tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92041173497569940712024-03-18T23:02:58.049-06:00The Montana Mancave MassacreThe Montana Mancave Massacre is a blog dedicated to horror films and seeks to explore questions about horror fandom and answer the eternal question: Just what the hell is wrong with freaks like us?Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-85502147471342273092015-07-06T23:18:00.003-06:002015-07-06T23:18:42.730-06:00Comfort Food HorrorHey y'all,<br />
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Did you know I've been writing for <a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/">Dread Central</a>?<br />
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My newest post is up, and it's all about horror movies you don't watch to be scared, but comforted. You know, like scarfing a bucket of meatloaf because people at work were looking at you sideways. Probably because you were carrying meatloaf around in a bucket.<br />
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Anyway, here's the link: <a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/110423/comfort-food-horror/">Comfort Food Horror</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/110423/comfort-food-horror/"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB4wsXFuEI2MbrvPddsoDZRX8XtYvJFQVraOGiJnLPvXvYA1Do2vwPa4myROP-HQ1OY1MW_17LGC1oX5jtdivCrsk2ywojPmTndCrxAGmMLvSH_eQzYsuMEzyAV7Eanade4LWrqwriTfEL/s400/Horror-Comfort-Food-Pyramid+%25281%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And here are the other two articles I've posted there:<br />
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<a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/105857/feeding-the-beast-addiction-in-horror-films/">Feeding the Beast: Addiction in Horror Films</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/105857/feeding-the-beast-addiction-in-horror-films/"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRrlweaPOWnmZ2E_vUlsWTimP3VTvb84d8DuLthKG22BeXa2Rvr3IMQJYO93Ct96s8x84SV1UqDbe_W2WZgTCcOndO4xCvnv-My078i3eVGPLJERLPfK0fWBEdR7zcBic3yC-mgz2Uc8T/s400/LamentConfiguration.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/103798/out-with-a-whimper-when-horror-endings-disappoint/">Out with a Whimper: When Horror Endings Disappoint</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/103798/out-with-a-whimper-when-horror-endings-disappoint/"><img border="0" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTOAn5dQInb8k3OV0MYj6foa2nFVHoaY2RPg3Xgg8QuYjHmAeig22bifttdv8ha971G5RCkFlPZ2y982DzzClCEPVsnsOTa6j2DUXGBeBMQX5UJc1sMx4-DCemOCid0U402lnJWwtk11-u/s400/it-follows-ending.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-27457116509157583382015-06-12T11:33:00.002-06:002015-06-12T11:33:20.269-06:00In Death, Sir Christopher Lee Becomes ImmortalLast Sunday, the great Sir Christopher Lee ascended to take his place in the pantheon of Horror Gods alongside Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Vincent Price, and his good friend Peter Cushing.<br />
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Legendary actors age and die all the time, and we watch retrospectives and read articles to remember their great performances that have enhanced our lives so much. But rarely does the loss feel so immediate. Usually their best performances are decades behind them, and their increasingly rare appearances serve mainly to remind us of their former glory. Not so with Christopher Lee. At age 93 with near 300 film credits to his name, it still felt like he was just getting started.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3cBnrl7q_LNFq13QAFDyikrOUZX0NC-agFyufo9a9fT7pSFg8qD_C0bVTr0bRUfOUKdLmN9PXZYysK3g85Kn2u5GA3VOy0A72gHkP6onfdRPY54HWF_2TiOp3wqQ5fKLpXPv8XP-W3OK/s1600/SirLeeSideburns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw3cBnrl7q_LNFq13QAFDyikrOUZX0NC-agFyufo9a9fT7pSFg8qD_C0bVTr0bRUfOUKdLmN9PXZYysK3g85Kn2u5GA3VOy0A72gHkP6onfdRPY54HWF_2TiOp3wqQ5fKLpXPv8XP-W3OK/s320/SirLeeSideburns.jpg" width="283" /></a></div>
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For the majority of his career, including most of his horror roles, Christopher Lee was always better than the movies he was in. In his work with Hammer Studios, he brought a gravitas to his roles that elevated the material from cheap Universal Monsters knockoffs to something more Shakespearean, and for his refusal to merely phone in a performance, he become a genre star. Unfortunately, he also became typecast and was typically confined to the genre movie ghetto. Imagine all of the classic roles he could have played if only he'd gotten the respect he deserved.<br />
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Fortunately for Sir Lee, his late career renaissance saw him fulfilling his lifelong dream to star in a live-action adaptation of Lord of the Rings, an epic which he read every year for most of his life. He had always wanted to play Gandalf, and he would have killed it, but then who could have matched his stature to play against him as Saruman the Wise?<br />
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His later years also gave him the chance to be a part of another of the most beloved film franchises of all time: Star Wars. Say what you will about the prequel trilogy, but his turn as Count Dooku was flawless. Plus, the first time audiences ever saw Yoda wield a lightsaber, he was facing off against Christopher Lee. Just yesterday, still mourning the loss, I looked down at my son's toy bucket and who should be right on top, looking right at me but that venerable villain, looking regal even in plastic.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjByIcIIoJjS2_YwjY2cnU3WyxQTeyprYHr1uAhIqOFAAOIEEhxX48B00UszPNSFg7OefmZuD3RV5Ptn8Ov4b9HtKFhkLjNMAeyYanUpUyTQtc1xv6D6jAVwEljlLa025s32_lzdPQiQnX0/s1600/SirLeeDooku.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjByIcIIoJjS2_YwjY2cnU3WyxQTeyprYHr1uAhIqOFAAOIEEhxX48B00UszPNSFg7OefmZuD3RV5Ptn8Ov4b9HtKFhkLjNMAeyYanUpUyTQtc1xv6D6jAVwEljlLa025s32_lzdPQiQnX0/s320/SirLeeDooku.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Since learning the news yesterday, I've been watching Christopher Lee movies, and rather than starting with an old favorite, I chose a film I'd never seen before: The Man with the Golden Gun. Until I started reading the obituaries, I'd forgotten he'd had a turn as one of Bond's greatest villains. And I must say, even though Roger Moore is my favorite Bond, I was rooting for Scaramanga from start to finish.<br />
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This morning, I rewatched The Wicker Man, which featured Sir Lee as Lord Summerisle, reportedly one of his favorite roles. It is the rare horror film that did justice to Lee's talent. I've always been torn by the film though. Lord Summerisle's paternal, free-thinking spirit is contrasted with Sergeant Howie's self-righteous authoritarianism, yet the end of the film almost reverses their roles. Maybe it's just that Christopher Lee was so likable a screen presence that you can't help but see him as the hero even when he's playing villains.<br />
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Though we mourn his passing, you can't feel too bad about a man who lived such a long, remarkable life, who bravely served his country in the second World War, who HUNTED FREAKIN' NAZI WAR CRIMINALS for gods' sake, who redefined Dracula--one of film and literature's most enduring characters--for generations, who recorded heavy metal albums in his nineties, and who never once considered retirement from the craft that he loved. His films are his gift to the world and through them he is immortal. So tonight, throw in your favorite Chirstopher Lee film and raise a glass of something red in honor of one of the all-time greats. There will never be another like him.<br />
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Rest in Peace, Sir Christopher LeeMarvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-57990712860989678902015-05-26T17:32:00.002-06:002015-05-26T17:33:23.944-06:00An Open Letter to Elijah Wood, Franck Khalfoun, and Alexandre Aja Regarding Totally Blowing It with Maniac<span style="color: #ffd966;">Note: This article originally appeared on <a href="http://frommidnight.blogspot.com/">From Midnight with Love</a></span><br />
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Mssrs. Wood, Khalfoun, and Aja,<br />
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So as not to get off on the wrong foot, let me first clarify that the “Totally Blowing It” portion of the title refers not to the quality of the film in question, but the staggering size of the missed opportunity it represents. Make no mistake, I loved the film. In fact, I liked it so much that I bestowed upon it a coveted <a href="http://www.montanamancavemassacre.blogspot.com/2014/02/mmm-awards-2013-best-directorbest.html">MMM Best Picture nomination</a>. But, regardless of the fact that your team made the most brutal, disturbing horror film of the year, I can’t help but feel cheated.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtfonEFW9Q45eFQw1llhcTJUntzdWAoEnSFYWzbhtAcaK4HmgnTFkiyZwbV7RAslvuszhc2o6g-Jsz1LFe49nrsGDqjaOKy18WbuM-1oyQwoas3DNTRCLslFLA8CKSrYz_K3Cmz46E8R8/s1600/Maniac-Elijah2029.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtfonEFW9Q45eFQw1llhcTJUntzdWAoEnSFYWzbhtAcaK4HmgnTFkiyZwbV7RAslvuszhc2o6g-Jsz1LFe49nrsGDqjaOKy18WbuM-1oyQwoas3DNTRCLslFLA8CKSrYz_K3Cmz46E8R8/s400/Maniac-Elijah2029.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Please tell me that's orc's blood Mr. Frodo.</td></tr>
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Maniac should have been not one, but two films, the second of which would have been Maniac, exactly as it is. The first film, however, would have been a romantic comedy, shot simultaneously with Maniac, using the same characters, locations, and cast. Imagine the devastation to the unsuspecting audiences who would have been charmed by the wonderful, quirky characters and the romantic ups and downs of their relationships, when they discover it was all just Frank’s fantasy world version of a reality in which he murders and scalps pretty much every woman he speaks to.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-GOm-J6hlxHyO949IbfoybcmFlGMw2Y-xr-EvbJdjFB7sM2qZ13UHDTMHNPmY8xbPJ3VKE4xNjsbSGidjuRyVL6_ShZRiVIMtw3BuV9itJ02PuswEWixHqL2Gk8NgG0FCOJHx4NLErg/s1600/Anna-4011.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-GOm-J6hlxHyO949IbfoybcmFlGMw2Y-xr-EvbJdjFB7sM2qZ13UHDTMHNPmY8xbPJ3VKE4xNjsbSGidjuRyVL6_ShZRiVIMtw3BuV9itJ02PuswEWixHqL2Gk8NgG0FCOJHx4NLErg/s400/Anna-4011.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">They're just so freakin' cute together.</td></tr>
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The reason this would work is that Maniac is structured exactly like a romantic comedy. The lonely lead character goes on a series of disasterous “dates” before meeting his dream girl, but it gets complicated because she has a boyfriend. Due to a very specific and relatively rare mutual interest, the two have plentiful reasons to continue seeing each other, and they quickly grow close. The girl breaks up with her boyfriend, leaving an opening for the leading man to sweep her off her feet. But just as it seems he’s about to get the girl, she discovers something he’s done, an act of dishonesty or betrayal, that makes her reject him, despite his pleas that he did it for her and she’d see that if only she’d listen to him. The leading man then “chases” her in an attempt to get her back. Where the structure diverges is the ending,, which in the rom-com pretty much has to end with them reconciling and getting together. The horror version, of course, must end with blood, blood, blood. In a good rom-com, you’re invested in the characters, so you worry that the lead will end up with the wrong person and miss their shot at true love. In a good horror film, you worry that the character’s intestines will be strung up on the wrong person’s curtain rods.<br />
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Envision this:<br />
In June 2013, a film entitled “Mannequin Man,” opens. It stars the boyishly good-looking Elijah Wood in his first film as the romantic lead. Playing on the quiet charm he exhibited as Frodo, the film follows the love life of lonely introvert and passionate mannequin-restorer Frank Zito. The movie opens with Frank witnessing an attractive young woman being harassed on a street corner. He shows his nice-guy demeanor by following the woman, just to make certain she gets home safely. He’s pretty much hopeless with the ladies, so he doesn’t realize how creepy it is when he approaches the woman at her front door. She freaks out and makes an embarassing scene, and Frank slinks off knowing he's blown it and she thinks he's a perv.<br />
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In the next scene, Frank is in the backroom at his store, interacting with his mannequins as if they’re alive. It’s kind of weird and slightly pathetic, but he’s pretty funny and charismatic, so we write it off as him just being a shy and lonely guy.<br />
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Unable to introduce himself to women in person, Frank turns to online dating. His handle is I M Timid, which doesn’t attract too many women, but eventually a pretty girl called RedLucie86 shows some interest. They agreed to meet for drinks and things don’t go as planned.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinB1YOofs3KRBLbA-vaYJUpApatZtgh5nb1sc81qRdxqgGz_xKMaaGzpDgLpZf7V7xj9jasDZyRmjiMQSFkPQib4eBKXfD6T7vxlG-dOozf0zYL9tmJWzTmc1Nb812qfR4_jdFJUSnRw8/s1600/Lucie-3019.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinB1YOofs3KRBLbA-vaYJUpApatZtgh5nb1sc81qRdxqgGz_xKMaaGzpDgLpZf7V7xj9jasDZyRmjiMQSFkPQib4eBKXfD6T7vxlG-dOozf0zYL9tmJWzTmc1Nb812qfR4_jdFJUSnRw8/s400/Lucie-3019.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">I'm sooooo in love with this woman.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
A huge part of what makes Maniac work is the rom-com’s stock-in-trade: it makes it audience fall in love with the characters. When the audience meets RedLucie86, they will either be put off or attracted by her tattoos and piercings (put me strongly on the attracted side of the divide), but as we get to know her, we see she is a kind, fun person, more than willing to give a shy dude a chance. When we get to her apartment, we spy three keyboards in the corner, indicating that she’s a pretty serious musician and not merely a vacuous bar girl. Then she puts on a record, revealing herself as a vinyl enthusiast and winning me completely over (okay, I was probably in love the first moment I saw her gorgeous curls, but this cemented it). That’s when the seduction begins. RedLucie playfully flirts with Frank, but he’s clearly not comfortable with it, so she becomes more aggressive. She’s not so aggressive as to make the viewer think she’s a psycho, but aggressive enough that we clearly see that she’s not Frank’s Ms. Right. In the rom-com version, this would be the point at which Frank would freak out and embarrass himself before quickly making for the door.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIW5kuRVxHpbvoT3xtNIR2vm2oG-Uwq79HGolF7x2AA7G3rsoPjAa2NMRWt5oz_YzW3Gc3xsx6sIiIPLoUsPKdACHYnJ3Zq2tu49BYiv6XEuNcP_Q5q8uurSFoc9TG-0TX5QnkBb5OT9M/s1600/Lucie-2018.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIW5kuRVxHpbvoT3xtNIR2vm2oG-Uwq79HGolF7x2AA7G3rsoPjAa2NMRWt5oz_YzW3Gc3xsx6sIiIPLoUsPKdACHYnJ3Zq2tu49BYiv6XEuNcP_Q5q8uurSFoc9TG-0TX5QnkBb5OT9M/s400/Lucie-2018.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Now imagine knowing only the quirky, cute version of the scene and then being subjected to RedLucie’s graphic strangulation and scalping.<br />
<br />
Just when we think Frank's love life is doomed, an unlikely twist of fate brings along a beautiful, intelligent artistic young woman who just so happens to have a passion for photographing mannequins. Her name is Anna, and clearly, she is Frank's perfect match. He sees her photographing his display windows and invites her in to look around. They hit it off right away, and even discuss a possible artistic collaboration. But then, on her way out, she points out that Frank has lipstick on his face. Awkward! Wait, you say, that's exactly what happened in the horror version. And you're right. In fact, it was this scene that gave me the idea for the Maniac rom-com.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkMHJeLG1VW5Pz8bGuFEty-uECJs-uq7h87aNK_oOZYnNcBLo3PIVzEjlQCTCMb-7BCjmzo7fi8y7zh5JK1OcPqM4mjmT0xfHHQ9vCXnRJsJo-Zv5GLQ33wUH7YeHv9DcDR-_Df03QPSk/s1600/Maniac-Anna2025.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkMHJeLG1VW5Pz8bGuFEty-uECJs-uq7h87aNK_oOZYnNcBLo3PIVzEjlQCTCMb-7BCjmzo7fi8y7zh5JK1OcPqM4mjmT0xfHHQ9vCXnRJsJo-Zv5GLQ33wUH7YeHv9DcDR-_Df03QPSk/s400/Maniac-Anna2025.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
So the lipstick is the first bump in the road for their relationship, the second is that she has a boyfriend, so they've got to keep things strictly professional. He makes her some faceless mannequins for her gallery show, and they go out to see The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, as friends of course. As she works on her show, Frank backs off a little, not wanting to come on too strong, he even attempts to get a date with a lovely aerial silk performer, but inadvertently finds himself stuck in the closet of her dressing room after the show. This sequence is a classic comedy of errors. Frank has the best of intentions, but every bumbling attempt to connect with the girl makes him look like a weirdo stalker. Frank barely manages to escape detection, and the girl leaves in a hurry, forgetting her purse. Ever the gentleman, Frank attempts to return it to her, following her all the way to the subway. When he finally gets close enough to speak to her and tries to return the purse, she bolts. Not realizing why exactly she's creeped out (maybe something to do with the purse being left in the dressing room rather than somewhere public where a passerby could find it), he chases after her, trying desperately to do the right thing. In a parking lot, she falls and twists her ankle. Frank catches up, but she's screaming so loudly that he just leaves the purse on the ground next to her and flees the scene.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2lZG9PEtqEy2pCpApo71jsFrpc3k1QJ9-JWx9hOVUMkhbVJkHtC6_NAp5E2W5C_U2cDyx1slqx3STcQfr7HsCClqDcBP1I3Bqxt3tludmvt_BfUhDQmNzQ_ZQyw2vfGN_7LfDpd8TVaM/s1600/Aerial-2002.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2lZG9PEtqEy2pCpApo71jsFrpc3k1QJ9-JWx9hOVUMkhbVJkHtC6_NAp5E2W5C_U2cDyx1slqx3STcQfr7HsCClqDcBP1I3Bqxt3tludmvt_BfUhDQmNzQ_ZQyw2vfGN_7LfDpd8TVaM/s400/Aerial-2002.png" width="400" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2pVDKru2PviJIOh8SPHQ_s6ASl9NT-7i1oOlK_HeVYYf-DOPJF2_ahfHNAWi0L1b1D2_9ESM_w4aPGl_FobFnpSy5P0eX012sPa8wVeKt6D__r2yZPraAjGMlrYNSGdvlQeinpMFZGsw/s1600/Aerial-3003.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2pVDKru2PviJIOh8SPHQ_s6ASl9NT-7i1oOlK_HeVYYf-DOPJF2_ahfHNAWi0L1b1D2_9ESM_w4aPGl_FobFnpSy5P0eX012sPa8wVeKt6D__r2yZPraAjGMlrYNSGdvlQeinpMFZGsw/s400/Aerial-3003.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcqO3DgoVmosKY4ZPPizmsWrP9brmpwZnCVxKW-uGaWDNqWwN7vSrahyvH7bDWlNAX2-i0RRIre6TgW2aWaH7RUtnhyphenhyphen_2YkSRa5bUgZ0LNqkeg39yuTxUxiX6XbEOgyDdSK_KfQAMkseA/s1600/Aerial-1001.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcqO3DgoVmosKY4ZPPizmsWrP9brmpwZnCVxKW-uGaWDNqWwN7vSrahyvH7bDWlNAX2-i0RRIre6TgW2aWaH7RUtnhyphenhyphen_2YkSRa5bUgZ0LNqkeg39yuTxUxiX6XbEOgyDdSK_KfQAMkseA/s400/Aerial-1001.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_7cdqSSlBMxritQCD6wPruiJ2j-PZf4ks5Y-567lljgzzU6N4GGeMgEzQCf1QOpHEl6kLoENWccPiTe8UDLSCbsDCqilg3yBF0vxRMfPHX14NxJtJVb2ZwBW29r2Nah3mzrtWQ2SW6d0/s1600/Aerial-5005.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_7cdqSSlBMxritQCD6wPruiJ2j-PZf4ks5Y-567lljgzzU6N4GGeMgEzQCf1QOpHEl6kLoENWccPiTe8UDLSCbsDCqilg3yBF0vxRMfPHX14NxJtJVb2ZwBW29r2Nah3mzrtWQ2SW6d0/s400/Aerial-5005.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
On the night of Anna's big gallery opening, Frank must overcome his social awkwardness and make an appearance. He's doing very well until a series of encounters with Anna's rude art-world friends puts him on edge. Anna's drunken agent insults Frank's life's work to his face. He stews about it for awhile, but then can't take it anymore. When the agent leaves, he follows so he can give her a piece of his mind without making a scene at the opening. She manages to stay well ahead of him, so Frank ends up following her all the way back to her apartment. When she sees him at her door, she doesn't give him the chance to speak, but immediately freaks out and starts throwing shit at him and screaming. In her frenzy, she too falls and hits her head on a countertop. Frank rushes to help her and ends up calling an ambulance. When the police arrive, they take him in for questioning, but eventually let him go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ8l3NZENk2i6NF0Z_0KdZU-FoKcCWC6XLsKs3xVYmoJtw8IrwZBy-IMSLI1AUWuiZVOh0LJdXQOQGLqwIeQjiIlsnrbZaEa-jTbdV3KXMxnTym0IHEivWYlTh0bvf8KvoHvSdmA02cO4/s1600/Agent-2007.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ8l3NZENk2i6NF0Z_0KdZU-FoKcCWC6XLsKs3xVYmoJtw8IrwZBy-IMSLI1AUWuiZVOh0LJdXQOQGLqwIeQjiIlsnrbZaEa-jTbdV3KXMxnTym0IHEivWYlTh0bvf8KvoHvSdmA02cO4/s400/Agent-2007.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
