Lily Taylor performance ever anything short of flawless? (BTW, I no longer believe The Haunting remake actually happened. That was just a fever dream). Well, she does it again here, starting out as a somewhat meek, loving mother who ends up a terrorized victim of supernatural violence, then becomes a murderous, possessed creature. Purportedly a movie about the ghostbusting Warrens, The Conjuring is really Lily Taylor's movie. She's so relatable that you can't help but feel her terror, and then feel the terror of others as she transforms into a would-be child killer who can levitate while tied to a chair. And you get the sense that she's having a really good time doing it.

8. Juno Temple in Magic Magic

I didn't really know Juno Temple before I saw this movie, but you can count me as a fan now. She gives an incredibly realistic performance as a girl abroad who is having a mental breakdown in the worst possible circumstances. Her character, Alicia, just kind of lets things happen to her, never taking control when she needs to. She is meek and mousey most of the time, but as her mental state deteriorates, she gets more desperate and forceful. As an actress, Temple makes all the right choices, and really makes you care about this troubled girl.

9. Sharni Vinson in You're Next!

SPOILER ALERT: My favorite newcomer of the year is a final girl for the ages. Imagine if Nancy Thompson racked up a body count bigger than Freddy and you have You're Next's Erin. She begins the movie as an instantly likable, charming grad student who is visibly excited to be meeting her boyfriends parents. Because of her own weird upbringing, she sees Crispian's as the ideal family, overlooking the many signs at all is not well at home. When the home invasion starts, however, she shows her survivalist side, which is more than a little brutal. She never goes full-on antihero though; we're solidly rooting for her the whole time. I'd love to see a sequel with her character, provided it's nothing like its predecessor.

10. Sherri Moon Zombie in The Lords of Salem

Let's get one thing clear. All this SMZ hate has got to stop. Yes, you're right. She was annoying in House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. But that was the character. Yes, she wasn't great in Halloween II, but it was a weird part and no one could have played it convincingly. But this is the 2nd rock-solid piece of evidence that homegirl can act. She was fantastic in Halloween, and she's even better here. The best thing about this performance is that it seems a lot like her real-life personality, and she's cool as they come. I'd totally hang out with her and so would you, admit it. That's key for a good horror protagonist, you have to get the audience to like you. They have to care, or they won't give a shit that you're being used as a vessel for the antichrist. I think SMZ plays the mental turmoil perfectly, and as someone going through considerable mental turmoil when I watched this, the performance really affected me. She truly made me feel what this character is going through, which is, after all, the point of acting. So forget what you know about Rob Zombie's muse, watch Lords of Salem with fresh eyes, and show the girl some love. 

So them's the noms. I'll be announcing the winners on Oscar night, because why would a horror fan possibly watch the Oscars, right?

New Gig Y'all

'Sup Cave Crawlers?

Apologies for the neglect. I somehow lost my motivation to update the ol' blog. No worries though, motivation has returned thanks to an invite from the venerable The Mike over at From Midnight With Love. He's embarking on some top secret project and has recruited a couple of writers to pick up the slack. I was lucky enough to make the cut.

So please check out my new post over there. It's mostly me introducing myself to FMWL readers, but there's also a list of my Top 5 Favorite Flawed Horror Films.

And it's got pictures!

And an animated gif!

Won't you check 'er on out please?

The Conjuring: One Hell of a Haunted House Movie Mixtape

When I heard that James Wan's next project would be Fast and Furious 7, the horror buff in me deflated a little. "There goes another talented horror director-sucked into the mainstream Hollywood machine." After watching The Conjuring I'm thinking, "Smart move." After you've made your horror masterpiece, where can you go from there?

Oh shit, did I just call The Conjuring a masterpiece? Maybe that's taking it a little far, but even so, I can't imagine a scarier, more intense haunted house movie.
It's not that The Conjuring is at all original. It's bursting at the seams with nods and homages to every great haunting and possession movie before it. In fact, it plays like a mixtape of horror's greatest hits. While that may not sound terribly appealing, for some reason this exercise in consolidation and repackaging works on just about every level.