The next day, he visits Anna, who is upset both because she has broken up with her boyfriend, and because of the news that her agent was attacked in her apartment and had to have stitches. Frank, of course, doesn't know how to own up to his role in the accident, so he plays dumb. Then, in the middle of the visit, Anna gets a call from her agent, who tells her it was Frank who "attacked" her. Anna gets pissed and kicks Frank out of her apartment. The rest of the film is basically Frank following Anna, who has decided she's getting back together with her jerk ex-boyfriend. A series of near-slapstick mishaps keeps Frank from catching up too quickly, but when she finally notices she's being followed, she hastily accepts a ride from a stranger. Urging him to step on it, they get in a collision.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmeqLWGPSukNyduBCMlRJ0GcDpc98Er76q_aJkYp2ppwTXAwyamPBa3S41oRw2rWCxpQsVxE69lH07F9iqzVvDMyWGdicDgDNqO4rm1nWV7hDoVwAzZmYyQLO0JyKt4_vXAB3JwWCVS7s/s1600/Anna-5012.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmeqLWGPSukNyduBCMlRJ0GcDpc98Er76q_aJkYp2ppwTXAwyamPBa3S41oRw2rWCxpQsVxE69lH07F9iqzVvDMyWGdicDgDNqO4rm1nWV7hDoVwAzZmYyQLO0JyKt4_vXAB3JwWCVS7s/s400/Anna-5012.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
When Anna awakes in the hospital. There's a huge bouquet from Frank, and not so much as a card from Mr. Wrong. There's also a video apology from Frank, who explains his intentions and wins her over. The film ends with Anna showing up at his shop and a big, sloppy make-out session.<br />
<br />
Alternately, instead of going with the whole agent fiasco (which might set too dark a tone for the film), Anna could walk in on Frank while he's having a weird dance party with his mannequins in the back room. Of course this might crank up the pervy knob just a bit too high.<br />
<br />
The movie comes out with decent numbers and mixed, but mostly positive reviews. It is a fun trifle of a movie quickly forgotten by most. Forgotten, that is, until August 2013, when Maniac premieres. While Mannequin Man wasn't a huge hit, Maniac causes the internet to explode with alternating praise and outrage, so much so that theaters are forced to reopen Mannequin Man to accomodate those who missed it the first time around. Horror nerds, of course, would have already picked up on the fact that Mannequin Man's hero was named after Joe Spinell's 1980 character, and their minds would have been half blown seeing all the parallels between Mannequin Man and William Lustig's Maniac. But when the secret remake is dropped on them, their heads simultaneously explode, eliminating the entire audience for Maniac. The film goes down in history as being responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of horror fans worldwide. It is banned in 75 countries and becomes the most illegally downloaded film of all time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBuIx5zhmz8QAkKa9xE1lyWERBR4J8m_mDyeCOO70Ob1zn-cTwKuM9XELBlrvPTHByV9zSXrHsROwIQSKMpx4PdjvrgjBLZfK3Cn0a39Wg59sDWwPKQ-hQPDctq1KIxDm6xh99qWkA3VM/s1600/Judy-4016.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBuIx5zhmz8QAkKa9xE1lyWERBR4J8m_mDyeCOO70Ob1zn-cTwKuM9XELBlrvPTHByV9zSXrHsROwIQSKMpx4PdjvrgjBLZfK3Cn0a39Wg59sDWwPKQ-hQPDctq1KIxDm6xh99qWkA3VM/s400/Judy-4016.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
And that, dear sirs, is why I consider Maniac both a great horror film, and a failure of epic proportions.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Marvin the MacabreMarvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-5885240717968312602015-02-19T23:46:00.000-07:002015-02-19T23:46:26.575-07:00Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 4: Solstice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5A5yAF8NHwNbH26AFACcB4f6OgDc_BRH7QtkNRaiH2EfYtOp-bcKL9ZleZhjhCitNVVpFOXWYBPQQi2q7Zpy58DlMBaTIL90mxfNuXliZt0Pvd7Ho3ggUuGlis3F3D7VruDMm3hbezK9/s1600/solstice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5A5yAF8NHwNbH26AFACcB4f6OgDc_BRH7QtkNRaiH2EfYtOp-bcKL9ZleZhjhCitNVVpFOXWYBPQQi2q7Zpy58DlMBaTIL90mxfNuXliZt0Pvd7Ho3ggUuGlis3F3D7VruDMm3hbezK9/s1600/solstice.jpg" height="356" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<h4>
Solstice</h4>
(2008 - dir. Daniel Myrick)<br />
<br />
Solstice boasts solid performances by a talented cast, competent direction from Daniel Myrick of Blair Witch fame, and some lovely cinematography by M. David Mullen. The sum of these promising parts adds up to one completely unremarkable movie. It's your basic ghost story about a spirit who haunts someone in order to get justice for their untimely death. Myrick does a nice job of setting up the mystery, but there's no real payoff--just a by-the-numbers ending that you'll be convinced you've seen a half dozen times before.<br />
<br />
I mean, it's watchable. It kept my attention, but that was mostly because of the incredibly attractive cast. Seriously, when Amanda Seyfried is the least gorgeous actress in your movie, you're doing something right. Ultimately though, the film leaves you about as satisfied as a cotton candy dinner. It almost feels like I didn't even watch a movie tonight. I may as well have just flipped through Netflix Instant watch menus all night without ever deciding on anything.<br />
<br />
The most frustrating thing about the film is it makes a big deal out of the Voodoo-lite ceremony the teenagers perform, but it ends up having no effect on the story at all. The ghost was contacting them before and continued the attempt after their aquatic new age ritual.<br />
<br />
The highlight of the film? This bit of dialogue:<br />
<br />
"Please do not forget toilet paper, all right? Last time I was out here I had to wipe my ass with a potato chip bag."<br />
"Mark-- "(annoyed)<br />
"What, babe? It was barbeque."<br />
<br />
The Verdict:<br />
Purge. I can't see myself ever watching it again. Although it was so forgettable that I may accidentally pick up another copy a year from now.<br />
<br />
<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-19967560915261907992015-02-05T16:09:00.002-07:002015-02-05T16:44:24.061-07:00Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 3: The Stepfather, Family Demons, and The Dead Inside<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold" style="font-size: large;"><b>The Stepfather<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><i>(1987 - dir. Joseph Ruben)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnMmUolY_2oizffBd_E_2W8OI6ppOVckxK-oCyyA4JMCw2KI6nKmV_nuOE_mUQd-yqjoE6SNo98bwIUjMaYxhTyebXLZDs275dXRx5qulU_g8c52UYKBSDVbNXN0Pn5M7K-aIEskHDDzeT/s1600/Stepfather.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnMmUolY_2oizffBd_E_2W8OI6ppOVckxK-oCyyA4JMCw2KI6nKmV_nuOE_mUQd-yqjoE6SNo98bwIUjMaYxhTyebXLZDs275dXRx5qulU_g8c52UYKBSDVbNXN0Pn5M7K-aIEskHDDzeT/s1600/Stepfather.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">I had my suspicions after watching him on Lost, but now
that I’ve seen The Stepfather I’m utterly convinced that Terry O’Quinn is a
serial killer. No one can give that flawless a performance as a seemingly wise
and charismatic father-figure who is, just below the surface, one toe-stub away
from gnawing off the nearest face. If I saw him in public, I wouldn’t know
whether to ask for his autograph or flee for my life.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC0MHFMrVxDrHDPp8WOojGK0JHq8bzhSzLn5C2V-EDVjJYHE3yhdeD3uDFu9gyQZUg_FTnLxxihOS8i2Bex2ljxZEeBOAya7fAxvklkeLXDDs4bHvh115BOsdSLPV9qO9CrvVdIblKvIjD/s1600/stepfather2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC0MHFMrVxDrHDPp8WOojGK0JHq8bzhSzLn5C2V-EDVjJYHE3yhdeD3uDFu9gyQZUg_FTnLxxihOS8i2Bex2ljxZEeBOAya7fAxvklkeLXDDs4bHvh115BOsdSLPV9qO9CrvVdIblKvIjD/s1600/stepfather2.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">I knew the premise going in: O’Quinn wants the perfect family,
so he serially marries single mothers with kids and, when they inevitably fall
short of his standards, murders them all and changes his identity. I assumed
the movie would gradually reveal his true nature; at first there would be some
ambiguity about him--maybe a second act where you’re not sure if he’s really
psycho or if everyone’s just paranoid. But no, The Stepfather ain’t got time to
fuck around with that bullshit. It opens with a blood-spattered O’Quinn shaving
off his mountain man beard, changing into a suit, and stepping over murdered
children on his way out the door.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">Watching it, I thought the early reveal would ruin the
tension, but the opposite was true. Knowing from the beginning what this guy is
instills a deep dread as you see him work his mojo on another unsuspecting
family. It’s not a question of if, but when he’ll go all Jack Torrance. And
somehow, when he does, it still comes as a shock.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><b>Verdict: Keep DVD and watch it 50 times to make up for not
seeing it in the eighties.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<br /></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold" style="font-size: large;"><b>Family Demons<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><i>(2009 - dir. Ursula Dabrowsky)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglAHk-1LUTKizc8RU4fPlaHynP-PJexWnozsRz7-tvx8AXbQe_eisyUEitYkmdVxF_GrL4szNPLYs8K1y8OaAPCxP3zV65AJB_ryURR0LDBvdmYO3AY8xWFgd10DVQx9YhDRwUYcPd5nzl/s1600/Family+Demons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglAHk-1LUTKizc8RU4fPlaHynP-PJexWnozsRz7-tvx8AXbQe_eisyUEitYkmdVxF_GrL4szNPLYs8K1y8OaAPCxP3zV65AJB_ryURR0LDBvdmYO3AY8xWFgd10DVQx9YhDRwUYcPd5nzl/s1600/Family+Demons.jpg" height="400" width="281" /></a><span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">I heartily agree with the growing opinion that we need more
female horror directors. However, Ursula Dabrowsky is not one of them.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">Okay, that was mean. It’s also unfair. I just thought it
was a funny line and couldn’t resist. Seriously though, this isn’t a good
movie. Ms. Dabrowsky’s inexperience bleeds through every frame. There’s a
difference between slow-burn horror and a horribly slow film. A master
filmmaker can use a scene where nothing much happens to build anticipation and
heighten the emotion of what’s to come. A lesser filmmaker uses it to pad the
runtime.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCVetgEQLht_oL11tgLc3jkJ02pg_x5hgnkKsbbhXyLUbI8Fatyfop74DVFa-BLtlIyU_L5i9uSIBOQc0WTnvL76i9_TkKhTYfeerGNdrTmvSUAFDfCL6fHthcmXy3zwyP_7A_KGlcEd8n/s1600/family-demons1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCVetgEQLht_oL11tgLc3jkJ02pg_x5hgnkKsbbhXyLUbI8Fatyfop74DVFa-BLtlIyU_L5i9uSIBOQc0WTnvL76i9_TkKhTYfeerGNdrTmvSUAFDfCL6fHthcmXy3zwyP_7A_KGlcEd8n/s1600/family-demons1.jpg" height="226" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">There’s some good ideas in Family Demons, and as an
allegory for child abuse, this could have been a really powerful film, but the
actors never sold me on the reality of the situation. Still, let’s give Ms.
Dabrowsky credit for telling a different kind of horror story. I’ve got a soft
spot for indie filmmakers, and it looks like everyone’s trying really hard to
make a good movie. C- for effort?<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><b>Verdict: Unceremoniously booted from my collection.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold" style="font-size: large;"><b>The Dead Inside<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><i>(2011 - dir. Travis Betz)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgozGk-hPkY55KSACgkxv7w_WvO2oEfADDme5T_CPM4ilES7PwFq-o1owrVJqGJzhtqAKoXWtfHSX3tzcv4FP2uPuWgMaLJzI-vm10DvuUWUu9dyEUhG4Ldt4PE6Dy6Rm1biQAgq0_nte-1/s1600/Dead+Inside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgozGk-hPkY55KSACgkxv7w_WvO2oEfADDme5T_CPM4ilES7PwFq-o1owrVJqGJzhtqAKoXWtfHSX3tzcv4FP2uPuWgMaLJzI-vm10DvuUWUu9dyEUhG4Ldt4PE6Dy6Rm1biQAgq0_nte-1/s1600/Dead+Inside.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a><span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">I honestly have no idea what to make of this movie. It
opens with some very prosthetic-looking zombies standing in front of a locked
door, one wearing a tux, the other a dress. One says to the other, “Did you try
the knob?” What follows is a lengthy conversation, between zombies, about how
to get at the tasty human in the room beyond.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">Then the movie shifts gears and we’re looking at a computer
screen where protagonist Fiona is writing the scenes we’ve just witnessed.
Turns out she writes zombie novels and can’t get her head past this locked door
any better than her zombies.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">Her boyfriend Wes gets home, complains about the monotony
of his wedding photographer gig, she complains about her writer’s block, then
they both burst into song. I must have glossed over the part on the synopsis
that said The Dead Inside is a musical, so the jarring effect of the
spontaneous eruption into singing blew my mind a little.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">The first two songs are pretty great, the first a
hilariously vulgar number about feeling, you guessed it, dead inside, and the
second a tropical-tinged ditty about how great it would be if the zombie
apocalypse finally happened. That one’s going on this year’s Halloween mixtape
for sure. After that, the songs become less novel, and while they reveal the
characters’ inner dialogue, feel more obligatory than necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglFbv6Ck5Dtobv799JfxASqGLNEbVrUyiitssMsZRNAMiXrWbucMCrhPXsK0ohE8FdC51VQw8haGnEnGMFjhsHtKuFjqVjHf63aceMX89NJKf7yJRRKGuQ4vBebx2ityhzQxLaufJKVdrS/s1600/Dead_inside_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglFbv6Ck5Dtobv799JfxASqGLNEbVrUyiitssMsZRNAMiXrWbucMCrhPXsK0ohE8FdC51VQw8haGnEnGMFjhsHtKuFjqVjHf63aceMX89NJKf7yJRRKGuQ4vBebx2ityhzQxLaufJKVdrS/s1600/Dead_inside_2.jpg" height="232" width="400" /></a></div>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">From there, The Dead Inside tells the story of a couple
torn apart by possession. Fiona’s body is taken over by a ghost with some
unfinished business, who has also fallen in love with Wes and wants to seduce
him into forgetting about Fiona. Problem is, Fi was the coolest chick
imaginable (when Wes gets home, she playfully commands, “Come and lay on the
floor with me, bitch!”), whereas Emily, her ghostly invader, is more
traditionally feminine and just plain boring. However, she’s not really evil,
and as Wes gets to know her better, he risks losing Fiona.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="CGBodyText">
<span class="Bold"><span style="font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;">In the end (okay, aside from the ending, blehh...), The
Dead Inside kind of won me over with its characters and genuine emotion, but it
still seems like a pretty damned silly movie. But will it improve or disappoint
on repeated viewings? Does it even merit repeated viewings?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Bold"><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Calibri Light', sans-serif;"><b>Verdict: Keep it, just in case.</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-2295373106909152472015-01-29T18:38:00.002-07:002015-01-29T18:38:39.119-07:00Binge and Purge 2015 - Part 2: Lake Dead, Dead Mary, and Doghouse<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Lake Dead</b></span><br />
<i>(2007 – dir. George Bessudo)</i><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnW1U_oouKO7Xr3Lb93xSeAB6hzWe89Vt6z0-lX57zs_HERm1DmsgCbzRHifMNdRN-61Pln1MURE2DhUtIhqU7tG1XycrN4GE86BU3DD_L1ksjj-VAFmvwz-BIQ2PdR6vTK75TQQeekyus/s1600/LAKE-DEAD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnW1U_oouKO7Xr3Lb93xSeAB6hzWe89Vt6z0-lX57zs_HERm1DmsgCbzRHifMNdRN-61Pln1MURE2DhUtIhqU7tG1XycrN4GE86BU3DD_L1ksjj-VAFmvwz-BIQ2PdR6vTK75TQQeekyus/s1600/LAKE-DEAD.jpg" height="400" width="270" /></a><br />
I must give Lake Dead my absolute highest recommendation… as an Al-Qaeda recruitment tool designed to instill a deep and adibing hatred for western culture. One screening of this steaming pile nearly had me ready to go all Jihad against the entire cast and crew. Just tell the disenfranchised Islamic youth that this is what all Americans are like, and watch them line up for suicide bomber duty.<br />
<br />
Every character in the film is completely unlikable, either because they're despicable or despicably whiny. Yet despite this, none of them really had an individual personality. In my mind, they all sort of meld into one giant fratrority dude(tte) that has nothing interesting to say and no redeeming qualities. Here's a breakdown of characters:<br />
<br />
<b>Whiny Sister</b> - The obvious final girl from frame one. (Her confrontation with her father made me laugh audibly and I spent the next ten minutes imitating the overblown whine of her delivery.)<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Bitchy Sister</b> - Every line she speaks seethes with unprovoked hostility.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Boring Sister</b> - The most unnecessary character in the film.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Boring Boyfriend</b> - At times douchey, at times heroic, always devoid of personality.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Douchey Guy</b> - Everything that comes out of his mouth is insipid, and usually offensive.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Jealous Girlfriend </b>- Dating Douchey Guy for no fathomable reason.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Slutty Friend</b> - Boring Sister brings her along because she's the only one willing to show her tits.<br />
<br />
Here’s a typical example of their witter banter:<br />
Slutty Friend: “You mind if we smoke in your RV?”<br />
Douchey Guy: “Does a dog lick its own ballsack?”<br />
Slutty Friend giggles like this is remotely clever, and the audience is treated to a weed smoking montage that in no way serves the story. Either he's just checking off slasher trope boxes or he's trying to win cool points with the viewer, suggesting that he is probably someone who behaves and talks exactly like his characters. To be fair, equal blame should be laid on writer Daniel P. Coughlin.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the story involves three sisters inheriting a lakeside hotel from their estranged grandfather. But who cares? There's a few spots of decent gore, and one honestly kick-ass moment where Boring Boyfriend takes out his inbred caveman captor while still tied to his chair. Of course, The Avengers did it better.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Verdict: PURGE!!!!</span></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Dead Mary</b></span><br />
<i>(2006 – dir. Robert Wilson)</i><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEindoV8oghvyTYACXF-dW6nPhCTxSV0fuPW9T1bU8pdM9FdCZyfN_kD8vZg5apJ6TPKSDIqo0mx6__8p-lLmlIBakWPQILhtoFfBm47WowmHGUMjjsC_RGUmY5p3PxqzIrB5TLomQIvkWwY/s1600/600full-dead-mary-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEindoV8oghvyTYACXF-dW6nPhCTxSV0fuPW9T1bU8pdM9FdCZyfN_kD8vZg5apJ6TPKSDIqo0mx6__8p-lLmlIBakWPQILhtoFfBm47WowmHGUMjjsC_RGUmY5p3PxqzIrB5TLomQIvkWwY/s1600/600full-dead-mary-poster.jpg" height="400" width="278" /></a><br />
After Lake Dead, I was in the mood to watch another fiercely shitty movie, if only to even out my purge/keep piles. I scanned my shelves for the dumbest looking piece of crap I could find. Dead Mary treads the well-worn territory of the "Bloody Mary/Candyman" urban legend in which one lights a candle in a darkened room and speaks the name 3 to 5 times and gets dead. I threw it in while folding laundry, fully expecting to turn it back off when the chore was done.<br />
<br />
But the truth is, Dead Mary is way better than it has any right to be.<br />
<br />
For one thing, the characters aren't a bunch of vapid teenage stereotypes, but actual developed characters with individual motivations and personalities. There's a young married couple struggling with the husband's infidelity, a bachelor introducing his new, much younger girlfriend to his long-time friends, a pair of exes who just broke up on the drive out to the lake house, and the bitchy girl. Okay, so they're not all fully-realized characters, but I just got done watching Lake Dead, so...<br />
<br />
I'll admit, with this crew of twenty-somethings coming to terms with their newfound adulthood, the premise of the film is even sillier, but it is handled fairly well. The subject of Dead Mary comes up during a drunken late-night conversation about the weirdest thing that ever happened to each of them. Three of the girls claimed that Dead Mary actually appeared to them in the mirror when they were 16. So obviously, they repeat their teenage folly.<br />
<br />
The cool thing is, Dead Mary never actually appears. Instead they awaken something in the woods. What follows is an unapologetic attempt to emulate The Evil Dead. Some people will despise the attempt, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.<br />
<br />
As the evil entity takes possession of the friends, it begins exposing secrets and turning them against each other. Since the film spends so much time establishing its characters, it is refreshing to see their relationships become an essential part of the horror that follows.<br />
<br />
On the downside, there are plenty of clunky bits that simply don't work or make sense within the context of the film, but good characters, solid performances, and a well-constructed plot make Dead Mary very watchable.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Verdict: It's a Keeper.</span></b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Doghouse</span></b><br />
<i>(2010 – dir. Jake West)</i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpI9YgOpQLVq5j1jrM9tiPv1F1UGAJmRD5OcPw1Bg77BmwCuyc_nNKD0sWTt1UN3hmnpqLNzX8OGNoLNmnqAx7H9ZvUIsKYMP-hqpqGRWh5xvsi2HIOti24ycBRxM14AvvXWD30CEOXqm6/s1600/Doghouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpI9YgOpQLVq5j1jrM9tiPv1F1UGAJmRD5OcPw1Bg77BmwCuyc_nNKD0sWTt1UN3hmnpqLNzX8OGNoLNmnqAx7H9ZvUIsKYMP-hqpqGRWh5xvsi2HIOti24ycBRxM14AvvXWD30CEOXqm6/s1600/Doghouse.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
<br />
Oh boy, feminist film critics are going to be digging this one out of their teeth for years to come. And deservedly so. The plot involves seven blokes going on holiday to help their friend through an ugly divorce. They take a chartered tour bus to a dead-end town outside of London that is completely populated with zombified women with an all-encompassing hatred for men.<br />
<br />
The opening involves each of them pissing off their significant others by taking the weekend off. To be fair, even as Doghouse makes the wives and girlfriends (and even one boyfriend) out to be ball-busting shrews, it also makes most of the guys out to be selfish, insensitive pricks.<br />
<br />
The whole affair is non-PC, often offensive, and completely hilarious. I recommend turning off your inner feminist for the first viewing and just have fun with it. It is openly misogynist, but in a winking, knowing way that doesn't just let men off the hook. If you don't have an inner feminist, you'll probably love Doghouse.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><b>Verdict: Keeper. I'll probably make my wife watch it.</b></span>Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-71949854659751296922015-01-24T11:29:00.000-07:002015-01-24T11:29:07.320-07:00The Great Mancave Binge and Purge 2015I am a deeply foolish mortal. In preparation for The Great Mancave Binge and Purge, I set aside all the horror DVDs that I've purchased but haven't go t around to watching, and lo, there's a shit-ton. I was planning to list them all here and let readers decide which to review next, but god-to-the-damn there's a lot of them. I'm not even counting the multi-film sets you get from Walmart, and I've got a stack of 154 movies.<br />
<br />
So, no way I'm getting through all of them. But to make things a little easier on myself, I give myself permission to turn off the truly horrible ones at any point and cast them into the "sell" pile.<br />
<br />
Going through my collection, I've made a few observations.<br />
<br />
1) I don't have much Asian horror, but most of the Asian horror I do have is unwatched. Why is this? I'm almost always disappointed in Asian horror films. When the rash of American remakes came out in the early double-oughts, I liked most of them and would track down the originals for comparison. Guess what? 9 times out of 10, I preferred the remake. My guess is something is often lost in translation for me.<br />
<br />
2) Tons of movies I fell asleep during. I generally hate going back to finish a movie that put me to sleep. If it was any good, it would have kept me awake, right? But there's always those few films that I've come back to finish and loved them. The most recent of these was Housebound. So, I've got to give them another shot.<br />
<br />
3) Lots and lots of titles I'm not looking forward to at all. All kinds of low-budget garbage that I now have no idea what I was thinking when I bought them. Here's to hoping some of them prove me wrong. At the very least, here's to hoping this project makes me more careful about the movies I buy.<br />
<br />
I kind of unofficially started this project a few weeks ago when I started going through my back catalogue, so here's a paragraph on each just to get us started:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMvJmP6WbLQeaiphNAGK8UuEGewNUhXxXE5aDR2jUSCmSLhPjuGG74oqZfYJ2X3hh6aJyGTUrHXLUGNe_3uD4Hn21pwCSgCm0eQJaHDEZVdWsvdPY7J9meI5Kr_87kCwTnZL1DwiGi5oU0/s1600/Sleepers+Wake.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMvJmP6WbLQeaiphNAGK8UuEGewNUhXxXE5aDR2jUSCmSLhPjuGG74oqZfYJ2X3hh6aJyGTUrHXLUGNe_3uD4Hn21pwCSgCm0eQJaHDEZVdWsvdPY7J9meI5Kr_87kCwTnZL1DwiGi5oU0/s1600/Sleepers+Wake.PNG" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Sleeper's Wake</span><br />
(2013 - dir. Barry Berk)<br />
<br />
This was a very well-acted, well-written, and well-constructed film that only straddles a toe over into horror territory. Thriller describes it better. But don't be put off by the non-horrorness of it all. It works as a character study and a super-tense drama. Set in South Africa (I think), the story follows a widowed writer who befriends another recently widowed man whose daughter is constantly trying to seduce him (the writer, not her dad, ick). Bad things follow. There's also some wicked cool baboon action. Okay, it looks totally fake, but baboons!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4Y19GuBEMmer_cFbXW7LpPUEZEVHy6IARSeZZ0uKlE_6DeRNBfow08D_wm_Jd4vhvd7LV0sYZTjfns0HVzHf57Xz6FwdgddETwBqVsWdutGtNxOs3tPVi1YYCMjxPD8rYcD9NazOJgse/s1600/A+warning+to+the+Curious.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4Y19GuBEMmer_cFbXW7LpPUEZEVHy6IARSeZZ0uKlE_6DeRNBfow08D_wm_Jd4vhvd7LV0sYZTjfns0HVzHf57Xz6FwdgddETwBqVsWdutGtNxOs3tPVi1YYCMjxPD8rYcD9NazOJgse/s1600/A+warning+to+the+Curious.png" height="400" width="268" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">A Warning to the Curious</span><br />
(2013 - dir. Aji Djarar)<br />
<br />
I can't necessarily recommend this movie to anyone, especially those suffering chronic found footage fatigue. However, I kind of liked it. This is a no-budget feature that dodges the number one downfall of no-budget flicks by having a cast that was fairly talented and mostly likable, After a disappointing ghost hunting venture into an abandoned hospital that turns up zilch, the Mystery Inc. gang gets a hot tip about a house in the woods that supposedly sprung up out of nowhere. I know, I know. Abandoned hospital, house in the woods, ghost hunters, can we throw another cliche in there? Thing is, it goes places your typical found footage flick doesn't. The plot ends up being pretty original. While the film is marred by some bad special effects, it's a surprisingly solid piece of work.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Make-Out with Violence</span><br />
(2010 - dir. The Deagol Brothers)<br />
<br />
Another low-budget indie movie, but a hell of a great one. The photography is stunning, the characters are quirky, but fully fleshed out and compelling, and the performances are really good. It's also a zombie movie, but not that kind of zombie movie. This is no post-zombie apocalypse survival tale or an outbreak movie filled with snarling, sprinting flesheaters. In fact, there's only one zombie in the whole movie, and she's really little more than a plot device to explore the relationships between other characters. It's no dry, stale drama either. It's a clever, often hilarious coming of age story that suggests The Deagol Brothers are some filmmakers to keep an eye on. Be warned though, the ending is abrupt and not completely satisfying. But it's still worth a watch, And probably a re-watch.Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-72309984242273875572015-01-22T18:19:00.001-07:002015-01-22T18:21:13.448-07:00Advent of Atrocities: The PostmortemThe cool thing about being a dismal failure is that no one expects shit from you. Or, they do expect what you do to be shit. Or something. Looking over my pageviews, my failure to deliver this yuletide season upset exactly 3 people, 2 of which are me and the little boy who lives in my mouth. Yet, if there's anyone who's interested, here's the reason behind my flameout.<br />
<br />
In mid-December, my family had a bit of a cancer scare. It turned out not to be cancer, but for 2 excruciating weeks we didn't know and I really didn't feel like watching or thinking about horror. I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do if the worst came true.<br />
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It was a shame, because I was really having fun with the blog again, and I had so many more movies I wanted to shout about from the mountaintop. I may still get to the rest of my list yet, but for now I've got another project in mind, one even more ambitious and thus even more doomed to failure.<br />
<br />
I've got a wall of horror movies in my mancave, about one third of which I've bought but never seen. Problem is, I'm running out of shelf space and need to Purge the chaff from my collection. So this next challenge I've concocted involves watching all my horror movies that I haven't seen yet, and writing at least one paragraph about each. At the end of each review I will decide whether to hang on to the movie in question, or kick that shit to the curb (sell it to the pawn shop).<br />
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I'll warn you now that most of these are probably going to be pretty awful, but if there's a gem or two among them, it should all be worth it. I'm not setting an insane timeline for myself like with the Advent of Atrocities. I will post a minimum of once a week until they are complete. It should take me the better part of the year to finish. There's no way in hell I'll finish, because my will is weak. But here's to Quixotic challenges, and here's to undiscovered horror treasures!<br />
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Slainte!Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-84479676763100260442014-12-09T14:37:00.001-07:002015-01-22T18:20:11.768-07:00I Fail!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSYw1dh7BMHZhTC0NqGg7Hd6Sp9BhLlqkIMG6E37s2YF_-0rtz0BJPfybYxoRQ7pQxe10_lh9EQp3ozOJZY4uGbm4ZMCsah64X9uKT80qlrNFWLwGrfsvbSnsQ71TMTbq1QGnbR5KRscqG/s1600/krampus5_0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSYw1dh7BMHZhTC0NqGg7Hd6Sp9BhLlqkIMG6E37s2YF_-0rtz0BJPfybYxoRQ7pQxe10_lh9EQp3ozOJZY4uGbm4ZMCsah64X9uKT80qlrNFWLwGrfsvbSnsQ71TMTbq1QGnbR5KRscqG/s1600/krampus5_0.jpg" height="640" width="412" /></a></div>
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<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-44708955169475555992014-12-08T14:32:00.003-07:002014-12-08T17:18:45.002-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 8: The Divide (2011)<span style="font-size: large;">Dir. Xavier Gens</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYauuwcUuqRi7IcnRU-jj8GfzycMabu6nxWrAwPBHqbgHpP1MAsEhaTy4j3HvDxw2rwLuBXoXzJQAhtaHQXOqmj21SkbE6DL57-ig-5EOJeeY23x382MeG-ivrjSpA8hAc8xW1PDRwo2wl/s1600/Divide-SomeonesComing.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYauuwcUuqRi7IcnRU-jj8GfzycMabu6nxWrAwPBHqbgHpP1MAsEhaTy4j3HvDxw2rwLuBXoXzJQAhtaHQXOqmj21SkbE6DL57-ig-5EOJeeY23x382MeG-ivrjSpA8hAc8xW1PDRwo2wl/s1600/Divide-SomeonesComing.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I like fun horror movies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I’ll gladly cough up
ten bucks for 90 minutes on a twisty, turny, gory thrill-ride of a flick. I’m also
a Class-A sucker for a horror comedy that brings the bloodshed and belly laughs
in equal measure. And I can easily get caught up in the spook-show atmosphere
of a classic black and white creature feature. Honestly, there’s a horror movie
for every occasion.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But the kind of horror film I really love is a nasty, brutal,
endurance-testing, soul-raping slog through Hell that spits you out the other
side a quivering sack of misanthropy. Xavier Gens specializes in those kind of
horror films, and The Divide is a breath of fresh air for people who love the
smell of putrification.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtcT9aFUUCNaN8gwCNFNcjYnrvFjI5bCr7_ZoVRBoM0oA1sJVNEnkWMzYM3aCOCmYrgthHuk3cKfM_sjVo6YZOjIxwm4yZPaSKpIjXHIg3cjVqBToSmBZAn4nLXKL9kG8BFx-OeVNaxYs0/s1600/Divide-opening.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtcT9aFUUCNaN8gwCNFNcjYnrvFjI5bCr7_ZoVRBoM0oA1sJVNEnkWMzYM3aCOCmYrgthHuk3cKfM_sjVo6YZOjIxwm4yZPaSKpIjXHIg3cjVqBToSmBZAn4nLXKL9kG8BFx-OeVNaxYs0/s1600/Divide-opening.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There goes the neighborhood. All of them.</td></tr>
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The Divide begins with a nuclear explosion in a major U.S.
city, and a building evacuation that only a handful of people survive by making
it to the fallout shelter in the basement. What follows is a document of the
breakdown of order the group experiences as food becomes scarce and the group
splits into factions.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv5VYMEqPMVyWP-uCneaGfh3u7JJp9eIZQ7_DiZ_3yP57yvhxJxI_Bjks83MdopgEVOA3BqFuyKSMgViwk1f8V8l6XNBKozAuTwPZmAaBSS1caa4IRMhI9VVnJ6DysLSgXrVtggC6b0iBm/s1600/Divide-Axeman.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv5VYMEqPMVyWP-uCneaGfh3u7JJp9eIZQ7_DiZ_3yP57yvhxJxI_Bjks83MdopgEVOA3BqFuyKSMgViwk1f8V8l6XNBKozAuTwPZmAaBSS1caa4IRMhI9VVnJ6DysLSgXrVtggC6b0iBm/s1600/Divide-Axeman.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Every community needs a dentist.</td></tr>
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It’s not so much a spoiler as it is fair warning to tell you
that despite some tantalizing clues that only serve to deepen the mystery, the
cause of the explosion is never revealed. The audience remains with the
survivors, woefully unaware of what is happening, and just trying to stay alive
for another day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Things play out much as you would imagine. Initially
everyone follows the only person who has a clue about how to survive. Michael
Biehn gives his greatest post-Terminator performance as Mickey, the sneering, cigar-chomping,
building superintendent who regards the basement as his personal space and his
fellow survivors as the charity-cases he has generously agreed to shelter.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS4otAPDeQfTKnE0rjBbqMNL-4j3wTHmYtQy2kXW7pqNAmDnCN70nZUBAcDWw53zFve9HmLWG_SNezwf23vvIZsbPHPYAFxtfvYVs8RDEjrPuMEZoBBy6hfu3TvnjEZxyGlQ867trHYTi6/s1600/Divide-BiehnSnarl.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS4otAPDeQfTKnE0rjBbqMNL-4j3wTHmYtQy2kXW7pqNAmDnCN70nZUBAcDWw53zFve9HmLWG_SNezwf23vvIZsbPHPYAFxtfvYVs8RDEjrPuMEZoBBy6hfu3TvnjEZxyGlQ867trHYTi6/s1600/Divide-BiehnSnarl.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A sneer so fierce you can practically hear it.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeNjcjODwnKCivX8quWpYsbuCvqGIa2k550-V-aOE8uxn1QMyV5Opj7a9-lXXPH3PzMMeH5u9LKTKApyeM0ABKRK-hOynMO0oYMcU4oQeXtPKMvjGDqBhbBw5NcCGc6vO-2O3rZaHU7An/s1600/Divide-BiehnScaresLittleGirls.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeNjcjODwnKCivX8quWpYsbuCvqGIa2k550-V-aOE8uxn1QMyV5Opj7a9-lXXPH3PzMMeH5u9LKTKApyeM0ABKRK-hOynMO0oYMcU4oQeXtPKMvjGDqBhbBw5NcCGc6vO-2O3rZaHU7An/s1600/Divide-BiehnScaresLittleGirls.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Michael Biehn scares little girls.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPL71rnVeTrzpfNJUNQf5OI27uBidiXzPHPI8H_wxTAfOc6NiuKfuGFLJ-V9zxkZq9tCfnNzD0YZBmBaMCzr1SBHUYHySngGU0YcDDLi4of2vfCK48TzlE0T3RuF-fwP4vfuqSJtMidtK_/s1600/Divide-BiehnTerminator.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPL71rnVeTrzpfNJUNQf5OI27uBidiXzPHPI8H_wxTAfOc6NiuKfuGFLJ-V9zxkZq9tCfnNzD0YZBmBaMCzr1SBHUYHySngGU0YcDDLi4of2vfCK48TzlE0T3RuF-fwP4vfuqSJtMidtK_/s1600/Divide-BiehnTerminator.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now there's the Michael Biehn we know and love!</td></tr>
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But as mistrust grows, some people begin to side with the
two young, hot-headed toughs who’ve been trapped with them. Predictable?
Somewhat. But it’s not the story that elevates Gens’s post-apocalyptic
nightmare, but the way it is told. We bear witness to the slow degeneration of each character.
Some become tyrants, others their pets. Some become prisoners, others
traitors. The toughs go through such a remarkable transformation that they’re
unrecognizable by the movie’s end.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVNjjPwyVRfvtRlCOBrwunjH0QuMCAVncuNmJp7OwgnBERno8ydV2KrgL7jQbUuMn3XZkXl51vY0bZUerr7mSn6CxQObJ2RdcP3IpxCjSuIRLqcUfEHwbLsZzMl0PHDSs9Hzjo49InlrkN/s1600/Divide-bros.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVNjjPwyVRfvtRlCOBrwunjH0QuMCAVncuNmJp7OwgnBERno8ydV2KrgL7jQbUuMn3XZkXl51vY0bZUerr7mSn6CxQObJ2RdcP3IpxCjSuIRLqcUfEHwbLsZzMl0PHDSs9Hzjo49InlrkN/s1600/Divide-bros.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh and Bobby resembling human beings.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-OGQP3wqAQvcrWPNezKrKTdktmFtXy8FrmwKVl9HX8n6fQD7qkOOETKvfsfpMSjmh9R0qf4zc0n8NDvvunLFROUa0NlzUN0a7DoBMgmBu2VS8-bdtd8eFZ9hX3FCOzvgEo9jQpB-ojQkM/s1600/Divide-brosAfter.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-OGQP3wqAQvcrWPNezKrKTdktmFtXy8FrmwKVl9HX8n6fQD7qkOOETKvfsfpMSjmh9R0qf4zc0n8NDvvunLFROUa0NlzUN0a7DoBMgmBu2VS8-bdtd8eFZ9hX3FCOzvgEo9jQpB-ojQkM/s1600/Divide-brosAfter.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is... Magnum.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK14Uhb4QlyoH7huVbcE1cq530zN3ip6ok1vq1llCqnkG45F6DjdbN1MGmtpgFTrxTECgRa5pZCGmg0pWFMeMAswpELGX7cRBIC9Dq18Wb0N7l6OoVC-suWon_gy8EvWdRexzypANaSG0q/s1600/Divide-Scarybros2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK14Uhb4QlyoH7huVbcE1cq530zN3ip6ok1vq1llCqnkG45F6DjdbN1MGmtpgFTrxTECgRa5pZCGmg0pWFMeMAswpELGX7cRBIC9Dq18Wb0N7l6OoVC-suWon_gy8EvWdRexzypANaSG0q/s1600/Divide-Scarybros2.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lauren German wishing she'd stayed in Hostel 2.</td></tr>
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<b><span style="color: red;">[SPOILERS AHEAD]<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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The most devastating transformation is Marilyn, played with
heart-breaking realism by Rosanna Arquette, who begins the movie as a single
mother, becomes a basketcase, then a willing whore, and finally a sex slave. Her
final fate is summed up with the nauseating words, “She just… broke.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><b>[END SPOILERS]<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfKPsJehBPfqzCtqglx88Hzs5Q1vAXx9tHlOTj8u_yPC3vJSK9BOQ0mLe8R94edDmJdmg6pyPhyphenhyphenWa8vErmXm_ye8eF3355Ll_hGSn00Q-CYCCmkZhSeUr9IoDUuYXKbdcTJhCArePs1lBZ/s1600/Divide-SadBunnyArquette.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfKPsJehBPfqzCtqglx88Hzs5Q1vAXx9tHlOTj8u_yPC3vJSK9BOQ0mLe8R94edDmJdmg6pyPhyphenhyphenWa8vErmXm_ye8eF3355Ll_hGSn00Q-CYCCmkZhSeUr9IoDUuYXKbdcTJhCArePs1lBZ/s1600/Divide-SadBunnyArquette.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rosanna Arquette and a sad, sad bunny.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIsDAYy9vJVXvkf4OtI6YhZuPlBeiihxU_7jDLesH2mMcd7qugxnaxqTl2JHDIxXCTIScq1Wr1bQ9lsMm_O6da9uf6A2rUMalhxg4sgQqWxZFePFn-mKD6ChGmncGKr7LVSzjIn4A72g6_/s1600/Divide-gross.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIsDAYy9vJVXvkf4OtI6YhZuPlBeiihxU_7jDLesH2mMcd7qugxnaxqTl2JHDIxXCTIScq1Wr1bQ9lsMm_O6da9uf6A2rUMalhxg4sgQqWxZFePFn-mKD6ChGmncGKr7LVSzjIn4A72g6_/s1600/Divide-gross.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scenes from the Sid and Nancy remake.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJawgWhvS6wiof2jxt1m9l5tJSUT6hfChJQYkhyphenhyphenkd_8VNGmMR3RQjB-x2ESeYPgso8Z8-JnIO7R9G5R_8Tpivxi_ina91SUZ6Szi5r6VAPVOnZ5x-LfiqdCPjoR0r7oKyKZ_QpCm2tGFxe/s1600/Divide-grossest.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJawgWhvS6wiof2jxt1m9l5tJSUT6hfChJQYkhyphenhyphenkd_8VNGmMR3RQjB-x2ESeYPgso8Z8-JnIO7R9G5R_8Tpivxi_ina91SUZ6Szi5r6VAPVOnZ5x-LfiqdCPjoR0r7oKyKZ_QpCm2tGFxe/s1600/Divide-grossest.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Duct tape can't fix <i><b>everything</b></i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While the group dynamics are the focal point of the movie,
there’s also a “home” invasion sequence that works particularly well. From their
terrifying hazmat-by-the-way-of-stormtrooper suits to their gigantic white
assault rifles, these bad boys put the plastic tunnel scene from E.T. to utter
shame.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiK1BFed9iABN_YJmtDXViTMGFWEQC19J58iy9YYoYYRnTaYAA5OwzjJEKnZoyz_hNxBkj1qyQB_RgsJc2Wj6HfdK1lnIuhaxeQ9iprGzQOdGRVTfHfWu7Tz9mnugviS3i1WW4KLXm_m_-/s1600/Divide-Stormtroopers.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiK1BFed9iABN_YJmtDXViTMGFWEQC19J58iy9YYoYYRnTaYAA5OwzjJEKnZoyz_hNxBkj1qyQB_RgsJc2Wj6HfdK1lnIuhaxeQ9iprGzQOdGRVTfHfWu7Tz9mnugviS3i1WW4KLXm_m_-/s1600/Divide-Stormtroopers.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello. Hello! HELLO!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVyO0Wo8hv0IFhUtih1qScYTh-WO2bfge1TTOhn4f_9gTy2QAGQNBpc3dEXskJsbV37GdvpuBvvh_qWW-yVmJ5Fnotv6J82IyuxFpvysvzzwINrQmX0uS1aSrorulPOPj9z9hkEhxqtuAy/s1600/Divide-Stormtrooper.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVyO0Wo8hv0IFhUtih1qScYTh-WO2bfge1TTOhn4f_9gTy2QAGQNBpc3dEXskJsbV37GdvpuBvvh_qWW-yVmJ5Fnotv6J82IyuxFpvysvzzwINrQmX0uS1aSrorulPOPj9z9hkEhxqtuAy/s1600/Divide-Stormtrooper.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's going for the armored barn owl look.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGMGmpqUfywirsuQWTAU_T1A-JTYHXLkEMsu1tUueUaEKmzrq_H301Z8ouIXe0LTcUU30HC6CZ08lmhywW-oBw1hCd_YbSUOwrZHB0FsVSph1SEMa7AmDZWpAAwDYF1uqB3Sp4RSCI8Ad3/s1600/Divide-StormtrooperAbduction2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGMGmpqUfywirsuQWTAU_T1A-JTYHXLkEMsu1tUueUaEKmzrq_H301Z8ouIXe0LTcUU30HC6CZ08lmhywW-oBw1hCd_YbSUOwrZHB0FsVSph1SEMa7AmDZWpAAwDYF1uqB3Sp4RSCI8Ad3/s1600/Divide-StormtrooperAbduction2.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Everyone could use a flu shot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the survivors manage to get ahold of one of the suits
and designate thuggish Josh (Milo Ventimiglia in a 180 turn from his Heroes
persona) to investigate, he finds zero answers and about a thousand questions.