In horror, pacing is king, and Wan has got this shit down cold. The film begins with a creepy-as-fuck opening featuring a possessed doll that puts Poltergeist's clown to shame, then settles us in with a low-level tension that slowly crescendos for the next 90 minutes, building to a balls-out climax that pounds the audience mercilessly in the face with a malevolent joy unseen since that caveman-looking fucker who kicked your ass in the seventh grade. Alright, I'm overstating things again. But give me a break, I just got out of the theater and I'm still floating on that good movie buzz.
The Conjuring should play very well with your average cinema-goer who enjoys the occasional scary movie, but for the seen-it-all nothing-scares-me horror movie junkies, it may be a harder sell. While I count myself among the horror-addicted, I have an uncanny talent for shutting off my inner critic and enjoying the ride. One common complaint among horror fans is the overuse of jump scares, and if this is among your list of peeves, I'm sorry to inform you that The Conjuring is from beginning to end a jump scare extravaganza.

But here's the thing about jump scares: deep down we all really love them if they are done well. Hack directors will substitute jump scares in lieu of real tension, but Wan doesn't hand us that platter of steaming turds. There's not a leaping, screeching cat to be found here. Again, it all come down to pacing. Wan builds the tension to the breaking point, peppering the film with minor scares so that you can never tell when he's about to hit you with a real zinger. And yeah, there's a heavy reliance on doors creaking open, but now and again one will slam into someone's face, knocking them into a pitch black basement.

The threat of physical violence looms large in The Conjuring, giving the haunting a real sense of danger. But Wan never veers back into Saw territory. The gore is minimal, which gives the few appearances of blood a real punch.

I seem to be giving Wan all the credit here, but was really makes it all work is the quality of the performances. Lily Taylor really shines in this one, coming off as naturally when she's as a sunny sixties housewife as she does when the demonic influences begin breaking her down. Watching the preview, I wasn't too thrilled with the prospect of the movie's leads being an ultra-square husband and wife paranormal research team that dresses like rejects from Awkward Family Portraits. But honestly, it is that very squareness that gives the film a classic feel that has been lacking in most horror since Kevin Williamson put pen to paper and turned every horror film into Dawson's Creek -Now with Murder! Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga keep the film grounded with nuanced performances that let you feel the burden of helping countless people survive demonic infestations. As characters, they're the very picture of Christian charity, putting aside their personal well-being (and kinda neglecting their own daughter, oops!) to help others in need. The five daughters aren't fleshed-out characters, being more or less only identifiable by their ages, but then, do we really want the extra thirty minutes of character-building scenes before we get to the scary shit? I think not.

While it doesn't fit neatly into my review, I just gotta say that I loved the scene where Patrick Wilson shows the reporter around his in-house repository of haunted objects. And while you'd think that real haunted objects might be more mundane, say, a haunted toaster or nail-clippers rather than a suit of samurai armor, I'm still converting my mancave into an exact replica of that room.

My Very Own Pet Leatherface - A Review of Texas Chainsaw 3D

I'd feel the need to place a spoiler alert here at the beginning, but how do you spoil a heaping pile of bullshit? I know, I know -- What was I expecting from a 6th sequel in a played out horror franchise? Well, I suppose I was expecting something along the lines of the last 2 films, which were clearly inferior to the original, but suitably tense and creepy reimaginings of Hooper's classic. What I wasn't expecting was a cynical cash-in with a ludicrous script slapped together with a "fuck-it-it's-only-a-horror-flick" attitude.

Conceived as a direct sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, TC3D opens with a highlights reel of kills and other iconic moments from the 1974 original, post-converted into 3D for a strange, but interesting effect. The intro flows fairly seamlessly into the new footage, which does an impressive job of capturing the look and color palette of the original. Storywise, we've got the police investigating the Sawyer farm based on the reports from Sally Hardesty of the family of cannibalistic murderers who killed her brother and friends. While I've been led to believe that they do things BIG in Texas, apparently multiple murders only warrant one investigating officer. Then again, this might be  a commentary about the state of race relations in Texas in the late 70s, seeing as they sent they black guy out solo on a clearly dangerous mission. Or it could have been a convenient plot device to make sure the cop was hopelessly outnumbered by the redneck vigilante mob that shows up and massacres the whole family, which has apparently grown by a dozen members since the original.

Did I say they massacre the whole family? We could only be so lucky. No, rather, one of the mob finds a baby Sawyer and sneaks it to his barren wife to raise as their own. This, of course, forms the basis of all the lameness to come. Oh, and Leatherface (or Jed as he's known in TC3D), manages to survive as well, despite being mentally challenged.