And I love that the film never answers them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhph04YiZblIlAour9jxnaqMQpsdM8SIxlbiic81SWZU9QVPImYch-rXfnz8YhqKX0fAPy3uu8hPpFdwHWEwKTFQFM6epu4V3q0iy45q5bxWev9_OccEAPzRO9t5LRIsQjJWX5QqLch6Ve2/s1600/Divide-MiloBefore2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhph04YiZblIlAour9jxnaqMQpsdM8SIxlbiic81SWZU9QVPImYch-rXfnz8YhqKX0fAPy3uu8hPpFdwHWEwKTFQFM6epu4V3q0iy45q5bxWev9_OccEAPzRO9t5LRIsQjJWX5QqLch6Ve2/s1600/Divide-MiloBefore2.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Quit smiling Milo, you ain't on Heroes anymore.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG4t58Vsg43HOLpt8IVcSTb6nP0lZYGuUTNUvBFoJboq0HJCWXgC5IWUdjJ-YPeCSRvdp-hD9ZgRu_Y5FPqBSXR3pv5Sag2DMEc7qZFrmZ93G1Ai-ROeQ_JRFxmXRxTObT69VSlz282GWy/s1600/Divide-TunnelRun.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG4t58Vsg43HOLpt8IVcSTb6nP0lZYGuUTNUvBFoJboq0HJCWXgC5IWUdjJ-YPeCSRvdp-hD9ZgRu_Y5FPqBSXR3pv5Sag2DMEc7qZFrmZ93G1Ai-ROeQ_JRFxmXRxTObT69VSlz282GWy/s1600/Divide-TunnelRun.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">E.T. Tunnels!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji6fdKoETon6L2DHkzJqoDkBQAxA9mxqlbOZ1OIgMO22ihLIz49hsOnGdXFpDXHFmFYSl52_dF67KyW4qvDeL-SSFhx17h1-0ogYyvqLtgWZWDbTga6dxQLOO9JQcozAfcgkYh9awxi-QY/s1600/Divide-KidFarm.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji6fdKoETon6L2DHkzJqoDkBQAxA9mxqlbOZ1OIgMO22ihLIz49hsOnGdXFpDXHFmFYSl52_dF67KyW4qvDeL-SSFhx17h1-0ogYyvqLtgWZWDbTga6dxQLOO9JQcozAfcgkYh9awxi-QY/s1600/Divide-KidFarm.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Da fuh?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While The Divide is an ugly, ugly film, it is beautifully
shot. The colors, the lighting, the frame composition are all artfully done,
and even when the shelter begins to resemble a crackhouse, it remains visually
striking, if not exactly beautiful.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzjf9trvJYt5ZbeTM0F46ZdUchN8SVTwcZLMndAql-rdtd5Jo6eUTQYHGirpRSapIv4YMrOZTqb2KrncpvdVPZ-KypOD66gHPWYsHIhl8qlf_GGNF44RAcQP9-Tz4_U9Iuj_yChR3t0THI/s1600/Divide-doggy.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzjf9trvJYt5ZbeTM0F46ZdUchN8SVTwcZLMndAql-rdtd5Jo6eUTQYHGirpRSapIv4YMrOZTqb2KrncpvdVPZ-KypOD66gHPWYsHIhl8qlf_GGNF44RAcQP9-Tz4_U9Iuj_yChR3t0THI/s1600/Divide-doggy.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Doggie wants a treat.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ending is good and fitting, and not entirely a down
note. More of another giant question mark. While the ending comes as a
surprise, it’s not really the point of the film. After all, it’s not the destination, but the
journey that matters. Even if the journey is a nasty, brutal, endurance-testing,
soul-raping slog through Hell. </div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi61ub-cWCSaah8Z2ArJAmojMyOnzmqyiYhUhbD70jIR-imEgRUTYjsWjX9H11mniG5qJhXoKrCp3jIVOILFpOAg6JWpe4xKr80t9dRQWrtwx9gfsvQVoPY7VNi0lfNkGhwh5hBy6ajUSwK/s1600/Divide-Ewwww.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi61ub-cWCSaah8Z2ArJAmojMyOnzmqyiYhUhbD70jIR-imEgRUTYjsWjX9H11mniG5qJhXoKrCp3jIVOILFpOAg6JWpe4xKr80t9dRQWrtwx9gfsvQVoPY7VNi0lfNkGhwh5hBy6ajUSwK/s1600/Divide-Ewwww.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just, ewwww.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-88363402094289005202014-12-07T22:52:00.000-07:002014-12-07T22:52:05.475-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 7: Otis (2008)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXvt_8xEI3lwtDW9V2Y16PJhaxer5b7dVuDGvYsrb6YE429yG8t1W7m7yLk86sAF8JPWqxaQTT807LxJO3C-4zij-g09cA7pyF_Dx_6kZf7bbViqMlfUA5_piC4hDlquzkkAjUPbSBctJ/s1600/Otis-Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXvt_8xEI3lwtDW9V2Y16PJhaxer5b7dVuDGvYsrb6YE429yG8t1W7m7yLk86sAF8JPWqxaQTT807LxJO3C-4zij-g09cA7pyF_Dx_6kZf7bbViqMlfUA5_piC4hDlquzkkAjUPbSBctJ/s1600/Otis-Cover.jpg" height="640" width="464" /></a></div>
<br />
You could be forgiven for having passed up (or never having heard of) this straight to DVD horror comedy, but after reading this post, you will be expected to hunt down a copy of your own, give it a place of honor on your DVD shelf, then buy extra copies for your 9 closest friends. You'd be a fool not to.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVG0X5Jlv0zq9KfBiWdO9sQ-QyR0E0l7s0BnibISoI7wLnB_wnZoDyyWsKTYhlGGIsjr4BDyXMD-xdfD4en6EvpSyy1sa03kdHY4UTprDR3_hUc-EP0JmzdrFZOvfqvS8Zf-DTi7EgcJ0e/s1600/Otis-pizzaboy2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVG0X5Jlv0zq9KfBiWdO9sQ-QyR0E0l7s0BnibISoI7wLnB_wnZoDyyWsKTYhlGGIsjr4BDyXMD-xdfD4en6EvpSyy1sa03kdHY4UTprDR3_hUc-EP0JmzdrFZOvfqvS8Zf-DTi7EgcJ0e/s1600/Otis-pizzaboy2.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Otis is the story of a 40-year old pizza delivery boy who is obsessed with going on the perfect prom date. To that end, he regularly kidnaps high school girls, keeps them locked up in his basement, and forces them to role-play his dream date: Kim. If they don't play along, they get punished. If they do play along, well, we don't exactly find out. But there's a long trail of bodies left behind.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBRKTMeeSWhNRi7oz4RysKbljvV1NtJknSIwx0GYcVxxc4qDsVcYC9ncPsgV0bYZRTGM_028fDhM6t29kexHF1gkVSqkZBrExAlHzBJ-Nn_vICMQUa5673uvCyBBHBTA5zjFyXfyPL6w8s/s1600/Otis-1stKim.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBRKTMeeSWhNRi7oz4RysKbljvV1NtJknSIwx0GYcVxxc4qDsVcYC9ncPsgV0bYZRTGM_028fDhM6t29kexHF1gkVSqkZBrExAlHzBJ-Nn_vICMQUa5673uvCyBBHBTA5zjFyXfyPL6w8s/s1600/Otis-1stKim.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
The premise is pretty sick, and Bostin Christopher is beyond creepy in the title role. But it's not creepiness that makes this movie a winner, it's the abyss-black humor. When Otis abducts Riley Lawson (Ashley Johnson), her family finds out where he lives and goes after him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyV85zmUF6egzNKpDEo66g24gJZ_dmPCeqZhragz6ulULnJ7TlpszjkmjutkibjHDqoMSvyK2obxsTY7J95oAzVrh2uZ3oo3HzuqLachjltaxZSpDeHc7YdT3f9h4aApecfSng1B3J-vCW/s1600/Otis-Illeana3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyV85zmUF6egzNKpDEo66g24gJZ_dmPCeqZhragz6ulULnJ7TlpszjkmjutkibjHDqoMSvyK2obxsTY7J95oAzVrh2uZ3oo3HzuqLachjltaxZSpDeHc7YdT3f9h4aApecfSng1B3J-vCW/s1600/Otis-Illeana3.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Illeana Douglas gives the film's standout performance as Riley's mother, whose thirst for revenge tops Otis in depravity. But she doesn't play it as demented, but more matter-of-fact. Sure she's mad as hell and out for blood, but she's always in control.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVRtuZwgNUGkutIPZgqh5zNDc7Lurctz1Yqfe_n-C6rs4VlC_22KLDLBi01ddzgc4B772qLSyiqz2D7iWtrF7NhepA1YuFhBy7-RuJds0xUHLCOGcejsk5oCje-Cd8GYL1ue89UgBQFrMf/s1600/Otis-Illeana2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVRtuZwgNUGkutIPZgqh5zNDc7Lurctz1Yqfe_n-C6rs4VlC_22KLDLBi01ddzgc4B772qLSyiqz2D7iWtrF7NhepA1YuFhBy7-RuJds0xUHLCOGcejsk5oCje-Cd8GYL1ue89UgBQFrMf/s1600/Otis-Illeana2.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Her husband (Daniel Stern), on the other hand, is freaking right the fuck out. The two play off each other like the old pros that they are, with Stern a histrionic ball of panic and Douglas a calm, focused psychopath. Add to the mix and overly enthusiastic son, and you've got the hands-down funniest graphic torture scene of all time.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_-fGePZrELZC1jbl3Is6N0NB23TlAej9c1Q5oC7G-BheV-grOoWK4JZ7eVKpobfs0vRZa_sfUcVJUCGPESm6GsWsld2HlE_nErQhErJecO1KO_V6YvefHCODvUvZOrbwQIWjIXqr8hvm8/s1600/Otis-Stern.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_-fGePZrELZC1jbl3Is6N0NB23TlAej9c1Q5oC7G-BheV-grOoWK4JZ7eVKpobfs0vRZa_sfUcVJUCGPESm6GsWsld2HlE_nErQhErJecO1KO_V6YvefHCODvUvZOrbwQIWjIXqr8hvm8/s1600/Otis-Stern.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">"I've already smashed him in the face with a shovel. I... I hot-wired his rectum!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
And believe me, the scene is brutal. But any discomfort you feel just feeds into your laughter at the dialogue. I don't want to spoil too much of the fun, but here's the best line in the whole movie: "I thought your dad could cut his fingers and toes off and we could blend them into a smoothie and make him drink it." Now imagine that line delivered with a proud smile from Illeana Douglas. Okay, whatever you just imagined wasn't half as funny as her delivery.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX8yaUASTk3lUl08M4pBYveZni-i-QYVhEYItpR5BAnLgV8FfHYOPCM0v1EAMmefISJ4BQgyZEvoZ0hnkTN5fg853JpFbdYKByzG19M6GP0xQ5ughb66U8x8VSpaMj7gbCmCbwwI_83xZf/s1600/Otis-Riley.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX8yaUASTk3lUl08M4pBYveZni-i-QYVhEYItpR5BAnLgV8FfHYOPCM0v1EAMmefISJ4BQgyZEvoZ0hnkTN5fg853JpFbdYKByzG19M6GP0xQ5ughb66U8x8VSpaMj7gbCmCbwwI_83xZf/s1600/Otis-Riley.PNG" height="171" width="400" /></a></div>
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Aside from being disturbing, gory, and hilarious, the cool thing about Otis is that despite being the Big Bad, Otis is constantly being outsmarted and manipulated by the girls he abducts. For a movie where women are assaulted and used as playthings by an overgrown manchild, Otis is surprisingly feminist. Riley survives by her wits, manipulating Otis to her advantage and <span style="color: red;">(MINOR SPOILER)</span> manages to escape without anyone's help. She's a final girl on par with Nancy Thompson.</div>
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As a character, Otis is equal parts menacing and pathetic. He dons his brother's old football uniform and makes Riley dress as a cheerleader, cheering just for him. Leading up to prom night, he takes her on a series of dates, one involving garden gnomes.<br />
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And just look at the dance scene from Otis's dream prom.<br />
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Despite her dread at the prospect of certain post-prom activities (read as all-but-certain rape), Riley can hardly suppress a laugh at Otis's expense.</div>
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As a villain, Otis is a fully-formed character rather than a faceless thrill killer. You never come to like the guy, but you can understand him on some level. Then when Riley's ideal suburban family unleashes their domestic variety of Hell, Otis suddenly doesn't look so bad.<br />
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In closing, go forth and pick up your copy of Otis, abduct a date, and blend up some smoothies for your garden gnomes. It'll be more fun than the prom.<br />
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<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-68428837509962747792014-12-06T20:56:00.001-07:002014-12-06T20:56:22.206-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 6: Larry Fessenden, Patron Saint of Horror<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Let this post serve as an informal award for the most underappreciated Master of Horror: Larry Fessenden. When I was making my list of films to include in my Advent of Atrocities, films either directed by or starring Larry Fessenden were taking up a lot of real estate. It was damned nigh impossible to choose between them, so I decided to lump them all together. So here's you're gift for the 6th day of Christmas: the magesty that is Larry Fessenden.</div>
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When you think of the Masters of Horror, the names that come up might include John Carpenter, Dario Argento, Mario Bava, Wes Craven, or one of the new school masters Ti West, Jim Mickle, or Eli Roth. But very little noise seems to have been made for Larry Fessenden. Chances are, most people know him as this guy:</div>
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That's right, he's the sleazy neighbor who gets killed at the beginning of You're Next!</div>
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But Dear Gods if that all you know him as, you're missing out. Let's go through a brief list of Fessenden's horror credentials.</div>
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He has directed:</div>
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Habit (1995)</div>
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Wendigo (2001) </div>
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The Last Winter (2006)</div>
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Beneath (2013)</div>
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ABCs of Death - N is for Nexus (2014)</div>
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Okay. so admittedly, there's not anything you'd consider a classic on the list. But here's sampling of films he's produced:</div>
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Zombie Honeymoon (2004)</div>
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The Off Season (2004)</div>
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The Roost (2005)</div>
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Sisters (2006)</div>
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Trigger Man (2007)</div>
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I Sell the Dead (2008)</div>
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House of the Devil (2009)</div>
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Bitter Feast (2010)</div>
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Satan Hates You (2010)</div>
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Stake Land (2010)</div>
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Hypothermia (2010)</div>
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The Innkeepers (2011)</div>
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Late Phases (201)</div>
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This is why I call him the patron Saint of Horror. He's produced most of Ti West's best work, Jim Mickle's best film to date, and a slew of other horror titles that proves his dedication to the genre. The actual list is much longer, but I only included the horror titles. He also produces all kinds of indie films, Wendy and Lucy particularly stands out. The point is: this man is knee-deep in blood and guts, yet he's not a big name.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fessenden in Bitter Feast.</td></tr>
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Perhaps that is by design. As the founder of Glass Eye Pix, his philosophy of filmmaking is that you don't need a massive budget or big star to make a great film. Since 1985, Glass Eye Pix has been producing great indie flicks by auteur directors, especially young horror directors. In short, Larry Fessenden is doing God's Work.</div>
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Beyond that, Larry Fessenden is a kick-ass character actor. Here's a brief list of his horror-related roles:</div>
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The Strain (2014)</div>
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Jug Face (2013)</div>
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We Are What We Are (2013)</div>
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The Battery (2012)</div>
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Hellbenders (2012)</div>
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Silver Bullets (2011)</div>
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Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)</div>
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Cabin Fever 2 (2009)</div>
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I Sell the Dead (2008)</div>
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Mulberry Street (2006)</div>
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I could go on, but you get the point. This man is essential to modern horror.</div>
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Although none of his directorial efforts has reached classic status yet, let me highlight a few of them, because each and every one (that I've seen) is a standout.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Habit (1995)</span></div>
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Behold a young Larry Fessenden at a Halloween party dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac. If he looks drunk, it's only beacuse he's drunk.</div>
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Here's Larry on his way to the Halloween party. Yes, he's got a drinking problem. His father has recently passed away, and he's taking it a bit hard. Not only that, he's got to give an acceptance speech for an award his father won, but didn't live to receive. The beauty of Habit is that it is so character-driven that the horror element is almost unnecessary. To me, that's the mark of a well-crafted horror film. Are the characters compelling enough that you could take away the horror element and you'd still have enough to base a movie on.</div>
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Habit is a story of newfound love in a particularly difficult time in one man's life. It's also a vampire movie. I can't say that the vampire element is necessarily used to explore a larger theme, but it's a hell of a great vampire film. And it's one of the rare instances in which Fessenden plays the lead character. And he's great. He's got a slovenly charm about him that makes you understand why the vampire character is fascinated by him. Watching Habit, it's difficult to understand why he didn't become a more prominent actor. Dude's got the goods.</div>
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I don't know about you, but I've always been fascinated by the legend of the Wendigo. It's a dark spirit that was said by the Algonquians to represent the balance of nature, and to induce a madness in people that led to them indulging in cannibalism.</div>
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Like Habit, Wendigo is a character-driven tale with a family at its heart. Kim and George and their son Miles take a trip out to an isolated cabin belonging to a family friend. On the way there, they hit a deer with their car. A group of hunters springs out of the woods, angry because they'd been tracking the wounded animal for hours, and further angered by the fact the the impact of the crash has cracked one of the antlers, making it less valuable.</div>
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The family's weekend is marked by aggression from the psycho hunters, and by something darker in the woods. Wendigo is a micro-budget masterpiece by a filmmaker unconcerned with fame and money. This is a labor of love, and it shows.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The Last Winter (2006)</span></div>
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Larry seems to have thing for snowy environments. Wendigo, The Last Winter, and Beneath all take place in cold climes. But The Last Winter is where the weather acts as a major character. The film concerns a group of oil scouts in Alaska who have been forced to take on an environmental scientist who must assess possible environmental impacts of their operation.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKVt0WlTApg1HNZU-4vELQ2klLf6gpy7kCT2cSM7GEGEMD46TzghzZ0EmIP7LZg-Lf-UcxlATLLno802JSbE0YjiOYizj__z9PQWEsqaYC-PcMaJ3Qnz2afG_mD2_8DM_M6VNeO1ko5hhx/s1600/LF-LastWinter3.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKVt0WlTApg1HNZU-4vELQ2klLf6gpy7kCT2cSM7GEGEMD46TzghzZ0EmIP7LZg-Lf-UcxlATLLno802JSbE0YjiOYizj__z9PQWEsqaYC-PcMaJ3Qnz2afG_mD2_8DM_M6VNeO1ko5hhx/s1600/LF-LastWinter3.PNG" height="172" width="400" /></a></div>
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Needless to say, weird stuff starts happening. One of the young crew members goes missing, and leaves behind a video of him talking crazy and venturing naked out into the arctic landscape. On the tape are mysterious shape that can't be explained.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ1Gu9zcT8c_eurCSg8QHvIx7YGu6nxPD-6jxaFSvMAtmYtaMVRqlAM-7tIOlzlyBvG-rWeUGreIIPbM6yzkNCbcV97sDxYJFvOzdo44-QLpQ5hopHRVyFWP468uZjMK-Q3dzaBS71STLt/s1600/LF-LastWinter2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ1Gu9zcT8c_eurCSg8QHvIx7YGu6nxPD-6jxaFSvMAtmYtaMVRqlAM-7tIOlzlyBvG-rWeUGreIIPbM6yzkNCbcV97sDxYJFvOzdo44-QLpQ5hopHRVyFWP468uZjMK-Q3dzaBS71STLt/s1600/LF-LastWinter2.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></div>
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The Last Winter is, as far as I know, the first environmental horror movie. It tackles the question (as does Wendigo, to a lesser extent) how does nature fight back when humans violate its balance?</div>
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Full disclosure: I haven't yet seen Fessenden's two newest movies. But I would heartily recommend each of the films highlighted here, plus Bitter Feast (a tale of a celebrity chef seeking revenge on his fiercest critic) and You're Next! (If you haven't seen this, don't call yourself a horror fan until the situation is remedied).</div>
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And on one last note, if you're still unconvinced of Larry Fessenden's awesomeness, he also produces a web-based horror-themed radio drama series named <a href="http://talesfrombeyondthepale.com/">Tales From Beyond the Pale</a>. If any of you are into Arch Oboler's Lights Out or the old Rod Serling radio plays, Fessenden is the man bring that stuff back. Each episode boasts a celebrity cast and a name author. Sir Lawrence, you just put everyone else to shame.</div>
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Your assignment: Watch a Larry Fessenden flick, then tell me how right I am in the comments. Go!</div>
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Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-62357439875755931652014-12-05T18:13:00.003-07:002014-12-05T18:13:41.203-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 5: Dark Touch (2013)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dir. Marina de Van</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJKztdchbiV5yQQxxw5ON9FY09vBjmXHC9ayo2TApnrwuO6MEizbtPuIls-lpDMEW5yDuW-qhyphenhyphenCCg0GDhJWycrdGOtH08iGP1Us5CEjMFq0cxeB3oDAkhrPO-9fw9Do6pfbpPTCNOXjJf/s1600/DT-Poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJKztdchbiV5yQQxxw5ON9FY09vBjmXHC9ayo2TApnrwuO6MEizbtPuIls-lpDMEW5yDuW-qhyphenhyphenCCg0GDhJWycrdGOtH08iGP1Us5CEjMFq0cxeB3oDAkhrPO-9fw9Do6pfbpPTCNOXjJf/s1600/DT-Poster.jpg" height="640" width="430" /></a></div>
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I've spent the last 5 months trying to figure out how to write this review, and I've finally come up with an angle.<b> I ain't telling you shit about this movie.</b> Here's why: It's one of those movies where the less you know going in, the better. There's a first act reveal that just nauseated me (meaning I loved it) and I don't want to rob you of that experience.<br />
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Watching the beginning of Dark Touch, you get little hints that arouse your suspicions and your unease continues to build as you think, "Don't let what I think is happening be happening." And then it is. And then you emotionally puke a little. That's not to say that the movie peaks in the first act, just that it needs to unfold exactly as it does to be most effective. So if you know nothing about this movie, don't look it up. Don't read the synopsis, and please don't read anyone's comments on it. Just go straight to Netflix and stream it (Yes, it's available right now! You can't wait to see it on my recommendation, right?).<br />
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Oh, and don't be put off by the cover image, as I initially was.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_lpfEjU2gktpGsA_5ARTh-Dx7jJEeKW8od72IXD0tqLpT33BkbACQegPrNNbzhWgaEVj7SdBbDADncpXCxu_HxHC3g4hBSqxGSIsbFHOVrz4wMBuzTVYnomWzF7F1htKUwVBSqSuY6T4Q/s1600/DT-Poster4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_lpfEjU2gktpGsA_5ARTh-Dx7jJEeKW8od72IXD0tqLpT33BkbACQegPrNNbzhWgaEVj7SdBbDADncpXCxu_HxHC3g4hBSqxGSIsbFHOVrz4wMBuzTVYnomWzF7F1htKUwVBSqSuY6T4Q/s1600/DT-Poster4.jpg" height="400" width="268" /></a></div>
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This cover looks, to me, like another knock-off Japanese creepy ghost girl flick, which I am so SO not into.<br />
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So if I'm not telling you shit about the film, what can we talk about here? Let's start with Marina de Van. Burn that name into your memory banks right now (MARINA DE VAN, MARINA DE VAN, MARINA DE VAN, MARINA DE VAN, etc,) because she is the next phase of horror filmmaking. I believe Dark Touch is her 3rd feature. Her first was In My Skin (not to be confused with the fifty other films with "skin" and "in" in the titles), a disturbing body horror meditation that she also stars in. I'd have a hard time choosing which film was better.<br />
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In Dark Touch, the divine Ms. de Van tackles some serious real world horror using the supernatural as a parable, and does so with maturity and intelligence. The most frequent complaint I've seen from reviewers is that Dark Touch is lacking in the story department. In my humble opinion, these reviewers are severely lacking in the cognitive skills department. The story is all there, spelled out coherently, but subtly. She expects her audience to be paying attention to the emotional beats instead of shoving popcorn into their faces. The story is told, not in broad strokes, but in subtle looks and silences. It also features a woman getting furniture screws through her neck and chin, so it's not all Howard's End; there's some Carrie in there as well.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirHZ3zFTq4elksRhOy2LRITvmiHu7uut5_M1qp6HluvIRRsKdJEkyYKKFKwcnjtG_36oeloz4d5uCOcbkvUwaBdk1T3qJf1AGADZ_ay0YeqXH17AAqioUyAlRPRXqIDXKPbTZGifkHTq4U/s1600/DT+Poster3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirHZ3zFTq4elksRhOy2LRITvmiHu7uut5_M1qp6HluvIRRsKdJEkyYKKFKwcnjtG_36oeloz4d5uCOcbkvUwaBdk1T3qJf1AGADZ_ay0YeqXH17AAqioUyAlRPRXqIDXKPbTZGifkHTq4U/s1600/DT+Poster3.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This cover probably captures the feel of the film best.</td></tr>
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The performances are just uniformly perfect. Missy Keating as the girl Niamh (pronounced Neve, bloody Irish and their Gaelic spelling) gives a standout performance and would definitely have been on my best actresses list for 2013 if I'd seen it that year. Then there's Marcella Plunkett as her foster mother, who in addition to being a fantastic actress, has a hugely compelling face. I'm not kidding, you just stare at it and marvel about its complexity. It's a face that tells stories without saying a word.<br />
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Lastly, there's Charlotte Flyvholm, who plays Niamh's school psychologist. She's the single most appealing character in the film. She's a good-hearted person doing the best she can to help a severely traumatized child, and she's so warm and charming that you just want to curl up in her lap and let her stroke your head. My only complaint about the film is that her storyline is dropped before the climax, a loose end that is never followed up.<br />
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Finally, just let me mention the ending. After a relatively slow-burn of a movie, things go very bad very quickly. While I'm tempted to relate how sick and twisted the finale is, I'm afraid I'd be building it up too much. On the spectrum of sick and twisted, we've all seen worse, but it still manages to jar you. And in the context of the whole film and its themes, it's the perfect way to end things: the continuation of a cycle.<br />
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Anyhow, now that I've spent 7 paragraphs not telling you about the movie, go stream it. I'll expect a full report in the morning.<br />
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<i><b>P.S. I've seen from my stats that there are only 5 people reading this regularly. Identify yourselves in the comments and let me lavish you with praise for your impeccable taste in blogs.</b></i>Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-82529040444945162572014-12-04T15:47:00.000-07:002014-12-04T15:47:19.223-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 4: The Battery (2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp6xLD_WfFbOM3tH7BeTmCpBVWsgctZD60mN6HUUZjiEU55KlZkvFWc3MS-cHeAdI4moBE0kelEepgiOaDPuxOfOvDnU1T8zA6yrZ3J8XUW7mwZ6mUyOK7QYd9Mj7JAanci8ddxdk6oKIy/s1600/Battery-Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp6xLD_WfFbOM3tH7BeTmCpBVWsgctZD60mN6HUUZjiEU55KlZkvFWc3MS-cHeAdI4moBE0kelEepgiOaDPuxOfOvDnU1T8zA6yrZ3J8XUW7mwZ6mUyOK7QYd9Mj7JAanci8ddxdk6oKIy/s1600/Battery-Cover.jpg" height="640" width="452" /></a></div>
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The Battery isn't so much a horror movie as it is a zombie-themed art-house indie road movie. And by the way, that's a good thing. I imagine most of you are pretty burned out on zombies, and I'm with you on that. Remember the good old days when Romero's Dawn of the Dead was the end-all, be-all of zombie films and only you and your horror nerd friends had actually watched it? Twenty years after it was made, it was still edgy and fairly underground. These days you can't walk into the kids' department at K-Mart without tripping over a box of cutesified zombie jammies. Also, remember K-Mart. I'm old.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhfcqZBM3oftDlABRwFgr7rN37t_jLFNeG_ZiEz8D73E5nAp8M9_YGWebB749jh7aIdVuAReNyGIi6w3hg0ts19R8nLFeJFUTVHNIqBEVn7RjDdhWtBLv_7kxrGnjyqSBU6INSi41f-N0Q/s1600/ZombieHugs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhfcqZBM3oftDlABRwFgr7rN37t_jLFNeG_ZiEz8D73E5nAp8M9_YGWebB749jh7aIdVuAReNyGIi6w3hg0ts19R8nLFeJFUTVHNIqBEVn7RjDdhWtBLv_7kxrGnjyqSBU6INSi41f-N0Q/s1600/ZombieHugs.jpg" height="282" width="400" /></a></div>
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The point of this rambling zombie nostalgia is that after the bombast and spectacle of the multi-million dollar zombie flick World War Z, a small, intimate zombie movie like The Battery is the only thing that can bring this genre back from the dead. The Battery is essentially a 2-man show. Ben and Mickey live in the now too familiar post-zombie-apocalypse America, wandering through the woods and looting houses to get by. The film's title, by the way, does not refer to a car battery, as I was certain would be the case. It is actually a baseball term I was unfamiliar with, meaning the catcher and the pitcher, which is exactly what Ben and Mickey were, pre-ZA. Aside from the fact they were on the same baseball team, the two have little in common and have vastly different coping strategies for dealing with the new world order. Ben embraces the brutal, nomadic lifestyle of this new world, relishing the freedom it affords. Mickey wants nothing more than to hole up in a house or find some other trace of civilization.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcT1qERcPBowR2V3k2US-1pTotCEjWfx5Db8xvXuYYNt8iOP-uHSuoUOFKpcQFN1TvHrabfoitSKK4Xo4L7eIx2fYya1n9P8jZkgQiOC10lL23QZCnBqbN1-kxhh1RmJcyhp2hoZrJ8F2U/s1600/Battery-Cartrap.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcT1qERcPBowR2V3k2US-1pTotCEjWfx5Db8xvXuYYNt8iOP-uHSuoUOFKpcQFN1TvHrabfoitSKK4Xo4L7eIx2fYya1n9P8jZkgQiOC10lL23QZCnBqbN1-kxhh1RmJcyhp2hoZrJ8F2U/s1600/Battery-Cartrap.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></div>
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The zombie action is kept to a minimum, with the focal point of the film being the relationship between the two leads. If you like your horror films fast and ferocious, The Battery may put you to sleep. What the film does instead is to simulate the feeling of what life would be like after most of the population is dead or zombified. In a word: boredom. Director (and the dude who plays Ben) Jeremy Gardner isn't afraid of long, lingering shots in which very little happens. The movie opens with a full two minutes of Mickey smoking and changing the batteries in his Discman. There's also a toothbrushing scene that goes on well over a minute. Writing this, it sounds awful. But within the context of the movie, it works. Just be warned that The Battery requires a high tolerance for art-house pacing.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiXxkJclTWYCR56XWAyMrXjoeT-uvsEb1XRcb4lPyCV8rxMO8DyPZuxKKrwb_ZU5oRhXXHKcfSA4mYf-_PtqH_sR6AMRap7iAqV3LlI3nBeddD5QyaOz8TJ8-ESqnFMycHDhSkGf6r5L-r/s1600/Battery-Toothbrushing.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiXxkJclTWYCR56XWAyMrXjoeT-uvsEb1XRcb4lPyCV8rxMO8DyPZuxKKrwb_ZU5oRhXXHKcfSA4mYf-_PtqH_sR6AMRap7iAqV3LlI3nBeddD5QyaOz8TJ8-ESqnFMycHDhSkGf6r5L-r/s1600/Battery-Toothbrushing.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></div>
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While the movie is slow, the interaction between the two leads is highly entertaining and often hilarious. Ben's kind of an asshole, but not the worst person to be stuck with. And that's kind of the point of the movie. Two guys who don't really like each other that much come to depend on one another and eventually form a bond deeper than either is aware of. Plus Mickey masturbates to zomboobies! Just thought I'd throw that in there.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjucoc9oH4UxXCiJW4Fvuy8V5COkK5dpCokRUuU523kfAU5ae3o56YWRHr2KdKQ1Phyphenhyphena16hySiVk41GAhZUP9PzTwmVCDopwelxbN-2y2v4_fDW-6eOGXJrAZUM03WcR9UDcZfXA6pQ3dxq/s1600/Battery-Zomboobies.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjucoc9oH4UxXCiJW4Fvuy8V5COkK5dpCokRUuU523kfAU5ae3o56YWRHr2KdKQ1Phyphenhyphena16hySiVk41GAhZUP9PzTwmVCDopwelxbN-2y2v4_fDW-6eOGXJrAZUM03WcR9UDcZfXA6pQ3dxq/s1600/Battery-Zomboobies.PNG" height="170" width="400" /></a></div>
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I won't spoil any more of what happens, but I do need to mention the greatness of the music. I'm so pissed that there's no soundtrack available, because every song that plays in the movie is pure gold. No wonder Mickey's got headphones on all the time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9GkLX8YktJlgQpykPiH707RYO7dXvQsEiZAeq8YP8wLCANOQX6IWTRuUnp43N_wx6x5xo3b6ZwCJydgSV4B4XTT1TNVEptCA9SDY2ta4gXB0Xp4Ur9uOy6ZBo1J-wJceuLpvXrchAjQmQ/s1600/Battery-Ben.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9GkLX8YktJlgQpykPiH707RYO7dXvQsEiZAeq8YP8wLCANOQX6IWTRuUnp43N_wx6x5xo3b6ZwCJydgSV4B4XTT1TNVEptCA9SDY2ta4gXB0Xp4Ur9uOy6ZBo1J-wJceuLpvXrchAjQmQ/s1600/Battery-Ben.PNG" height="168" width="400" /></a></div>
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Now that I'm at the end of this review, I realize that I haven't made much of a case for why this movie is so good. And I still can't figure out how to express it. But trust me, if you're sick of the whole mass media zombie-bombardment of the last several years, don't let that put you off from seeing it. The Battery is the anti-World War Z.<br />
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<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-14110113450208771072014-12-03T07:16:00.000-07:002014-12-03T07:16:04.147-07:00Advent of Atrocities - Day 3: Nurse (2013) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, at the end of Nurse, we find out that Abbie the killer nurse is actually Sarah Price, who had been living under a fake identity after escaping the mental hospital she'd been committed to after killing her father as an 8-year old.<br />
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That's right. I just spoiled the whole plot in the first sentence. I did this because:<br />
A) I'm an asshole, and<br />
B) To make the point that the film's plot is entirely beside the point.<br />
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This "twist" is just tacked on to make it seem like Nurse is telling an actual story. But the glory of Nurse is that it manages to be a great time despite lacking such fundamental things as story and character development. Further, it creates a new horror icon for the ages. Abbie Russell stands tall among some of the most sinister villains in the genre. And to think, I fully intended to skip this one.<br />
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I never wanted to see Nurse. It looked like nothing more than a cheesy, money-grabbing excuse to show boobies in 3-D. And it kinda is. But in a good way. The narration is sharp and funny, delivered in Paz de la Huerta's drawn-out monotone that kills every one-liner the script throws at her. At one point, she has just offed her therapist by seducing him in his car, shooting him up with a paralytic, then letting the car roll backward into traffic where it promptly gets totalled by a semi. As the victim's bloody corpse smashes through the windshield, she narrates, "Larry made me come after all."<br />
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Half the reason Nurse didn't initially appeal to me was that I never thought too much of Paz de la Huerta. Maybe she's pretty, but not in a way that appeals to me, and I figured she was cast because of her willingness to take her clothes off (SPOILER: She does.), but aside from the killer script, she's the reason Nurse is so much fun.<br />
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Her part is written so she doesn't really have to act. She just has to vamp like crazy. But somehow she ends up being a totally compelling character and hilarious to boot. Her every line is simultaneously overplayed and underplayed, if that makes any sense.<br />
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The fun part of Nurse is watching Abbie gleefully (yes, she remains stone-faced, but the glee is implied) dismantles her new coworker, Dani's entire life, all the while justifying it to herself. When Dani graduates from nursing school, Abbie takes her out on the town, drugs her drink, sets her up with a 3-way, and takes photos to use against her. None of this is out of spite, by the way; Abbie has quite the thing for Dani. But Dani's got a boyfriend she needs to get rid of. Everything Abbie does is completely malevolent, but she still sees herself as the hero of her own story.<br />
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The violence in Nurse is pretty strong throughout, but the last 15 minutes becomes a pretty decent bloodbath, The gore isn't stomach-turning, but the blood does flow freely. Nurse isn't a pull-the-covers-over-your-head-and-sleep-with-all-the-lights-on horror movie. It's a wicked, mindless hoot for a drunken Saturday night. So there's your weekend. You're welcome.<br />
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<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-16889096908766222352014-12-02T17:25:00.000-07:002014-12-02T17:25:00.961-07:00Advent of Atrocities-Day 2: Stage Fright (2014)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you're of the opinion that the concept of a Horror Musical is just too goofy to work, you're absolutely right. The genres are too at odds to play together and create anything but an unwatchable mess. But throw in a 3rd genre, and you're on to something.<br />
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Stage Fright is a Horror-Comedy-Musical that works precisely because the horror is dialed down to the point where it's not actually a horror film, but a horror-themed musical comedy. While there's nothing scary about Stage Fright, there is some pretty decent gore that will keep the sickos among us happy.<br />
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What's most surprising about Stage Fright is how well is holds up as a musical. The songs are insidious ear-worms that get lodged in your brain for weeks at a time. I've spent the last five days spontaneously bursting into the refrain, "I'm gay, I'm gay, but not in that way." And the film's lead, Allie MacDonald sings the living shit out of her songs. Stage Fright even boasts an opening starring the all-singing, all-acting Minnie Driver, who suffers a wonderfully horrible murder in her dressing room.<br />
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Stage Fright takes place at a youth theater camp called Center Stage that is run by Meat Loaf Aday, which is, of course, the mark of quality. Theater geeks should be just as into this movie as horror geeks, because it directly caters to them. Center Stage is populated by theater-geek caricatures who have found their refuge, a place where they are free to express their innermost selves without fear of abuse from peers and parents. Then, of course, the fear begins.<br />
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One of the movie's cleverest gags is that whenever the killer sings, he does so in an over-the-top metal wail, backed by searing doom-metal guitars.* When he delivers his pre-kill one-liners, he does so in that same ridiculous voice. The one-liners are all theater-related cliches so awful that they become highest art. And please do yourself a favor and listen to the closing credits medley with every song performed by this same metal band. It's a trancendant experience.<br />
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For a movie about the brutal murder of teenagers, Stage Fright is a fun, light-hearted romp that will keep you laughing until ear-worms make your brain explode.<br />
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*Full disclosure: I don't know Deathklock from Mastodon, so I'm pretty sure I've mislabeled the metal sub-genre.Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-4859631659481827952014-12-01T17:18:00.000-07:002014-12-07T22:52:59.890-07:00Advent of Atrocities - Day1: Found. (2014)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">"My brother keeps a human head in his closet."</span><br />
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Now that's my kind of opening line! But I didn't appreciate it right away. I knew the concept behind Found: What if a 12-year old horror movie fanatic found out his brother was a brutal, slasher-style serial killer? I was kind of disappointed that there was no build-up to his discovery. No emotion. Just a monotone stating of the facts.<br />
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My disappointment was misplaced. Found knows what the hell it is doing.<br />
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There's a blurb on the DVD cover from Elvira, Mistress of the Dark that describes the film, "As horror as horror can get." This 6-word summary pretty much renders my review unnecessary, but then, I never claimed to be necessary.<br />
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At it's heart, Found is a family drama with a focus on characters and relationships, a rare enough commodity in horror, almost unheard of for a slasher. One could argue that Found isn't really a slasher at all, since it bucks most of the genre's conventions. The body count is low, we don't actually see the majority of the murders, and the masked killer is revealed, maskless, at the beginning of the film. So if Found is not formally a slasher film, it at least was conceived and executed by filmmakers with a deep and abiding love for the genre.<br />
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I found out about Found at Beyond Hollywood, a movie site dedicated to highlighting foreign and genre films. It's based on a novel by the site's editor, Todd Rigney, who I've been reading for years. And let me tell you, the man has impeccable taste in movies. And he's done what I've only dreamed of: taking his expertise in cinema and creating his own movie. And a hell of a great one at that.<br />
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Found is the hardcore horror hound's horror film. Set somewhere in the late '80s/early '90s, the movie will give viewers of my generation the added treat of nostalgia for making the trip out to an honest-to-gods video store, complete with the lurid VHS covers in the horror section, situated right next to the becurtained adults-only closet of mysteries.<br />
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The most slasher-like part of Found is the movie-within-a-movie, Headless, which looks and feels like a genuine late 70's exploitation film that was slightly too underground to make it to the shelves of your local Blockbuster.<br />
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I'm the world's biggest sucker for coming-of-age stories, even the sweet ones. But throw in a macabre element and I'm in Heaven. Stand By Me, comes to mind, along with Hearts in Atlantis and Joyland. But honestly, Stephen King has never made anything this dark and outright disturbing. There's always an element of heartbreak in coming-of-age stories, and Found taps into that sadness expertly. Marty, the film's narrator and protagonist is in fifth grade and struggling to reconcile his adoration of his older brother Steve with his newfound knowledge that Steve is a serial murderer. To complicate things, both Marty and Steve are huge horror fans whose shared love of horror films is their one real point of bonding. So when Marty finds out that his brother's life is basically a horror movie, he can relate on some level. The thought of turning him in to the police never crosses his mind, even though he is a caring and sympathetic kid. As he's holding one of his brother's severed heads in his hands (he's not bad, just fascinated by death), he thinks, "At one point, it had thoughts and feelings, and it kissed somebody it loved. Now it's just a bloody head in a bowling ball bag."<br />
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The two brothers' relationship is central to the film, and while we're obviously supposed to sympathize with Marty, the movie goes out of its way to also paint Steve in a somewhat sympathetic light. We know from the film's first line that he's a psycho killer, but he's no faceless Michael Myers. No embodiment of pure evil. He's crazy, for sure, but capable of caring about people. Half the film's tension comes from wondering how far his love for Marty extends and whether he'd ever intentionally hurt him.<br />
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Now is the time to warn you that Found is extremely low-budget, which shows from time to time in the props and the performances. Look past it. There are no out-and-out bad performances in Found, just the air of inexperience surrounding some of the actors. Ethan Philbeck as Steve, for instance, has no other acting credits to his name (at least according to IMDB) and his inexperience shows. But that doesn't stop him from being super-creepy in most scenes and downright terrifying in the end.<br />
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The end. What can I say to express the sheer horror of this film's ending? You know, right from the opening moments, that this is a story that can't end well. The majority of the film's run time is spent making sure you care about the characters, and then... fan, meet shit. I must applaud Found's use of male nudity to amp up the ickyness factor sevenfold, as well as its determination to make the viewer do all the nasty work of imagining what we're not seeing. Then the final shot... FUCK. Just FUCK.<br />
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So if you don't mind your horror low-budget and you love it degenerate, soul-crushing, and nasty, go tell your boss you're sick ('cuz I know you're reading this at work), go home, and stream this from Amazon ASAP. Better yet, order the DVD because it's less than 8 bucks, and it comes with the full, uncut versions of two of the movies-within-a-movie featured in the film.<br />
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When you're done, come back and thank me profusely in the comments.Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-21683325015490589542014-11-25T18:12:00.000-07:002014-11-25T18:12:12.948-07:00Advent of Atrocities Challenge<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I don’t have to tell my frustrated followers that I don’t
write enough. My output for the last 2 years has been nothing short of
pathetic. Meanwhile, my list of kick ass horror movies that I’m just dying to
tell people about grows ever longer. Here’s the problem: I always feel like my
blog entries have to be grandiose, well thought out, and contain tons of screen
caps that take hours to get. By these standards, blogging becomes too daunting,
and I throw on a flick instead.</div>
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Which is why I’ve cleverly chosen the busiest time of year
to set a challenge for myself: An Advent Calendar of Atrocities. Each day in
December, leading up to Christmas, I will post a blog entry on a great horror
movie I’d like to share with you fine folks. Some days they might be a
paragraph recommending something. Other days I might run off at the fingertips,
gushing for 2000 words about some flick that has captured my imagination.</div>
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That’s 24 days of tiny, bite-sized gifts for you. And if any
of y’all are feeling the spirit of the season, I challenge you to create a
blogging advent calendar of your own, and we can totally cross-linkify.</div>
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Should I fail this challenge, may the Krampus roast my
chestnuts on an open fire. Now let the holiday giving begin!</div>
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Marvin Out</div>
Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-945176810886572202014-11-24T17:38:00.000-07:002014-11-24T18:08:15.441-07:00Canary - A MMM Original Short StoryIt's been ages since I tried my hand at fiction, but when the challenge came, the possibilities were just too enticing to pass up. The <a href="http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/11/21/flash-fiction-challenge-superheroes-plus-2/">challenge </a>came from Chuck Wendig at his blog <a href="http://terribleminds.com/ramble/blog/">Terrible Minds</a>. Participants were asked to post a story of 1,000 words or less. The story was to be a superhero story mashed up with another subgenre of your choice. First on the list was Splatterpunk Horror. How could I resist?<br />
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Let me know what you think in the comments. Unless, you know, you didn't like it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGglnpHPju4rp4TTVLRtLGJ4D8vfhPQiIe9j2RlWK4qzb8L3Cg-a-W-fNvF9Y7qBS_u1C3lMmqt4Gbi_5gRArW79rgTlCLm1E7uXbhz6z5FZdu6GuFjKHS0qi-yvuXOXKLZwUcywbMKuI2/s1600/dead-canary.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGglnpHPju4rp4TTVLRtLGJ4D8vfhPQiIe9j2RlWK4qzb8L3Cg-a-W-fNvF9Y7qBS_u1C3lMmqt4Gbi_5gRArW79rgTlCLm1E7uXbhz6z5FZdu6GuFjKHS0qi-yvuXOXKLZwUcywbMKuI2/s1600/dead-canary.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Canary</span></b><br />
<i>by Marvin the Macabre</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I write this as an act of desperation, aware it is probably
my death warrant. But the world must know. After all, that’s what he really
wanted me for: A witness. Why else would the world’s most mysterious, solitary
crimefighter sign up for the sidekick mentoring program? And why are my duties
limited to carrying his gear and cleaning up blood? I was at the top of my
class at Sidekick Academy for fuck’s sake! Voted most likely to graduate
directly to the rank of crimefighter! But no, I wanted to do things the right
way; to learn from a legend. When The Jaguar choose me, I almost wept with joy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then I met him. There was something wholly unnerving about
his gaze. Like he was looking down on some lesser being. I chalked it up to the
refined art of intimidation. The beaten, bloodied criminals he took down never
failed to mention those eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My first days at Rothman Estate (did I mention his secret
identity is Elias Rothman, spoiled rotten heir to the Rothman biogenetic
fortune?) were a lesson in humiliation. The first thing he did was strip me of
my name. Inspired by Jaguar, I had cultivated an identity that bespoke power
and tapped into that archetypal energy. I was the mighty Kodiak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You ain’t no Kodiak,” he mocked, “not even a cub. You want an
animal name? Fine. You’re Canary.” Even as my stomach revolted, I made no
outward sign of my displeasure. I assumed he was breaking me down to build me
up again. I knew I’d been getting an ego at academy. Excelling at everything
and outperforming your peers by a factor of three will do that. So I accepted
his training methods as painful, but necessary. Thing is, after five years he
hasn’t even attempted to teach me anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think Ubermensch is on to him, at least a little. There’s
little trust and no love between them. As for Mr. Mind, he’s a complete fraud.