Fast forward damn near 40 years and Baby Sawyer has grown into a buxom 20-year old goth chick. Yeah, the filmmakers apparently didn't pass 2nd grade math. Actually, the director takes pains not to show the year on any of the newspapers, even when highlighting the date. But come on, when you open with footage of the original and everyone is clearly wearing 70s fashions and hairstyles, you can't just pretend its the early 90s so your lead will be the right age in the present. But, you know, Fuck it--it's just a horror flick.

He had to say that or they would have taken away his Executive Producer credit.

Heather is played by he gorgeous-but-acting-challenged Alexandra Daddario. I'd blame her flat and divorced-from-reality performance on the script, but I also saw her in Bereavement and found her lacking there too. The script certainly doesn't help though, as it forces her character to emotionally contort into unnatural postures to fit the ridiculous ending the filmmakers had in mind.

Heather inherits the Carson family mansion from a grandmother she never knew about, but who had been keeping tabs on her for years, because the Carsons are somehow related to the Sawyers. Heather, her boyfriend (Trey Songz), her slutty friend (Alex from Lost), and her boyfriend's friend\friend's sorta love interest Kenny (actually a pretty accomplished actor\musician\tech guru who's totally slumming in this movie) take a road trip down to Texas so she can sign some inheritance papers. The problem with inheriting houses from long lost relatives, though, is that sometimes Leatherface lives in the basement and kills all your friends.

The gore in this movie is copious and well-done, but only interesting from a special effects standpoint. The characters are only remarkable for their Hollywood good looks and their douchiness, so there's no emotional impact to watching them die. Although, this may be exactly what the filmmakers were going for. After all, when you ultimately want Leatherface to end up the hero, you don't want him to kill off anyone the audience may genuinely like. Plus, if we got all attached to them, we might think it kind of suspect when Heather suddenly reverses her opinion of good ole Jed after reading about the massacre of the Sawyers, who were, after all, just innocently making furniture from the bones of people they'd murdered and eaten when the vigilantes unjustly set them ablaze.

Been Caught Cheatin' - TC3D is a study in douchey characters who deserve to die

Anyway, Heather makes the mistake of letting the town's powers that be know that she knows what they did in the summer of '74, so they've got to get rid of her. Then she's on the run from both Leatherface and the cops. The cops catch her and tie her up, then leave to freshen up their hair or something and give Leatherface the chance to finish her off. Cousin Jed has the chainsaw to her throat when he discovers she's got a lazy plot device on her chest, marking her as a Sawyer. And you know how much blood means to this family, so suddenly she's safe from Leatherface, who frees her. But LeatherJed isn't safe. The cops attack and are getting ready to toss Old Leather into an industrial meat grinder when heather goes all Sawyer on their ass.

The film ends with Heather reading a letter from her grandmother explaining that she will have to take care of Cousin Jed, but that he'll be there to protect her. So now he's got her very own pet Leatherface. This was actually my favorite part of the film, not only because it's so ridiculous that it finally took TC3D over the top into absurdity, but because admit it, how cool would it be to have your own Leatherface?

I gave this movie several chances to change my mind, continually hoping that the filmmakers were just using the laziest slasher cliches in the biz to set up false expectations that they would then demolish in high style. At every turn, I was proved wrong. The filmmakers just didn't care enough to try to do something different with the film besides the standard small-group-of-young-people-go-to-a-remote-location-and-get-killed storyline. I got pretty excited at one point when Heather actually managed to escape the Carson estate and run into the middle of the town fair. I just knew I was in for an insane bloodbath unlike anything in the TCM series. There were teenagers left and right, crowded into small lanes between carnival rides and packed too tight for easy escape. And Leatherface is in the middle of it all with his huge chainsaw roaring like the Grim Reaper's Harley-Davidson, and you know how many teenagers her mows through? Zero. Fucking no kills at all in that scene. He just chases Heather the whole time and fucking fails utterly.

Somebody let me out of this fucking movie!

I was prepared for the movie not to be scary, but I at least though there would be limbs flying this way and that, splattering buckets of blood in gloriously cheesy 3D. Aside from 2 scenes where Leatherface is cutting through shit, there is absolutely no reason for this film to have been shot in 3D (Okay, 2 bucks extra per ticket is a fair reason, I suppose). Really, the only entertainment I got from TC3D was in thinking about how I was going to trash it in my review, and there's so many things wrong with the movie that it was actually a fun exercise. I recommend you either avoid this film, or hate-watch it with a big group of drunken friends. So, who's going to be my drunken friend?