I stood not five feet away from him, my mind screaming RESCUE ME! and he just
walked away with a tiny nod and an oblivious grin. Mostly Jaguar keeps me away
from the other supers. He’ll see one coming and order me to some menial task a
safe distance away. He refuses to join the Crimefighters Coalition for obvious
reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve known for years that Jaguar had crossed a line, but I
thought I could tough it until the end of my apprenticeship. That all changed
last night. In the past, it’s always been criminals. Filthy fucking murderers
and rapists so reprehensible that a court of law almost seems too good for
them. Almost. But last night when I saw that glint in his eye and his
teeth-bearing half-smirk, I knew it would end badly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As usual, we were parked in the Jag-Car listening to the
police band radio when he heard about a noise complaint at a frat party. “Three
blocks away,” he said, “Let’s roll.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As he stomped his accelerator to the floor, I objected,
“It’s a noise complaint Eli, shouldn’t we wait for…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Not while I’m in costume!” he barked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Fine. Jaguar, for Christ’s sake.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He slammed to a screeching, smoking halt. “Take the Lord’s
name in vain again and I will fucking END YOU!” he shrieked, so completely
unhinged that I couldn’t even stammer out a “Yes Sir.” After glaring at me for
a good 30 seconds, he pulled the car to the curb and turned off the headlights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“There it is.” He pointed to a white two-story half a block
away. “We’ll wait until the police have come and gone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Couldn’t we just leave it to the police?” I asked, the
timidity in my own voice disgusting me. He responded with an elbow to the
teeth. We waited. I bled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As soon as the responding officer left, we walked in the
open door. Jaguar was careful to shut it behind him. Inside, the music was back
to blaring. It was one of those Heaven and Hell parties. The upstairs was
decked out in billowing white sheets and feathers, while cleavage-bearing
angels served crystalline liquors from sparkling shot glasses. The basement
would be a red-lit S&M den with sorority girls in leather domination suits
slinging Hellfire shots from between their breasts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jaguar flung a throwing claw into the stereo, reducing the
pounding dubstep beat to a sparking electric white-noise drone. After a
collective “What the fuck, bro?” the place fell silent under Jaguar’s bestial
presence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“There’s drugs here,” he announced. “You’ve got one chance
to turn them over.” He stared them down, his gaze so commanding that those
nearest instinctively emptied their pockets, producing near-empty bags of herb,
pipes, and a tiny vial of blow. Jaguar extended his clawed hand as if to accept
the contraband, then lashed out with a roundhouse kick to the face. The scrawny
stoner stayed down, so Jaguar headbutted the next in line. Blood exploded from
the jock’s nose, covering Jaguar’s mask with a red mist. He grinned. His glare
penetrated deeper into the crowd. “There’s more,” he demanded.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No one dared come forward. All were silent save the tearful
pleading of some hipster with a Jew-fro. It was nonsense. The standard ”Don’t
hurt me I’ll do anything you ask” gibberish. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Cut yourself,” said Jaguar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jaguar tossed a blade at his feet. “Cut yourself,” he
repeated. The hipster hesitated. “Pick it up,” demanded Jaguar. He did as he
was told, raking the blade haltingly across his forearm. “Not there,” said
Jaguar, “your throat.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this, Jaguar unleashed an ungodly howl and slashed with
his claws, tearing half the boy’s throat out. His head lolled forward as the
arterial spray doused a dozen partygoers. Jew-fro slumped to the floor, his
head offset from his neck at a sickening angle. Screaming erupted and the
stampede began. Jaguar bellowed above the din, “Do you WANT another noise
complaint?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some people think Jaguar’s claws are fake, something he
fashioned himself. They’re half-right. The claws are real, but he also made
them. Biogenetics empire, remember? Eli began his career with clawed gloves,
but they didn’t satisfy him. He wanted to feel the muscles tear beneath his
fingers. He wanted to kill, not with tools and gadgets, but with his own body
penetrating the flesh. His kills used to be quick and efficient, but tonight he
toyed with his victims like a housecat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He grabbed one of the fleeing fratboys and shredded his neck
lengthwise. He slashed at it over and over until the last threads of flesh tore
free. He held the dripping head high, presenting it to the crowd. “DRUGS KILL!”
he shrieked. Then he grabbed the nearest girl and slammed the severed head into
her own repeatedly. The sound of bone fracturing quickly gave way to the wet
slurp of blood and brain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even as he attacked, Jaguar expertly kept his body between
the crowd and the exit. When they made for the back door, he commanded me to
guard it. I made for the back of the house, if only to escape the carnage.
People were trickling out onto the back porch, but in the madness of escape, it
was becoming clogged with half-trampled bodies all clawing at one another to
get to safety. I tried to keep order. I even broke out the back window for
them, but only a few more escaped before the opening became a jammed-up
writhing mess of panic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jaguar finished up in the front room and made his way to the
back. He chuckled at the sight of the human traffic jam, then took a running
start, and slammed his shoulder into them. Did I mention that Jaguar has
superhuman strength? Nothing like Ubermensch, who can throw trains, but more
like a gorilla. It was more than enough to snap ribs and crush internal organs.
Injured bodies piled in front of the door, and Jaguar jumped up and down on
them like it was some demented bouncy house. The blood and piss flowing from
beneath the pile of bodies flooded the kitchen floor, nearly to the stairwell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh shit the basement! The music was still pounding from
below. They had no idea what was happening here in Heaven. While Jaguar was
distracted, I searched for another staircase out of his sight. When I got to
the main room, the sight dropped me and I puked onto the viscera-strewn carpet.
But I picked myself up and soldiered on, stepping carefully around the
still-twitching bodies. With each step, I could hear the squish of the
blood-saturated carpet. It was already soaking into my shoes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was no second staircase, and Jaguar invaded Hell
before I could warn them. Jaguar unseated the party’s “Satan” from his infernal
throne and installed himself there. Anyone who tried to scramble up the stairs
took a throwing claw in the back. Once Hell’s denizens knew they were trapped,
the Underworld’s new king began his reign.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As much as I want to reveal this monster’s depravity to the
world, I’m unable to detail the events that came after. Even now my mind
attempts to erase them from memory, my sanity’s final effort to save itself.
Suffice it to say that Jaguar commanded his subjects to inflict
incomprehensible cruelty on one another, and not one of them left alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As per usual, Jaguar left a calling card indicating the
slaughter took place at the hands of some super-villain. When the police
arrived, he made a show of desperately searching for survivors. They always
believe that schtick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wondered who he’d lay the blame on this time. Surely not
one of his old stand-bys. Mr. Twisted
was in jail. Necro Joe has “thrown himself” off of a parking garage. None of
the others would have been capable of the atrocities the police would discover.
So he made up a new one. When the police arrived, they found, placed just
outside the front door, a tiny wire cage containing a dead canary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can hear the steel-reinforced clunk of his boots on the
floor above me. Oh God, I think he knows I tried to help them escape. I’ve
written my confession, but how will it ever find its way out to the world? I
only hope justice finds a way.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-83561564705236346062014-10-23T15:53:00.002-06:002014-10-24T19:18:49.472-06:00What's in Your Slasher Survival Kit?My first thought, upon being contacted by Man Crates to dream up my ultimate horror crate was:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi255cfkVxvcCf16tLWzZt5CwvgHglrneEpQp76O_5BhoRBpDcPG5SqVTDWO_G4Oom6yJ9y-Ag8J_AMBUhHUaG3k797Qhy5z6DA7HzR1Z1Gk8yCSjRK1Y92zNvPgnxvU6U0k2Q6qUkHIpUr/s1600/fluffy-crate2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi255cfkVxvcCf16tLWzZt5CwvgHglrneEpQp76O_5BhoRBpDcPG5SqVTDWO_G4Oom6yJ9y-Ag8J_AMBUhHUaG3k797Qhy5z6DA7HzR1Z1Gk8yCSjRK1Y92zNvPgnxvU6U0k2Q6qUkHIpUr/s1600/fluffy-crate2.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
But that's not exactly what they were looking for. <a href="http://www.mancrates.com/">Man Crates</a> is a company that puts together <a href="http://www.mancrates.com/shop">manly gift crates</a> that must be opened with a crowbar. The themed crates range from customized bar sets to zombie apocalypse survival kits. They challenged me to concoct a crate specifically designed to help you survive a horror movie. They didn't offer me any kind of compensation in return, but I decided to go for it because A) They're a really cool company and I'd be super stoked to receive any one of their crates as a gift, and B) Because it sounded like fun.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mancrates.com/shop"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_ZIilos0zeeMJ-qEmPjI3ZYnC8nLpgtQ6tQNPUwJ_hJwh1AwNAM2TEQfF3Jy8y7uY3s6WxNrHSWkVOmJfEp3X-JlM_kBG7y0pO_3JYy065o8EIyLTfiVEey1ABxQl71O898-OLB7Cu56/s1600/man_crates_.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />
The topic was really wide open, so to focus this post, I've given myself a few ground rules:<br />
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<i>1) The crate will be specific to surviving a SLASHER flick--there are way too many horror subgenres to create an all-purpose kit, and I wouldn't have the first idea of what to put in a violent haunting kit.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>2) No weapons--Sure, that would be the first thing you'd want, but it's too easy. Sure, I'll take a flamethrower, a Desert Eagle for each hand, and a box of grenades. Sorry, but the real horror movie survivor needs to improvise their own weapons.</i><br />
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<i>3) I tried to make it plausible that Man Crates could actually put all these items in a crate. Therefore, no jetpacks, no crotch rockets, and no magic wands.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>4) I wish to stress that because most slasher film survivors are female (final girls, if you will) please consider this a (Wo)Man Crate as well.</i><br />
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Without further ado, I Present the Montana Mancave Massacre Mancrate:<br />
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Item #1: LED Flashlight</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_c1m7HpE7y-m0Yw_vcxAZTUVHbe6WFhzTN07-Y0idMYXF-kCNFWGBIJ2V3FgJINEK-oCIXs9_StiW11eLviKBk59cVHR4vsRwX03FPwA9wDw6t9TdnPw58g3PIGmrYJj-fvFY321gN5pT/s1600/Cree+Flashlight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_c1m7HpE7y-m0Yw_vcxAZTUVHbe6WFhzTN07-Y0idMYXF-kCNFWGBIJ2V3FgJINEK-oCIXs9_StiW11eLviKBk59cVHR4vsRwX03FPwA9wDw6t9TdnPw58g3PIGmrYJj-fvFY321gN5pT/s1600/Cree+Flashlight.jpg" /></a></div>
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So, this is a slasher movie--obviously it's going to be dark, most likely you'll be in the woods or at least an unfamiliar place. Sure, the dude coming at you with a branch saw is dangerous, but do you realize the amount of damage you can do to yourself bumbling around in the dark? A light source is a must.</div>
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But wait, there's more! If you've been keeping up with flashlight technology, you're probably aware that modern LED flashlights can pack a whole lot of blindness into a tiny, energy-efficient frame. Go with a flashlight of 2000 lumens or more and you'll blind that maniac, giving you a much-needed advantage. Seriously, shine this puppy directly in their eyes and they'll be seeing spots for a good 15 minutes.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNelCUXwdIIYw4HCHM6NQy0HK9pQVwlnsXM3mFDT4-7h0W5keXFDkQlacYXl01abz3s0kBnf39Ys0dllIuXlNHqmVpLGF3eqcXgwChWNJohwp23N6c_KSbJvCvOyqj3pXiT5bdwJuU5fdP/s1600/Headlamp-5000Lm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNelCUXwdIIYw4HCHM6NQy0HK9pQVwlnsXM3mFDT4-7h0W5keXFDkQlacYXl01abz3s0kBnf39Ys0dllIuXlNHqmVpLGF3eqcXgwChWNJohwp23N6c_KSbJvCvOyqj3pXiT5bdwJuU5fdP/s1600/Headlamp-5000Lm.jpg" height="151" width="200" /></a>Let's not stop there. The Cree flashlight pictured above also has a waterproof casing of aircraft-grade aluminum, 5 brightness modes, 4 metal spikes for self-defense, and an alarm to alert people to your location. Or if you want to get hardcore and go hands-free, you could always go with the 5000-lumen headlamp.</div>
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Item #2: Make sure to bring your CAT</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWzGzf0XO9mVa4WaJu_GPRWeo_X7lyFxeIJIjTfvP6WbjxP1aXNXIyhXnLze3bNbfD3ngafyLwVlGqPBG6T-XHfoK8QEPTjn25pXQ0hUbFfi_WArYlIoQ9kezzxzs1-MQGFCuGt8mQGcbS/s1600/Combat-Application-Tourniquet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWzGzf0XO9mVa4WaJu_GPRWeo_X7lyFxeIJIjTfvP6WbjxP1aXNXIyhXnLze3bNbfD3ngafyLwVlGqPBG6T-XHfoK8QEPTjn25pXQ0hUbFfi_WArYlIoQ9kezzxzs1-MQGFCuGt8mQGcbS/s1600/Combat-Application-Tourniquet.jpg" /></a></div>
That's Combat Application Tourniquet, and when the guy wearing your best friend's face as a speedo hacks half your hand off, you're going to want to stop the bleeding ASAP. Well friend, that's the magic of the CAT. It goes on quickly and you can do it with only one good hand.<br />
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You'll want to select a brand that goes on the same way for both arms and legs, because seriously, when you're bleeding to death, you're not going to remember two separate application techniques.<br />
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Also, in the spirit of improvised weapons, you could probably strangle someone with it.<br />
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That's all well and good for your extremities, but what if you get stabbed in the gut? That leads us to:<br />
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Item #3: Quick Clot</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3hn-YKTph6d7rBU93nxfIbcG_4c7X1L4Spp0eUDjN07287kwaP5Raya4guZWi7klDnOjOdkdQRtYO1K3asHQMqffZg6GWnsESmlVH4Ot_Wt69mah5LVEwR4eKtjZo9oMk2-vwlTe5XaoB/s1600/Quick-Clot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3hn-YKTph6d7rBU93nxfIbcG_4c7X1L4Spp0eUDjN07287kwaP5Raya4guZWi7klDnOjOdkdQRtYO1K3asHQMqffZg6GWnsESmlVH4Ot_Wt69mah5LVEwR4eKtjZo9oMk2-vwlTe5XaoB/s1600/Quick-Clot.jpg" /></a></div>
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There's a good reason cops and soldiers carry this stuff on them at all times. It will save your freakin' life--simple as that. A roll of QuikClot gauze contains an inert mineral called kaolin that initiates blood clotting and can achieve hemostasis in as little as 3 minutes.</div>
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Do be aware that this is a temporary measure and you won't have all night to get to the hospital. It will save your life if you suffered your grievous wound while luring your pursuer into an industrial meat grinder. But if he's still giving chase after you've found time to apply QuikClot, you may not have much fight left in you.</div>
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Item #4: Cell phone signal booster</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlv-eMyQbqpPRTFyT8zHSqlakdWJD1sHQwW49B5GgJTGUD5099ODTq1M5tO1No9V128TqJjOV9DrrPa4JDuS-d8n4WODVG3L2xQkLlYZOiqv6y-vdvXGJ4g8eKbHyjZtuqXpAg7Av_bFei/s1600/Signal-Booster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlv-eMyQbqpPRTFyT8zHSqlakdWJD1sHQwW49B5GgJTGUD5099ODTq1M5tO1No9V128TqJjOV9DrrPa4JDuS-d8n4WODVG3L2xQkLlYZOiqv6y-vdvXGJ4g8eKbHyjZtuqXpAg7Av_bFei/s1600/Signal-Booster.jpg" /></a></div>
Want to avoid those deadly cat and mouse games altogether? Try packing one of these sweet babies.<br />
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We all know the killing won't start until you're safely within a cell phone dead zone. Here's where you turn the tables on your own personal Leslie Vernon. Sure he's planned your slaughter oh so carefully, mapping out the exact limits of the cellular reception in his killing grounds. But did he consider every angle? This might just give you the advantage you need to survive.<br />
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Call a tow truck and GTFO before he can even unsheath his elk-gutter.<br />
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Item #5: Survival Knife</h3>
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Look, I know I said no weapons, so consider this a tool. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwHGo-ZqEOWTvDTa90IPAB-5DgY3BHstlwPbsjNd7ye-TIdRynO81rYjBUEIdyXJOe2tcwFBQfrUkUIh4xPZuiQKcW8AO4Aen7wKbX4Rh_EqEGWz4z8TgdOy9zLg4VzvrHzabQzcucT6dx/s1600/survival-knife.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwHGo-ZqEOWTvDTa90IPAB-5DgY3BHstlwPbsjNd7ye-TIdRynO81rYjBUEIdyXJOe2tcwFBQfrUkUIh4xPZuiQKcW8AO4Aen7wKbX4Rh_EqEGWz4z8TgdOy9zLg4VzvrHzabQzcucT6dx/s1600/survival-knife.jpg" /></a></div>
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What, are you going up against a machete-weilding ex-wrestler with this tiny pick-stick? Hells no. But might you use it to cut through your duct tape bonds? Certainly. Could you possibly sharpen a stick into a lethal spear with it? Why yes! There are literally millions of uses for a blade beyond driving it through your would-be killer's pig mask.</div>
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And as a bonus, you could also drive it through your would-be killer's pig mask.</div>
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This particular survival knife comes wrapped with a length of all-purpose paracord (another must) and a fire-starter tool.</div>
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Item #6: A good pair of gloves</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4K5XzqbXW3wLqWQc3P8nxhfLnllC62IpbqKDzEZTbqqYxg-yoqVJV_ihKaTtuNG6L5IswAaWbrdbEsvD2VBHQJahAhowkOFw7NeQlF4GvyoFU-DA4QNGQ3XUsx1IMBvvSOU652DyP1Tqz/s1600/tactical-gloves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4K5XzqbXW3wLqWQc3P8nxhfLnllC62IpbqKDzEZTbqqYxg-yoqVJV_ihKaTtuNG6L5IswAaWbrdbEsvD2VBHQJahAhowkOFw7NeQlF4GvyoFU-DA4QNGQ3XUsx1IMBvvSOU652DyP1Tqz/s1600/tactical-gloves.jpg" /></a></div>
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Never underestimate the importance of your fingers. When all else fails, you may find yourself pummeling your assailant with only your fists. Your fingers will get bloodied, bruised, and possibly broken. And have you ever seen a horror movie survivor defeat the villain with punches? Never. You'll have plenty more escaping to do after the fisticuffs, and if your hands are through, so are you. I recommend finding yourself a good pair of tactical gloves with hard polymer knuckle plating and cushioned insides to keep your hand in one piece.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZkbZJBx8f3Eq3pIbTBha-iZ_3CNqF7d8mjWxGnZpc9b9DplV2eQPPZQXfJQWLBVFhOtMBxztQPd6IHcn3SNlyFExiZQGpDp7g1PZM0jX69Rp0BCeImhh-l7g1_sUS5bc3pekX2GcAk2Ox/s1600/steel-mesh-gloves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZkbZJBx8f3Eq3pIbTBha-iZ_3CNqF7d8mjWxGnZpc9b9DplV2eQPPZQXfJQWLBVFhOtMBxztQPd6IHcn3SNlyFExiZQGpDp7g1PZM0jX69Rp0BCeImhh-l7g1_sUS5bc3pekX2GcAk2Ox/s1600/steel-mesh-gloves.jpg" /></a></div>
If you're not into fist fighting, you're still going to have to do some grabbing, grasping, and climbing on all sorts of unpleasant surfaces. And how many times have we seen someone grab the edge of a door only to have their hands slashed? Well wouldn't you know it, that's what steel mesh gloves are for! Okay, so actually their often used by butchers to avoid flaying themselves open, but if it's good enough for meat-cutting professionals, it should certainly work for you in a pinch.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj59q5QlfWH-D5AciuaUern-j_Bwkx6hrO6pVw5a96wD_t4ZflkwjVAv_eG__vRTVJvursbo0RANTdgZ5nrAtitVtq5dcra8z_BJCqheiBKN3bcype3Z84X7zZmIiH1hQxAOINsjabwrT/s1600/slashproof-sleeves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj59q5QlfWH-D5AciuaUern-j_Bwkx6hrO6pVw5a96wD_t4ZflkwjVAv_eG__vRTVJvursbo0RANTdgZ5nrAtitVtq5dcra8z_BJCqheiBKN3bcype3Z84X7zZmIiH1hQxAOINsjabwrT/s1600/slashproof-sleeves.jpg" /></a></div>
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But seriously, why mess around? Go whole hog and get yourself a nice pair of slash-proof sleeves. Remember, unprotected skin is a slasher's playground.</div>
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Item #7: Knee/Elbow pads</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3WvDWeYaLOWO7jbDs9gchWzmW3m3NqRR8rZXy1xTdZoqjRNQWs4BYZQ5GQcfyYUyMG4kDvNqRqqRQj74eZ7rQqdqGNmJ-baLT1aHYnht-iRVg3TEfBQ9EN1M2tnYO3VNfdX-x8YrUgGf1/s1600/kneepads.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3WvDWeYaLOWO7jbDs9gchWzmW3m3NqRR8rZXy1xTdZoqjRNQWs4BYZQ5GQcfyYUyMG4kDvNqRqqRQj74eZ7rQqdqGNmJ-baLT1aHYnht-iRVg3TEfBQ9EN1M2tnYO3VNfdX-x8YrUgGf1/s1600/kneepads.jpg" height="183" width="320" /></a></div>
You may view these as inessential, but when you're doing a marine crawl through a tunnel filled with splinters of human bone and teeth, you'll thank me for it.<br />
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Item #8: Tactical goggles</h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjcHkIRO-G12kmLwgLR_jW1dLPpPUmCkbVWz2gSYqIr3HCKeg9nQjACDgvsU6-ewRHppJk_qHwMn4FYOtX9_-2VGB2Fa3nANVnvye1iwVLmOYrEFSls5_9u6ijxQ7Q6CvtRt8R_PEf1c2v/s1600/Tactical-goggles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjcHkIRO-G12kmLwgLR_jW1dLPpPUmCkbVWz2gSYqIr3HCKeg9nQjACDgvsU6-ewRHppJk_qHwMn4FYOtX9_-2VGB2Fa3nANVnvye1iwVLmOYrEFSls5_9u6ijxQ7Q6CvtRt8R_PEf1c2v/s1600/Tactical-goggles.jpg" height="163" width="320" /></a></div>
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The one piece of gear that is absolutely essential if you find yourself in a Lucio Fulci movie. Eye trauma was the man's bread and butter. They also protect your eyes from arterial spray should the person next to you have his throat slashed. Add a steel mesh face mask if you want to look super-intimidating (although I'm not sure Jason's going to be deterred).</div>
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Item #9: (Optional) Foldable Grappling Hook</h3>
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Let's be honest, you've always wanted one of these daddies.</div>
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Batman's got one, you're gonna want one.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4RGL1bG-ulfn8B5PLhtVAps09UQdEcUAo-VefFjHaSAMWnmACzQeefPz1CCsiJ8h3PbcCyZ_u3Uf6Jx0AJA6-5mT49ZwrUJlKThCOeqWJyIk14yRLvOcsSp0jh8sIaiNi7yppB985E1X0/s1600/grappling-hook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4RGL1bG-ulfn8B5PLhtVAps09UQdEcUAo-VefFjHaSAMWnmACzQeefPz1CCsiJ8h3PbcCyZ_u3Uf6Jx0AJA6-5mT49ZwrUJlKThCOeqWJyIk14yRLvOcsSp0jh8sIaiNi7yppB985E1X0/s1600/grappling-hook.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a><br />
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While this might not be the most useful item in your personal bug-out bag, it will be just the ticket when you are trapped in a pit and told to put the lotion in the basket. And as survivalists everywhere will tell you, it's better to have a grappling hook and not need it, than need one and not have it.</div>
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Item #10: (Extremely Optional) Autograph book</h3>
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If you can survive a night with Michael Meyers AND manage to escape with his autograph, there's a horde of horror fans who would pay top dollar for it on Ebay. If you've got to go through Hell, you might as well make some scratch off it.</div>
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And there you have it. Now let's all sit back and pray that the good folks at Man Crates actually make this an official crate. And send me one. </div>
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Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-11268651364861193872014-07-08T14:03:00.001-06:002014-07-08T14:03:56.888-06:00New Review: Deliver Us From EvilOh, you thought I meant here. No, the review is up on <a href="http://frommidnight.blogspot.com/2014/07/deliver-us-from-bruckheimer.html">From Midnight with Love</a>. Please check it on out.<div>
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Also, forgive me for slacking on the Uwe Boll-fest, there have been personal matters. Next up is Seed, then probably Stoic. To tide you over, here's some papier mache jack-o-lanterns I made last Halloween.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgds-IPOXH0j7BcJ-gExB7CqGUZL-LdoYYkLttMsipgB8UfrSHqQvPnIdvmK8BmrPCktdEthI38noiLzlVHm9daZe6oYNZyI-LrTW5rw92D9nMnhL2rUE6Bf_ntzfaBYJqz_caPWppxIacb/s1600/Cosmo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgds-IPOXH0j7BcJ-gExB7CqGUZL-LdoYYkLttMsipgB8UfrSHqQvPnIdvmK8BmrPCktdEthI38noiLzlVHm9daZe6oYNZyI-LrTW5rw92D9nMnhL2rUE6Bf_ntzfaBYJqz_caPWppxIacb/s1600/Cosmo.png" height="357" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHDiTL5UIkKgG7MuAAsil8i5vJlcAYx7PzOUQi9R-vSWMB1nbfyafQ344rne-I7tnO1urBgJf7NZrPAJ2gYa_VgA0O2b58XphzxAvQmfkgTW6jm8E4wpty8xVj-AKqOSggIpnMthaXX6a2/s1600/Grumpkin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHDiTL5UIkKgG7MuAAsil8i5vJlcAYx7PzOUQi9R-vSWMB1nbfyafQ344rne-I7tnO1urBgJf7NZrPAJ2gYa_VgA0O2b58XphzxAvQmfkgTW6jm8E4wpty8xVj-AKqOSggIpnMthaXX6a2/s1600/Grumpkin.png" height="325" width="400" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jasognome - One of my horror-themed garden gnomes.</td></tr>
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Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-59564640139142908992014-05-28T09:39:00.000-06:002014-05-28T09:39:53.314-06:00Reconsidering Uwe Boll: Part One - Rampage (2009)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">“How can you not have heard of this movie?”</span></b><br />
My soon-to-be brother-in-law explained that Rampage was exactly my kind of movie. A dude makes his own body armor and goes on an epic shooting spree. First he bombs the police station so the town’s first line of defense is in tatters, then he stalks the streets, going from building to building to take out everyone hiding inside. The few remaining police arrive and open fire, but it's useless. He mows them down and continues the massacre, specifically targeting people who had pissed him off, but also taking out any and everybody along the way. My kind of movie indeed. It sounded nearly identical to a short story I'd conceived of years ago, but never got around to writing. I was intrigued. How had this one sneaked past me?<br />
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He pulled the movie up on his laptop as I giddily waited for the mayhem to begin. Ominous music plays over production company credits, then an abstract out-of-focus shot of some trees. A shitty car pulls into a turnout in the woods. More credits. White text on a black screen punctuated by bits of movie. A young man gets out of the car and takes off his black shirt. Dang, I know that actor, but from where? More credits. Now he's throwing his clothes into a metal barrel and dousing them with gasoline. It's nearly one minute into the movie and I'm far too excited about what is to come. The ominous music continues to slowly swell... and then the horror begins. Another credit suddenly appears, staring me in the face with a sinister smirk. That most dreaded of credits: An Uwe Boll Film.<br />
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My expectations plummeted. One minute I'm anticipating a hitherto unknown masterpiece; the next I'm preparing for a joyless slog through an incompetent, exploitative mess of a film that I'd have to pretend to like. That or tell my future family member he has deplorable taste in movies.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Totally understandable if you assumed Uwe Boll's Rampage was a live-action adaptation of this.</td></tr>
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Then the miracle. Despite everything I thought I knew about Uwe Boll, the crowdsource-crowned Worst Living Filmmaker and modern-day Ed Wood, I fucking loved it! This new Rampaging Boll is utterly unrecognizable from the hack who churned out tax-shelter video game adaptations for the better part of the aughties. This was the single most hated director of our age. His reviled name is synonymous with the worst kind of schlocky movies, not the kind that are so bad they're good, but the kind that are so bad that they make you angry for having wasted your time. Just what was going on here?<br />
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I'm still not sure what to think. Has Boll been unfairly judged all along? Did he actually improve as a filmmaker but nobody noticed because they were too busy hating on him? Or was this just some weird fluke and he made a decent film on accident? Let's examine some of the evidence, find out what exactly made Rampage so good, and see if we can surmise some answers.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Cast</span></b><br />
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All the performances (aside from the inappropriately calm barista) are uniformly good, from Matt Frewer’s well-meaning, but over-bearing father to Shaun Sipos’s YouTube-ranting, all-talk, coffeeshop revolutionary. But the true standout is Brendan Fletcher as the shooter, Bill Williamson. I remember him giving a solid, awkwardly creepy performance as a mentally-challenged person in Terry Gilliam’s Tideland, but mostly he’s one of those where-have-I-seen-him-before character actors you vaguely recognize but can’t quite place. Not anymore. Watch Rampage and you’ll start recognizing him left and right. Pop in Freddy vs. Jason and you’ll be like, “Oh shit, Brendan Fletcher’s in this? Oh yeah, he was my favorite character in this movie, why didn’t I remember him?”<br />
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As Bill Williamson, Fletcher has an awkward charm. When he's passing as normal, he's polite and reasonable, though the cracks start to show when he gets confrontational. He's also a classic wiseass with a comeback for everybody. Even in the middle of the bloodbath he'll crack an ironic, deadpan joke. But he’s also a ticking time-bomb of rage, furiously pumping iron while listening to a barrage of alarmist news stories and AM radio doomsayers. And woe be unto him who screws up his Macchiato. In the excerpts of his YouTube manifesto, Fletcher's reptilian eyes are off-the-scales creepy, and his unfazed demeanor during the shootings is chillingly real.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Style</span></b><br />
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The dialogue in Rampage is mostly improvised, giving the film a naturalistic feel and ensuring the actors aren’t just rattling off stilted script-filler that could risk turning them into cardboard placeholders rather than fully-realized characters. The camerawork is handheld, which will be off-putting for those bothered by the technique, but I thought it was fittingly chaotic. The first 3rd of the film is all character and dialogue-driven preamble to the massacre, which will be boring for those looking only for a quick fix of blood and guts, but this is important stuff. When something like this happens in the real world, that’s the first question everybody asks, “How could anyone do this? What drove them to commit these atrocities?” A film like this attempts, at least partially, to answer this question. Then it walks you, in graphic detail, through the Hell that ensues.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Is it exploitation? </span></b><br />
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A resounding Hells-Yes! But is that all it is? All horror movies are, by definition, exploitation films because they exploit our fears. They use violence, or possession, hauntings, disease that deforms our bodies, or even muthafuckin snakes on a muthafuckin plane to simulate the fear we would experience in those situations. In a way, all movies are exploitative, as they manipulate our emotions, from love to sadness to anger. There may be an element of “Too soon,” distastefulness to Rampage, and the cynics among us might chalk it up to a cheap attempt to cash in on real-world tragedies. But fuck that noise. This is horror at its most potent. In the 80s, it was all slashers, all that time, and why not? This was the era of Richard Ramirez and John Wayne Gacy. There was a very real fear that some psycho could chop you up and store you in their basement freezer. But ever since Columbine, our national fear has shifted to mass murder in crowded places. The closer to reality a horror film gets, the more potent it is, and honestly, the more important it is as art.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Meaning</span></b><br />
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Why does Bill Williamson do it? He has his reasons, which he states explicitly in the end, but Boll shows us not only the killer's words, but his world. He is constantly disrespected by his parents, his boss, his goddamned barista, and even the waitress at the chicken restaurant. He fills his hours in the echo chamber of negative sensationalist media coverage, warping his perspective. But to be fair, there’s a lot of truth in that same media coverage. So much inhumanity and indifference. A pervasive cultural malaise that can actually infect a susceptible person and prey on their violent tendencies. This ain’t no House of the Dead. This is genuine cultural commentary. It’s actually surprising how few movies have been made about mass shootings, given their pervasiveness in American life. And true to form, no one dares show it as unflinchingly as Uwe Boll.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Favorite scenes</span></b><br />
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To be perfectly honest, as much praise as I’ve heaped on this movie, much of the titular rampage comes off as rather clinical. There’s so much violence it becomes numbing. It is only in those moments where the killing-spree slows down and focuses on the victims as individuals that we really feel the gravity of the murders. As such, here’s a rundown of my favorite moments<span style="color: red;"> (Minor Spoilers ahead):</span><br />
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<blockquote>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Reloading</span></b><br />
Bill has machine-gunned down dozens of people in the streets and they have finally scattered and found shelter. One unfortunate woman is boxed in with nowhere to hide. As Bill is reloading, he spots her and says congenially, “Oh, hi. Scary shit, huh?” Then as he’s popping in a fresh clip, “Here we go,” and guns her down from ten feet away. It’s brutal.</blockquote>
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<blockquote>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Beauty Salon</span></b><br />
The streets are empty and everyone’s in hiding, so Bill’s got to go looking for them. He enters a Beauty Salon, herds the employees and patrons into a corner and has himself a little breather. He takes off his helmet and has a drink of water while the terrified women plead for their lives. He responds by mocking them with, “Chirp chirp chirp chirp,” effectively saying they’re merely a bunch a pretty little birds and nothing they can say will get through to him. You can guess how the scene ends.</blockquote>
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<blockquote>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The BINGO Parlour</span></b><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><b>Skip this section if you haven’t seen the movie. I really don’t want to spoil it.</b></span></i><br />
Bill hits the jackpot with his next stop, A crowded BINGO parlour where the docile retirees could triple his body count in two minutes. But there’s no screaming, no panic. No one bats an eye at him. He briefly terrorizes the clerk at the snack counter, then goes on to snatch a BINGO ball and calls out the numbers, ensuring that everyone finally notices him. But still, no fear, hardly a change in their facial expressions. Then he just quietly leaves, muttering, “You guys don’t need my help at all.” Classic.</blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRti6OBWgDrOHv4pBUgE-Iafg3g2qMX-7jtRz3AOQxfSIi1k3ZgEQLD-Ppbwblf-2rjtX94a0sc9ocPNoa8dyVSa2_4DBmTbduCTAeSf4qcaTNCftJb5PzVJllbHy9XXpMnDT2Yu0gigbl/s1600/Bingo45in.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRti6OBWgDrOHv4pBUgE-Iafg3g2qMX-7jtRz3AOQxfSIi1k3ZgEQLD-Ppbwblf-2rjtX94a0sc9ocPNoa8dyVSa2_4DBmTbduCTAeSf4qcaTNCftJb5PzVJllbHy9XXpMnDT2Yu0gigbl/s1600/Bingo45in.png" height="167" width="400" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68KfZ7cVks9lUyoMwNah7Wxe6I8ftA0_FEivfUaz0a6W0BAKC2l6xVGgwi3D3xWTLcNpjAPQN9Q_sLDcmcBWP6RwNpqcNjnvNUVgV0gyjPz0_Z_4MXCLvTYPQdLfWcz4CNuwZaODV0JzH/s1600/Bingo55in.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68KfZ7cVks9lUyoMwNah7Wxe6I8ftA0_FEivfUaz0a6W0BAKC2l6xVGgwi3D3xWTLcNpjAPQN9Q_sLDcmcBWP6RwNpqcNjnvNUVgV0gyjPz0_Z_4MXCLvTYPQdLfWcz4CNuwZaODV0JzH/s1600/Bingo55in.png" height="167" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Is this a fluke?</span></b><br />
<br />
That’s what I had to wonder as soon as the credits rolled on Rampage. Maybe the quality of the film had less to do with Uwe Boll than it did the acting chops of the cast. Brendan Fletcher served as co-producer, so his contribution is unquestionable. The one and a half Boll movies I’d seen before this (I turned off House of the Dead halfway through, and thought Bloodrayne was a goofy-but-enjoyable guilty pleasure) suggested I shouldn’t give too much credit in the direction department. Then I watched Seed, a film Boll had made two years earlier. Seed is deeply, perhaps even fatally flawed, but absolutely powerful in its nihilism. In short, a movie that sticks with you for quite awhile. So I have to conclude that no, Rampage was not a fluke, and the trajectory of these four films suggests a Uwe Boll that has vastly improved as a director, and is no longer worthy of the internet’s ceaseless ridicule. But I want more evidence. I’ve got to figure out this enigma. I must immerse myself in this man’s filmography and try to separate that gr-Uwe from the Boll-shit.* Won’t you join me?<br />
<br />
<i>*Okay, this joke only works if you know the man’s name is pronounced “Ooh-vay Bull,” if then.</i>
Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-77881006134092404092014-03-02T17:52:00.000-07:002014-03-03T21:23:13.596-07:00And the Winners is... MMM Awards 2013 Winners<b><span style="font-size: small;">Welcome, Whores of Salem, to the First Annual Montana Mancave Massacre Excellence in Horror Awards!</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">I
know all 22 of my readers have been waiting, huddled 'round their monitors for the suspense to be over. Fear not Cavecrawlers! The winners of
the first annual MMMies are assembled below and just a'waitin' to receive their
prizes. What prizes, you may ask? Each winner will receive, upon written
request, a framed printout (from my very own shitty Kodak printer) of the MMMie
statuette pictured above. But wait, that's not all. Additionally, each winner
will also receive a no-expenses-paid trip to Helena, MT, where they can spend a
magical evening watching a hand-picked selection of horror films with yours
truly, in the legendary Mancave. That's right, imagine, if you will, the
glamour of sitting on my paint-stained hand-me-down sofa and swilling micros
from the Blackfoot River Brewery straight from the growler while screening Dawn
of the Mummy on my 24-inch VHS/DVD combo TV. I can feel your genitals tingling
just thinking about it. So without further to-do... The Winners!</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">
The Best Actress Winner is...</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;">Meg Foster for The Lords of Salem</span></h4>
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Go ahead, call it a comeback. I was just too jazzed about Meg Foster's triumphant return to the silver screen that I couldn't help but give her the prize. She owns Lords of Salem. While on set, she had a daily habit of putting Rob Zombie into a headlock and demanding, "Who owns Lords of Salem?" When Rob would concede with a whimpered, "You do," she would only squeeze harder and say, "I do what?" Not until he answered with the appropriate, "You own Lords of Salem Ms. Foster," could that day's shooting begin. But don't feel sorry for the distinguished Mr. Zombie. He loved every minute of it.<br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">The Best Novelization Winner is...</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;">The Lords of Salem by Rob Zombie and B.K. Evenson</span></h4>
Another reason not to feel sorry for the distinguished Mr. Zombie. He's been awarded an MMMie in a category that wasn't even announced. There was literally no competition in this category, because while there were some novels adapted for the screen this year, I'm pretty sure this was the only honest-to-gods novelization of a horror movie in 2013. It's a pretty fun read too. It was written by Brian Evenson based on Rob Zombie's original screenplay, meaning that it is Zombie's vision for the film before budget constraints and other realities of filmmaking came into play. There are a few scenes I really wish would have made it into the film. For instance, when they first play the Lords record over the air, their phones start ringing off the hook with women begging for them to play it again, and men who violently hate the song. After each time they play it, a woman in Salem murders her husband or boyfriend in grisly, ritualistic fashion. But for every scene I wished had made it were about 3 things I'm glad he changed in the film. So, if you're obsessed with Lords of Salem like I am, pick this one up for sure. <br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">
The Best Actor Winner is...</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;">Toby Jones for Berberian Sound Studio</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
When I first conceived these awards, I was convinced that Best Actor was going to A.J. Bowen for You're Next! Bowen is awesome in everything, and the subtle choices he makes in it add up to perfect, especially on the second viewing. But the more I thought about it, I became convinced that no other horror movie this year was as completely dependent on its lead's performance than Berberian Sound Studio. And honestly, I was a little disappointed with the film. But I was absolutely impressed with Mr. Jones, who finally gets to be the star of a movie after a career's worth of fantastic character acting.<br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">
The Year's Most Pleasant Surprise was...</span></h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnoTWsCbHTeRFXqZ_fdMtGUhpmrlgWmmThETnip7ay2k3xEsOUk5kxzVnovNIcTpFGrruLWIjgYYX4wyh6wBGRjJVa_SIFof-dXPkC0cg0pHqaktk4kSsXig2WXsNgUnz7rURtyCGd1uA_/s1600/WYR-Winner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnoTWsCbHTeRFXqZ_fdMtGUhpmrlgWmmThETnip7ay2k3xEsOUk5kxzVnovNIcTpFGrruLWIjgYYX4wyh6wBGRjJVa_SIFof-dXPkC0cg0pHqaktk4kSsXig2WXsNgUnz7rURtyCGd1uA_/s1600/WYR-Winner.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;">Would You Rather?</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
I wasn't expecting much from this one. I love Jeffrey Combs, but his presence doesn't guarantee a movie won't suck. Other than him, the big names were Sasha Grey, who you might know from porn, and Britanny Snow, who starred in the infuriatingly bad Prom Night remake. Well, Ms. Snow completely redeems herself here, turning in a convincing and powerful performance. While there's darker places a movie with this premise could have gone, there was some pretty shocking violence and a banquet full of tension. This one came out under the IFC Midnight imprint, which should have been a tip-off that <br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">
The Best Screenplay Winner is...</span></h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;">Don Coscarelli for John Dies at the End</span></h4>
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There was some stiff competition in this category, but Coscarelli gets the MMMie simply for writing the coolest dialogue since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. While Simon Barrett and the Brothers Hayes get major points for their mastery of structure, John Dies at the End is a labyrinth of weird. Around every corner is a scene even stranger, funnier, and more imaginative than the last. And yes, David Wong gets major credit for penning the source material, but Coscarelli took that divine madness and turned it into a funhouse of a movie every bit as addictive as Soy Sauce. <br />
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<span style="color: yellow;">The Year's Biggest Disappointment was...</span></h4>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtXhhp0yrCCsjtJv9CnVduBwr6JhIhZHPXeiA5CBe3T9tzmcdAHRnu8ozAOpk29eQNmcTgxFaDDq9hgt_gcwUZgGHk4EnzB-AVRCuvyZQ-VLTrkhQrbAxE278F8VC-gVhMqvlZcDyr8SRN/s1600/LE2-Loser.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtXhhp0yrCCsjtJv9CnVduBwr6JhIhZHPXeiA5CBe3T9tzmcdAHRnu8ozAOpk29eQNmcTgxFaDDq9hgt_gcwUZgGHk4EnzB-AVRCuvyZQ-VLTrkhQrbAxE278F8VC-gVhMqvlZcDyr8SRN/s1600/LE2-Loser.jpg" height="209" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty much my expression during the whole movie.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</h4>
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<span style="color: yellow;">The Last Exorcism Part II</span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></h4>
Now I love a good slow-burn horror movie, but this one was more of a no-burn. And I'll admit I didn't make it to the end. The Last Exorcism Part 2 bears the distinction of being the only film that's ever made me walk out of the theater. So, I guess there's a chance it got really good in the last 15 minutes, but I can't imagine sitting through the first dismal 75 again just to get there.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">
The Best Director Winner is...</span></h4>
<h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCuTBguTOHB41mZs9Sx7kZ4nY-RL3rdGL1wdaTPRENM0trbiX9AExl6pVhikQUX44XEaHOp2pFvoiGNJvVfEI3CfVWB-5rrkFS6jeajGFiQBBQjS90ui_L2fbmpKYqvCOjCFxS2kZsHY9N/s1600/Wan-Winner1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCuTBguTOHB41mZs9Sx7kZ4nY-RL3rdGL1wdaTPRENM0trbiX9AExl6pVhikQUX44XEaHOp2pFvoiGNJvVfEI3CfVWB-5rrkFS6jeajGFiQBBQjS90ui_L2fbmpKYqvCOjCFxS2kZsHY9N/s1600/Wan-Winner1.jpg" height="245" width="400" /></a></div>
</h4>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">James Wan for The Conjuring</span></h4>
<br />
<br />
I'm just uber-impressed with how far James Wan has come as a filmmaker, and since this may be the last opportunity I'll have to give him an MMMie, I took it. Who knows, he might delve back into horror again someday, but I expect it will be a good long while. Cheers, Mr. Wan, I'm looking forward to subjecting you to Shriek of the Mutilated when you finally make it 'round to the old mancave to collect on your prize.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">
Special Achievement in Gore Award goes to...</span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUWdMGQKvsx3WAho8gya2vuOrfWT9WAy-o7Z-ybSridk3wJnif2lKNIWBaaxQSGxkhSpT_nX4hGzL66fYdhaaZRekZbIFjpU6ZH2e0hv3iV8S4ooVKM0IYB5CUhgEBJ16aKTj7mEBbmmZ/s1600/Evil-Dead-cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUWdMGQKvsx3WAho8gya2vuOrfWT9WAy-o7Z-ybSridk3wJnif2lKNIWBaaxQSGxkhSpT_nX4hGzL66fYdhaaZRekZbIFjpU6ZH2e0hv3iV8S4ooVKM0IYB5CUhgEBJ16aKTj7mEBbmmZ/s1600/Evil-Dead-cover.jpg" height="400" width="271" /></a></div>
<h4>
</h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr88nCoIe39uU6GsQ9ad_f4-PpMa4UyMcs0cNqR4ayPIZfFzkMbfx6aKC1BZT9yi8n_M8EI_i2XONi0sITT8tdMhpAKyj7B-b4S3xbd782a98hkLc79KhnTX0PTkzwD3CTIhzhflf3irHq/s1600/Evil+Dead+201.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr88nCoIe39uU6GsQ9ad_f4-PpMa4UyMcs0cNqR4ayPIZfFzkMbfx6aKC1BZT9yi8n_M8EI_i2XONi0sITT8tdMhpAKyj7B-b4S3xbd782a98hkLc79KhnTX0PTkzwD3CTIhzhflf3irHq/s1600/Evil+Dead+201.PNG" height="168" width="400" /></a></div>