Finally Recovered from Halloween

Hey there y'all,

Now that I've truly earned my reputation as the world's least reliable horror blogger, I thought I'd take a minute and show you what I've been up to, because, as you know, it certainly hasn't been blogging. I'm not bored with horror or anything. I'm still on a steady diet of blood and guts, and I've seen quite a few worth writing about. I still take mental notes about what I'm going to say here on the blog. Then I let a few days slip away. I tell myself I'll get back to the blog on the weekend, and I don't. Before I know it, a month has gone by and I feel like it's too late. But this time I've only let 4 days go by without a report on my Halloween goings-on, so I'm patting myself on the back while simultaneously rubbing my tummy.

So without further doo-doo, here's what I've been doing for the past two months: I've been elbow-deep in paper. No, not paperwork, thankfully, but paper clay. This fantastic and supercheap modelling compound is made with recycled newsletters from my workplace, wallboard joint compound, flour, Elmer's glue, and water. Check out some of my custom Halloween props:

Keep in mind that these are early attempts, and I should get better. This all came about because I was helping my 9-year-old build some Uruk-Hai armor as his Halloween costume. I got the techniques from a kick-ass little website called Stolloween, which has all kinds of tutorials and great props by a talented papier mache artist who is fanatical about all things Halloween.

Here's a few shots of what our Halloween display looked like. We didn't go all-out this year, but we still got our fair share of compliments from the trick-or-treaters. Keep in mind that I made the papier mache spiders last year before I learned all my groovy new techniques. I'll probably revisit them and add some detail for next year.



All-in-all, it was a pretty low-key affair this year. Highlights of the 2012 Halloween season included an Egyptian-themed corn/hay-maze in Missoula, and taking my son to a double-feature screening of Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein. Even though he'd seen them before, he was pretty stoked and had a great time. And I gained an even greater appreciation for both the original film (I always liked Bride better, until now) and for Boris Karloff. If you can pull off the trick of watching the films with a 1930's mindset, there are some pretty scary moments and a real sense of danger for the characters who are near the monster when he's attacking. Here's to hoping Fathom events brings back more classic monster movies to theaters, or even more recent classic horror. What I wouldn't give to watch The Shining in an honest-to-god movie theater.

Speaking of The Shining, I've got to plug my friends Jeff and Tucker over at the If We Made It Podcast. Their Halloween episode revisits both The Shining and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. If you've never experienced the glorious madness of these two dudes talking film, this is definitely a good episode to begin with. Particularly because I make a guest appearance and give my reviews of Sinister and Paranormal Activity 4. Do check it out.

Alright, now let's see if I can get in a couple more posts before the month is out. Well, we can always hope. 

The Dilemma of Theater-Going (As Exemplified by The Possession)

I try to catch most horror films during their theatrical release. This is because I firmly believe that every dollar you spend at the box office is a vote cast for the kind of movies you want to see produced. I want more horror movies, so I support horror movies with my hard-earned cash. The trouble is, of course, that you don’t know if a movie is any good until after you’ve plunked down your $8.50 for the ticket. I try to avoid reading advance reviews, because I find they color my perception too much, so my only resource in deciding whether or not to see a movie is its preview, which we all know can be horribly misleading.

I skipped The Chernobyl Diaries because it looked terrible, and I missed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter because I want to cast my vote for horror movie intended to actually be scary. I shelled out some bucks to see The Devil Inside back in February, and turned out to be to one person aside from the director’s mother that actually liked the film (and I’m just assuming about dude’s mom).  Demonic possession movies just work for me, owing to a massive childhood fear of The Exorcist. So when I saw the trailer for The Possession, I thought it looked pretty promising, despite its being PG-13. It had a strong cast and some pretty creepy visuals, and it had been so long since a horror movie opened in a theater near me, so the decision was a no-brainer. Unfortunately, so was the film.

The Possession claims to be inspired by true events, but it turns out the true event is that someone was selling a box on Ebay that they claimed contained a Jewish demon, or Dybbuk. Several people have bought and sold the box, each claiming strange phenomena and nightmares (plus the scent of cat urine and Jasmine flowers – you take the good with the bad, I guess) had followed the purchase--claims that surely increased the value of the box with each resale. The worst things reported to have happened were an uncannily-times stroke and some hair falling out. Nothing about possession, fork stabbings, or swarms of moths as portrayed in the movie. But hey, a horror movie about lost hair just doesn’t sell tickets.

Anything even remotely creepy in the film had already been covered in the preview, and all the “scares” just fell utterly flat. The Possession, notably, resists the well-worn staple of mainstream horror, the jump-scare. Instead, it builds up a slight amount of tension, then projects the scare a mile away, revealing the scary figure looming behind someone early enough that when the character finally sees it, it has become another piece of set-dressing for the audience. I’ll take jump scares over this any day.

What The Possession doesn’t  steal from The Exorcist it cribs from recycled American J-horror. Yeah, fingers emerging from the back of someone’s throat seems like a scary idea, but that same kind of thing was done way better in The Grudge.

On the upside, the performances were very good, with Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Kyra Sedgewick as recently divorced parents juggling childrearing duties, each giving a heartfelt and real performance. Likewise, the young girl who played the recipient of the shiny, new demon did an admirable job. So much so that the film really should have worked. I was sucked in by the relationships and the characters, but that never translated into horror at seeing their lives torn apart by demonic possession.

So, a total waste of money, right? Not entirely. This is one of those cases where the experience of going to the theater for a communal experience really paid off. As utterly ineffective “scares” and disappointment piled up, I became increasingly fascinated by the 2 teenage girls in the front row (and not for the reason you think, perv). They were screaming at everything and getting off priceless one-liners like “Do NOT touch the box!” in total seriousness. One of them drew her legs up to her chest and was peeking out at the screen from behind her knees. When something “scary” would happen, she wouldn’t just look away, but turn her whole body away, nearly in a laying position. At one point I thought she was literally going to start crying. It got to the point the whenever the tension would start to amp up, I’d stop watching the movie and watch them instead. Grizzled horror movie veteran that I am, I found this hilarious.

Near the end it got so intense for them that the one with the stronger constitution started making dumb jokes just to calm the other down. Then they started to get giggly, which might have annoyed me at a movie I was into, but in this case I was just interested in their coping techniques. Then, in mid-giggle the movie pulled out its one and only effective jump-scare, and they simultaneously erupted into blood-curdling screams that put to shame anything onscreen. That was it, directly behind them, I let out a howl of laughter and for the first time that night I thought to myself, “I’m so glad I saw this in the theater.”

It just goes to show that no matter how trite and overdone these horror conventions might be to us, jaded hardcore horror fans that we are, it’s always someone’s first scary movie. It would serve us well to remember that most horror films that get a national release were not made for us who count Martyrs and The Devil’s Rejects among our favorites. They’re made for the widest possible audience—the ones who might catch one horror movie a year, and a PG-13 one at that.

Kermit the Frog Talks House By the Cemetery

Okay, it's not really Kermit the Frog. That's just the way I characterize my own voice when I hear it played back. That's right, you too now have the chance to cringe at the annoying sound of my recorded voice. Thanks to a generous offer from the fine fellows at the If We Made It Podcast, I recently got the opportunity to not only appear on my first podcast, I also got to choose this week's film.

I missed my chance to join the If We Made It crew for their discussion of my favorite movie ever, The Lost Boys (I was invited, I just don't check my e-mail often enough), my consolation prize was my very own episode. I went with Lucio Fulci's House By the Cemetery because it intrigues me to no end. It starts out unintentionally hilarious, with all the hallmarks of a classic late 70s/early 80s giallo (the bad dubbing, the disconnected plot, etc.), it picks up midway with some great gore, and by the end, it always has me by the throat. As big a mess as the movie is, it absolutely works on me at the gut/nightmare/childhood fear level.

Anyway, I discuss it at great length with Jeff and Tucker. Please give it a listen:
YES! I want to hear some hot Kermit on Fulci Action!

Quick Sketch for a New Line of Precious Moments Figures

Precious Murders, perhaps?

I Blame Aliens for The Hills Have Eyes 2

Just to be clear, I’m not claiming that literal extra-terrestrials are responsible for the 2007 follow-up to Alexandre Aja’s remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Nor am I saying that the film-makers were foreign-born and shooting in America illegally. Rather, I’m placing the blame for this sequel squarely on the shoulders of James Cameron.