<h4>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbdVv_9oqN0jI7o8h8ZkZWZiU8sLJcrLNSkWjOaQWswoBwb0a4tVkc7IkHOunF3JnSdW92edpE8tbuCQYQTDpbZ8hu5vpFMEiwCKgUhG18Tt5mRaYVhlJkCxRB-xx-Z1strniddtwFsfve/s1600/Evil-Dead-Arm-Drop.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbdVv_9oqN0jI7o8h8ZkZWZiU8sLJcrLNSkWjOaQWswoBwb0a4tVkc7IkHOunF3JnSdW92edpE8tbuCQYQTDpbZ8hu5vpFMEiwCKgUhG18Tt5mRaYVhlJkCxRB-xx-Z1strniddtwFsfve/s1600/Evil-Dead-Arm-Drop.gif" height="161" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">If a picture's worth a thousand words, an animated gif is worth, like... more.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">Evil Dead</span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
While it didn't make the cut for my top 5 best horror films, I really enjoyed Fede Alvarez's gruesome remake of Evil Dead. I suppose the film was just too light on character to push it to the top of my list, but the special effects kicked every other film's proverbial ass. This one's really fun, and I'm glad most of the initial naysayers came around.<br />
<br />
<br />
But now, it's the moment a couple of you might have been waiting for...<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">
And Winner of the First Annual MMM Excellence in Horror Award for Best Picture is...</span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;"> </span></h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: yellow;">You're Next!</span></h4>
<br />
<br />
I've been firmly aboard the Adam Wingard bandwagon since I saw A Horrible Way to Die, and many of the same things I love about that film are the very reasons I'm so enamored of this one. The characters and dialogue are very natural, very believable. While I don't always like them, I always relate at some level, or at least recognize them in people I know (okay, except for the psychos). I think the newly-dubbed mumblegore subgenre does everything that found footage movies are trying and mostly failing to do: adding that level of realism that makes the film all the more frightening. At times, particularly during the dinner scene, if feels like it could be a documentary of a real family, and it does it without having to explain why one of the characters never puts the camera down. Khalfoun's Maniac also achieves this, and is certainly more disturbing than You're Next! In fact, it was originally going to win the Best Picture MMMie, but after rewatching them both, You're Next! had the edge. Maniac is a great horror film that's easier to appreciate than to love, but You're Next! is a perfumed love letter sealed with a big, wet smootch to horror nerds everywhere.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>
Bonus List: Top 5 Kills of 2013 </b><br />
As the credits roll on the first annual MMMies, here's a list I wrote that originally appeared on the If We Made It Podcast. It's way better when you hear those guys read it aloud, but in case you prefer the written word, here 'tis:<br />
<br />
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<![endif]--><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Marvin the Macabre’s Top Five Movie Kills of 2013:</span></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>#5 – The Blender Kill from You’re Next</b></span></span></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So, You’re Next is going balls-out,
blowing everyone’s tiny minds with homicide after brutal homicide, and the next
thing you know, it turns full-on ridiculous when Australia's sweetheart Sharni
Vinson jams a broken blender into a dude’s skull and plugs it in. Now, I know
the homeowner is a former defense contractor and can probably afford a top of
the line blender, but the human skull is somewhat thick. I’m calling bullshit.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So why does it make my top kills
list? Because it’s the set-up to the
year’s second greatest line of dialogue:</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A.J. Bowen: “Where’s Felix?”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sharni Vinson: “I stuck a blender in
his head and killed him.” </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It doesn’t look like much on paper,
but it’s all in the delivery. (The year’s best line, by the way, is “That door
cannot be opened!” Again, it doesn’t really work out of context.)</span></span><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>#4 – X is for XXL from The ABCs of Death</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The ABCs of Death is a wildly uneven
compilation of shorts that range from dumb to boring to hilarious to truly
disturbing. The cumulative effect of 26 batshit horror stories delivered
rapid-fire was to make me honest-to-god sick to my stomach. A lot of that had
to do with Xavier Gens’s third-to-last segment, X is for XXL. In it, an obese
girl who gets picked on for her weight takes matters into her own hands by
carving herself into her ideal shape. It takes some effort not to gag during
this one.</span></span><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>#3 – Opening Kill from The Thompsons</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So there’s this couple about to get
it on in the woods, then they stop because they see someone watching them. Then
they start hearing these weird sing-songy chants coming from different
directions. They decide to get the fuck out of there, but too late--they're
already being chased by two masked men. The masks turn out to be severed human
faces. When the murderers catch up to the couple, they force them to continue
the show, making them strip down and have sex in front of them. Then,
mid-coitus, one of the psychos starts stabbing the dude in the face. Blood
pours out onto the screaming girl as her boyfriend’s face is removed. It’s
times like these I really have trouble justifying my taste in movies.</span></span><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>#2 – RedLucie86 from Maniac</b></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrOld0J-0BdVZB76UTz38e38-bRgbAFelXKQeGbbYMXsVqbzWsVA85UzW9Y2nHFJCyuT8DT4oOekUI9_9fVpM55Gbt6HSFAg96HSTUfDXaFcXX25O_2VGkuBzORccCtTO-vUhKLF-KsZG9/s1600/RedLucie86.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrOld0J-0BdVZB76UTz38e38-bRgbAFelXKQeGbbYMXsVqbzWsVA85UzW9Y2nHFJCyuT8DT4oOekUI9_9fVpM55Gbt6HSFAg96HSTUfDXaFcXX25O_2VGkuBzORccCtTO-vUhKLF-KsZG9/s1600/RedLucie86.jpg" height="231" width="400" /></a></div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It was difficult choosing just one
kill from the incredibly violent, incredibly awesome Maniac. But RedLucie’s
death really packs a punch because as an audience, we experience the whole
thing, from the intial online chat to the date, followed by the seduction and
finally the murder, through the eyes of her killer. I don’t know about you, but
I was charmed by her during the date, and I was seduced by her afterward. And
there’s no surprise that she’s going to die—we knew that from the beginning.
There’s just this growing dread as the date goes on, and the more we start to
like Lucie, the greater the dread becomes.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The murder itself is a simple
strangling, but the pain on Lucie’s face is almost unbearable. And to top the
whole thing off, we are treated to a graphic scalping that I’m not sure I’ve
ever managed to get through without looking away. That’s right, for a hardcore
horror geek, I’m kinda squeamish.</span></span><br />
</div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>#1 – Jane Levy Chainsaws her Deadite Doppelganger in Evil
Dead</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">For pure, unadulterated,
gleefully-rendered gore, 2013 saw no film that came close to Fede Alvarez’s
Evil Dead. This one turned the violence and viscera up to 11 within the first
half hour, so how do you top that? With a climax that literally rains blood and
features the most over-the-top kill in recent memory. Our heroine faces off
with the deadite version of herself, and chainsaws her in half from the guts
straight through to the top of her head. The cherry on top comes when we see
the vanquished deadite on the ground, splayed out in two halves with her eyes
still twitching. Just magnificent.</span></span><br />
</div>
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</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Honorable Mention: Marconi Meets the Meat Monster from John
Dies at the End</b></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I couldn’t let this list go without
paying respect to the badassness that is Clancy Brown as Marconi. He manages to
make a demonic manifestation explode with a phone call, proving that Clancy
Brown is God’s favorite human and reminding us that he will always be cooler
than us, even when he’s just phoning it in.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
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<br />Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-45907974354541296872014-02-28T16:03:00.000-07:002014-02-28T16:05:50.907-07:00MMM Awards 2013 - Best Director/Best Picture Nominees<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 120%;">You know how the
winner of the Best Director Oscar almost always goes to the director of
the movie that ends up winning Best Picture? This is unsurprising, given
that the director is
the person most directly responsible for the (artistic) success of a
film. While I tried to be all contrarian and nominate Rob Zombie for
best director, but not Lords of Salem for Best Picture, ultimately I
decided to make the nominations the same. The awards,
however, will remain separate categories. So without further ado...
Noms, Beeotches!</span><br />
<h4>
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;"> </span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;">Don Coscarelli / John Dies at the End</span></h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcDqFO9JmcGiqKt5M6uphpoVTxiv7-uHoT9sJRhy2bjxPsgUeOFvkyjJ92k3gVUFt6yz7A3kcXrsOZBJExlY-vXeNK5v3H_Sh-BTHSfKwL39WaX4G-krIMPruWeUEkz9LzIIQHAmF1mSpX/s1600/DonCoscarelli.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcDqFO9JmcGiqKt5M6uphpoVTxiv7-uHoT9sJRhy2bjxPsgUeOFvkyjJ92k3gVUFt6yz7A3kcXrsOZBJExlY-vXeNK5v3H_Sh-BTHSfKwL39WaX4G-krIMPruWeUEkz9LzIIQHAmF1mSpX/s1600/DonCoscarelli.jpg" height="207" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 120%;">Among the horror
luminaries of the late seventies, who is currently making the best films
of their career? If you answered Dario Argento, that’s funny, smartass.
If you answered, “None
of them,” then you obviously haven’t been keeping up with Don
Coscarelli. While Coscarelli is more known for delivering truly strange
cinematic experiences than gonad-shrinking horror films, I think we can
all agree he plays to his strengths and that it serves
him well. More comedy than horror, John Dies at the End is probably the
single-most rewatchable film of the year. Coscarelli keeps the pace
fast and the one-liners in steady supply. Tonally, the film has more in
common with the comedy classics of the eighties
(I’m thinking Ghostbusters, Better Off Dead, Weird Science, etc.) than
the current Apatovian generation of comedy. It’s not afraid to dip into
the absurd, veering into the unexpected at every turn. I also love how
Coscarelli has concentrated on creating unique
visuals, making this movie his most iconic since the original Phantasm.
Hopefully “This Movie is Full of Spiders” is in the works.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIB2yu3n1FhRw_NI21fFytFvFUSK82J_3UOHOFMGdixEAt_ZGZmaF_-ceQFTeJFWRd2Gu2RlkNif28GiaTWCL9NXOvU0a9N-u0JUgNYLUB5Tjb5lmqOO4eve4mWKhiDLpJCLXgdqN5zFzJ/s1600/John-Dies---Flamethrower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIB2yu3n1FhRw_NI21fFytFvFUSK82J_3UOHOFMGdixEAt_ZGZmaF_-ceQFTeJFWRd2Gu2RlkNif28GiaTWCL9NXOvU0a9N-u0JUgNYLUB5Tjb5lmqOO4eve4mWKhiDLpJCLXgdqN5zFzJ/s1600/John-Dies---Flamethrower.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<h4>
</h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;"> </span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;">Neil Jordan / Byzantium</span></h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6sIqrpNZkbJB8CaWz4LFBrWXQPINq1grXjgcwkJAWwBmTz_4lbv1pusET3a8QDklq_rMnbdl2nF4AJln2TUUgzx_GJH8Ca_w9ndrOv-OEDot0yTexjVHkMG7ZA6PuBoeLRzq7Lz-oYTpM/s1600/NeilJordan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6sIqrpNZkbJB8CaWz4LFBrWXQPINq1grXjgcwkJAWwBmTz_4lbv1pusET3a8QDklq_rMnbdl2nF4AJln2TUUgzx_GJH8Ca_w9ndrOv-OEDot0yTexjVHkMG7ZA6PuBoeLRzq7Lz-oYTpM/s1600/NeilJordan.jpg" height="198" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 120%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 120%;">I didn’t see this one
in time to nominate either of the two leads in the best actress
category, however, please consider both Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan
retroactively nominated
(swelling the nominees to a heaping 12). Every frame of Byzantium is visually stunning, the performances are impeccable, and the storytelling the work of a veteran filmmaker still in his prime. Like most modern vampire films, Byzantium isn't out to scare anyone. It's a character study that examines human mortality through the lens of mythical immortal beings. As for its vampire lore, it bucks convention in several ways, most noticeably the absence of fangs. These vamps have a retractable thumb claw they use to pierce jugulars. While it seems like a small detail, the effect it has is to make the killings look like murders rather than sexual encounters. And these vampires, while impervious to sunlight, aren't super-powered creatures. They are as vulnerable as the humans they hunt and must rely on wits and surprise to earn their meals. Not only is Byzantium one of the best horror films of the year, it's one of the best vampire films period.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigE36qwKy5Tt65d6Uh4CtZ0F-1CcjV6eSsWa7ZXR75F8fAZA8etm1TUyrMIqDXSJrBxA6ZTFuHOHq22VNLmd2tkZAa6_qgADBxEPer5D2d7FL1_JGNcIfpg9LV-z3t6oEQ82_YHL9mLcG3/s1600/ByzantiumKill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigE36qwKy5Tt65d6Uh4CtZ0F-1CcjV6eSsWa7ZXR75F8fAZA8etm1TUyrMIqDXSJrBxA6ZTFuHOHq22VNLmd2tkZAa6_qgADBxEPer5D2d7FL1_JGNcIfpg9LV-z3t6oEQ82_YHL9mLcG3/s1600/ByzantiumKill.jpg" height="222" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vampire Gemma turns some dude into a drinking fountain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<h4>
</h4>
<h4>
<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;">Franck Khalfoun / Maniac</span></h4>
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<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 120%;">Maniac is easily the
most horrifying film of 2013. From the shocking opening murder and
scalping to the quickly-deteriorating would-be romance that goes
terribly awry, this movie feels
real, and reality feels gross. What this remake gets right is that
Frank Zito can’t go straight from the most out-of-control homicidal
freak in the western hemisphere to a super-suave ladies man from one
scene to the next, which was the downfall of the original
(also, imagining a beautiful, successful photographer would have any
interest in a dude looking like Joe Spinell is too much disbelief to
suspend). This version of Frank makes much more sense because he’s
attractive in Elijah Wood’s non-threatening, boyish
way, he’s mostly capable of blending into society, and he shares a very
specific niche passion with his love interest, lending the attraction
some credibility. Khalfoun’s decision to shoot the movie almost entirely
from Frank’s point of view was a risk that
ultimately paid off in spades. There’s a side of Frank that clearly
doesn’t want to be doing what he does, but he’s powerless to stop.
Shooting POV-style with the audience as the killer puts us in exactly
this position. We don’t want him to kill all those
women, but we’re forced to bear witness. Oh hell, who am I kidding,
we’re horror fans, obviously we want him to kill those women, and we
even manage to enjoy it, excruciating a viewing experience as it is.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 120%;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 120%;">James Wan / The Conjuring</span></h4>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sorry James, my parents told me how babies are made when I was eight.</td></tr>
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The Conjuring is the only film on this list that I actually reviewed, so I don’t feel the need to write about it at length (<a href="http://montanamancavemassacre.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-conjuring-one-hell-of-haunted-house.html">Here’s the review</a>, if you’re interested). I’d just like to note that, for me, half the fun of the movie was seeing how themes and elements from James Wan’s previous films came together so effectively. Prior to The Conjuring, I knew James Wan as a director who made good-but-not-great horror films. I always find plenty to like in his movies, but I’ve never felt like he was getting everything right. However, The Conjuring is the work of a man who has finally mastered his craft. And while we’re losing the man to big-budget action films, I get the sense that he’s not leaving horror with contempt for the genre, but rather a fond, "My work here is complete."</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Adam Wingard / You’re Next!</span></h4>
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Did you know that up until You’re Next!, every wide-release horror film to come out in 2013 was the number one release for its respective weekend (with the exception of World War Z, which was #2, but it made more money than most of the #1’s). It seemed like Adam Wingard’s year to hit the big time, and the box office forecasts agreed, predicting it too would open at number one. It was one of my most anticipated movies for two years running; I was desperate to see it and I figured everyone else would be too. And then it debuted at number a miserable #6. This was all the more surprising because it was so freaking good! I figured word of mouth would get out and make it a sleeper hit, but ticket sales dried up quickly and it soon disappeared from theaters. Despite this disappointment, the movie is still a hit, considering it grossed, like, 18 times its budget. But still, I thought it would be this generation’s Scream.</div>
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Box office aside, the movie is fast, fun, and rewatchable as hell. It’s not so much a game-changer as it is a sign that the filmmakers doing horror today take their craft seriously and are elevating the genre by injecting it with actual characterization and attention to storytelling. I love Jason Voorhees as much as the next guy, but honestly, even at the time those slashers were seen as throwaway cinematic junk food. And while You’re Next! is a piece of entertainment that doesn’t pretend to have loftier goals, it is a cleverly-conceived, expertly-executed gem of the genre, and a horror fan’s wet, bloody dream.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span>Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9204117349756994071.post-53337344736879289512014-02-20T22:16:00.001-07:002014-02-20T22:16:01.687-07:00MMM Awards 2013 - Best Screenplay Nominations<h4>
Simon Barrett - You're Next! </h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Here's a trick for you. How do you write a slasher/home invasion flick that's both effectively horrifying and truly funny without descending into self-parody? And how do you write a movie that's funny, yet contains no real jokes? Also, how do you write this movie in such a way that if the horror elements were removed, it would still be an engaging family drama? Ask Simon Barrett. Not only are the characters and dialogue genuine, but the tightly crafted plot unwinds expertly, with each reveal perfectly timed. While I was watching it, the first big reveal seemed to come too soon in the movie. I felt like, I'm not supposed to know that yet, but Barrett knows what he's doing. This information sets up some truly Hitchcockian tension later on. This guy knows his horror, and plays with audience expectations like a true veteran. Here's to a long, productive career, Mr. Barrett. </span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;">Best line: "I stuck a blender in his head and killed him."</span><br />
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Moira Buffini - Byzantium</h4>
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Ad<span lang="EN">apting her own stage play: A Vampire Story, Moira Buffini penned some of the most eloquent dialogue even spoken in a genre film. The story itself is relatively simple, yet the way Buffini structures it endows the film with enough mystery to keep it compelling while keeping the central focus on her characters. The device of having Eleanor tell bits of her story to various people keeps the narrative non-linear and allows Buffini to time her reveals with surgical precision. Eleanor and Clara are two very different women with wildly different experiences in their formative years, yet who have been together for two centuries. The fun of Byzatium is that we see these women at a specific point in their lives, get to know their wildly different personalities, and bit by bit, get pieces of insight about what made them the people (okay, vampires) they’ve become. A compelling story, beautifully told.</span><br />
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Don Coscarelli - John Dies at the End</h4>
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I'm not sure how much of it is Don Coscarelli and how much is David Wong, but I will be quoting dialogue from John Dies at the End on my deathbed. From what I understand, adapting a book as insane and expansive as this took some doing. People who've read it complain that Coscarelli used only about a third of the book, picking and choosing scenes he wanted to include and leaving out major events. To me, this only proves his skill as a screenwriter. Instead of trying to jam everything in, he created something distinctly different, yet in the same spirit as the novel. It's also encouraging to see that someone who's been in the horror game as long as Coscarelli is only getting better while his contemporaries fade from the spotlight.<br />
<span style="color: yellow;">Best dialogue (aside from "That door cannot be opened."):</span><br />
<span style="color: yellow;">David: "Are you familiar with the old human saying, 'I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard'?"</span><br />
<span style="color: yellow;">Roger North: "I don't believe I do."</span><br />
<span style="color: yellow;">David: "Well maybe you'll hear it again in the next 24 hours if you don't fuck with me." </span><br />
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Chad and Carey Hayes - The Conjuring</h4>
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The Conjuring is one slick, tightly-crafted thrill ride of a movie. Make no mistake, this is mainstream Hollywood stuff, but it's not the cynical, just-out-to-make-a-buck piece of Michael Bay-produced shit. This is quality horror, lovingly created by people who actually give a shit about making an awesome movie. And while director James Wan gets the lion's share of the credit for the film's mood and pacing, he was building on a rock solid foundation laid down by the Brothers Hayes. They deserve major props just for the decision to not only open with a pee-your-pants-scary possessed doll sequence, but to spring that little bitch on us again in the third act.<br />
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Alice Lowe, Steve Oram, and Amy Jump - Sightseers</h4>
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<span lang="EN">Written and conceived by the films two stars, Sightseers is the anti-Natural Born Killers. It portrays perhaps the most low-key killing spree ever committed to film. Tina is a reserved, homebody barely able to stand up to her overbearing mother, while her new boyfried Chris is an avid sightseer with interests as fascinating as tram museums and injection-molded plastics. He also happens to be completely unhinged when it comes to things like littering. Lowe and Oram perfectly capture the mundane details of life as an ordinary, boring couple on holiday, yet infuse the film with violence and gore that leaves you mildly shocked despite your laughter. While it is a comedy with a fairly absurb premise, the characters are fully realized, and half the fun is watching Tina bloom from a mousy little victim into someone in charge of her own destiny. Not to spoil anything, but the last moments of the film are completely unexpected, yet make perfect sense in terms of the characters and their motivations. Sightseers barely qualifies as horror, because it doesn’t even try to scare you, but it should satisfy horror fans who prefer to take their comedy black.</span><br />
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</span>Marvin the Macabrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15339681552363692948noreply@blogger.com0