It’s not just The Hills Have Eyes though. There’s also [REC]2, Hatchet II, and to some extent Child’s Play 3 and even The Descent Part 2. That’s right, ever since Cameron’s space marines faced off against Ridley Scott’s classic xenomorphs, horror has suffered from what I like to call Horror Sequel Militarization  Syndrome. That is, a growing number of horror sequels involve sending the military (or police in the case of The Descent 2) to investigate the original threat and succumbing to it as well. In some cases, it’s really the logical next step in the story, but it’s rarely a good idea. Here’s why.



The rationale behind the military-minded horror sequel is that it gives the filmmakers the opportunity to display how utterly badass their franchise’s villain is. Anybody can pick off a bunch of stoned-out-of-their-gourds teenagers, but the meanmotherfuckerdom it takes to annihilate a squadron of highly trained soldiers is the stuff of legends. This, supposedly, makes the villain truly unstoppable and thus much, much scarier, right?

How Badass Do You Have to be to Fuck with Vasquez?

Except that it doesn’t.  As I like to repeat to the point of cliché, the fear you experience in a horror film comes from placing yourself in the victim’s shoes and vicariously experiencing the danger. When the partying teens enter the woods/desert/abandoned house, they are unprepared to fend off the threat they’re about to face. This helplessness is what generates sympathetic feelings in the viewer, and thus causes us to fear for them.

This is the whole reason The Final Girl is such a potent archetype. She’s usually the virginal one, not because she’s pure, but because she’s not empowered by her sexuality. Take Laurie Strode, for instance.  John Carpenter, progressive-minded fellow that he is, wasn’t slut-shaming making Laurie the survivor. Lynda and Annie are the confident, risk-taking types who aren’t afraid to go after what they want. Laurie is the mousy, obedient one, and thus the one that comes off as the most helpless. Of course, as with all final girls, there’s more to her than you expect, and she’s able to summon the inner strength to survive her ordeal.

So what happens when the victims become heavily-armed warriors? In a nutshell, we don’t fear for them as much because they project strength, and rather than running, they’re usually confronting the enemy head-on. Thus, the horror sequel becomes something more akin to an action movie. Even though the protagonists’ weapons ultimately fail them, they go out fighting. And while the action may get your blood pumping, it’s not the same as fear.

Take One Mutant with a Meat Cleaver...

Add Six Heavily-Armed Professional Soldiers...

...And You Get One Neutered-Ass Horror Flick

I know what you’re saying. “But Aliens kicks Ass right in the balls.” And indeed it does. It’s one of my favorite action movies ever, and 3 out of 5 times, I’ll choose to watch it over the original (yeah Alien is better, but Aliens is more rewatchable). And Cameron even manages to make it genuinely scary in spots. In short, I have no complaints about Aliens, just the tendency to militarize horror sequels.

This militarization is especially troublesome in The Hills Have Eyes 2, because it undermines the whole premise and selling point of the film. The concept here is that the mutants aren’t simply out to kill and eat people anymore; this time they’re seeking women to keep captive as breeders. It’s a chilling thought, and one that would have been better served by a film with less testosterone. There are a scant 2 female characters out of a squad of around 10, and as soldiers, they’re some tough chicks.

Not Exactly Helpless

What was so disturbing about the original (and the remake thereof) is that the victims were just an ordinary family that included the most helpless of humans, a baby. While the dad was a retired cop who was armed, he was also the first to go, leaving the rest of the family without a protector.

For the sequel, I’d have gone with a group of female friends on a roadtrip/bachelorette party who get ambushed by horny mutants. They’d have been unarmed and possibly hung over. When half of them are captured and drug off to the caves for repeated raping, the others would have to go in after them with little more than a tire iron as defense. That would have been some scary shit. Soldiers… meh. Kill or be killed is pretty much what they signed up for (no disrespect to any soldiers reading this, I just figure y’all know how to take care of yourselves).

In the end, taking out a squadron of soldiers doesn't so much make the mutants look like a formidable enemy, it just makes the soldiers look completely inept. But then, the dialogue already did that before the first mutant showed his bad complexion.

So what do you think? Do military-minded horror sequels work? Which ones did I leave out? Sound off in the comments, yo.

Sloth Loves Chunk!

Watch Angry - When Horror Pisses You Off, and Not Because the Movie Sucked

Like any decent horror hound, I enjoy the physical sensation of fear that horror films can induce. I love the building suspense that precedes a big scare-how the tension of the film is mirrored in my tensing muscles. And I love the orgasmic release when something on the screen makes you jump in your seat, makes you scream, and finally makes you laugh at yourself for being ridiculous and because it feels wonderful to let go of all that tension in one explosive outburst.

I live for that shit.

But there's another element of horror, one that you can't laugh off because it hits you where you're vulnerable. You don't scream; you don't laugh; and the tension doesn't leave. It squats in your guts and festers, making you sick, making you shake not with fear, but anger. Maybe you've been there, maybe you've just feared being there, but something in the film has found your weak spot and is poking at it, clawing and jabbing with a jagged-toothed grin and eyes filled with sick pleasure.

I don't know if you've experienced anything like this, but I've found a pattern with myself: nothing enrages me more than people being preyed on by teenaged bullies. I don't know where this comes from, (getting old I guess) but twice in as many days I've felt my blood pressure rocket after watching scenes with thuggish, violent teenagers.

The first wasn't even a horror movie. It was actually the "Bully" episode of Louie CK's show "Louie." He's on a date that is, for perhaps the first time in the series, actually going well. He's taken his lady-friend out for some after-hours doughnuts, when 5 rowdy high-schoolers bust in and start making noise. After Louie asks them to quiet down, one of them comes over, introduces himself with a smile, and after some subtly threatening banter, makes Louis ask him not to kick his ass. And the whole time I'm watching this, I'm turning red in the face and screaming at Louie to karate chop the fucker in the throat, all the while knowing that he's actually doing the right thing by diffusing the situation and wondering if I'd do the same.

The second movie that had my blood boiling was Attack the Block. The opening scene where the five kids surround and mug the nurse made me livid. She sees their silhouettes from a distance and crosses the street to avoid them, but two of the kids shoot past her on bikes, then circle back to guard her rear as the remaining three approach from the front. Knowing what kind of movie this was, I couldn't get too worked up, because I was fairly certain they weren't going to rape and beat her to death, but it bothered me that she was in this helpless position where something really ugly could have happened. The kids' methods were animalistic; they found a vulnerable victim who had strayed from the herd, then used pack hunting tactics to get what they wanted. I so fucking hate that about human beings. And I knew that these thugs were going to turn out to be the main characters, so I was even more pissed that they had pretty much ruined the movie for me right off the bat.

Attack the Block, however, knows what it's doing and manipulates your fears and prejudices only to turn them around and shove them back in your face, making you feel like the asshole. By the end, even I was rooting for the kids and regarding a few of them as real heroes. Sure, the social commentary gets pretty ham-fisted, but the story is good, and it turned out to be a really fun alien invasion flick. Props!

But the one movie that had me enraged pretty much from beginning to end was Eden Lake. The thing that bothered me so much was that there was one psychotic teenager responsible for everything, and his friends who went along with him, as well as his victims, were too cowardly to stand up to him. With Eden Lake, this anger was used to fantastic effect, getting the audience's emotions high and giving the suspense scenes some real stakes. The protagonists are ordinary people, and thus not particularly interesting, but I found myself emotionally invested in their survival simply because I despised their adversaries so intensely. Still, the movie had me so worked up that any release the ending could bring was not enough. I left the film exhausted and thoroughly stressed out.

I bring these examples up simply to illustrate one of the great functions of horror: self-discovery. Up until about yesterday, I had no idea that thuggish teenagers were among my fears. Horror movies helped me discover the patterns in my own psyche, and though I'm not yet sure where they come from, at least now I know. Forewarned is foreskinned, they say.

I am puzzled by the source of this fear. I've never really been bullied, and back in the day I managed to talk my way out of the few fights that presented themselves. But in my old age I've lost some of that youthful resiliency, particularly my ability to bounce back emotionally from a taunt. Now I wonder if I'd back down, or if I'd totally Hulk out on someone who tried to threaten or demean me. My temper is so shitty these days that I might just start biting throats. Too bad I don't actually know how to fight.

And maybe that's the key. That's where I feel most vulnerable - situations where you could plausibly fight back, but being a civilized human being, you go to great lengths to avoid having to, and you're unprepared.

You see what just happened there? Horror viewing may have revealed my fears to me, but it was horror blogging that let me discover their source. I knew there was a rational reason for me to be doing this.