P2 - How Rachel Nichols's Boobs Almost Ruined a Feature Film

I said "almost," okay?

But before I reveal myself as a complete sexist pig, let's discuss the non-Rachel-Nichols's-Boobs aspects of the film.

P2 is a 2008 horror film written and produced by one of my favorite new(ish) filmmakers, Alexandre Aja and his partner in crime, Gregory Levassuer. Aja handed over directing duties to Franck Khalfoun on this one, but it still bears Aja's trademark suspense (or should I say haute tension?). The film takes place after hours on Christmas Eve in an all-but-abandoned parking garage. Angela (Nichols) has been working long hours and is already way late for a Christmas get-together at her sister's house when her car (surprise) won't start. The friendly and helpful security guard, Thomas (Wes Bentley), comes to her aid shortly before drugging her and chaining her to a table for a nice Christmas Eve dinner.

With a set-up like this, you can expect a relatively low body count, a lot of psychological tension, and a heaping helping of Wes Bentley-brand Crazy Eyes!

Wes Bentley's Crazy EyesTM

"Thanks for ruining Christmas, ASSHOLE!"

I don't know what it is about Wes Bentley, but I get really excited whenever he shows up in a movie.  I've liked him ever since I first saw him in American Beauty, but if I'm being honest, he hasn't shown me much else to recommend him. In fact, in Ghost Rider he was spectacularly awful. In P2, he swings wildly back and forth from a charming, personable guy to a complete raving nutbag, but he does it well. When he's putting on the charm, he's genuinely likable, and when he loses it, he comes completely unhinged.

Rooooaar!!!

Like him or hate him as an actor, in P2 he's never boring, and he owns the screen every second he's on it. Except, of course, when he has to share it with Rachel Nichols's boobs.

I came here to SPOIL THIS MOVIE for you, and to chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum.

Alright, here's why I lay the blame for nearly ruining this movie on Ms. Nichols's otherwise perfect breasts: Early on in the film, Thomas drugs Angela and puts her in a lovely white dress for Christmas dinner. Here's what she looks like in the dress:

Spectacular, yes? Just about makes your eyes pop out of your head, right? Exactly. That's the problem. All the effort Khalfoun puts into building tension is undercut by the cut of her dress. Oh, there's a big freakin' Rottweiler she's got to sneak past? Terrifyi... huh, huh, boobies.

Damn! She's trapped in the trunk of a car! She's going to miss her only chance to alert the cops who are just about to leave unless she can... My God would you look at those things!

Oh Hell, she's trapped in an elevator that is rapidly filling with water! Do I even care? All I can think about is that she's wearing a white dress that is about to get very, very wet.

I don't mean to sound so fixated, but Ms. Nichols, your breasts are downright distracting. A neckline a mere 3 inches higher would have heightened the tension of the movie by a power of ten. There are, however, some effective scenes in which her chest is not in frame. For instance, there's the incredibly gory, incredibly disturbing vehicular homicide scene.

The intestines aren't actually the worst part of this scene. The way the body slides down the wall just kills me.

Then there's Rachel Nichols stabbing a dog in the neck with a tire iron. Hey, you know, when you're actually looking at her face, she's a pretty good actress.

And of course, there's Wes Bentley getting his Elvis-karaoke on to Blue Christmas, giving Rachel ample time to locate an axe.

...but I'll have a bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo Christmas...

I suppose that leaves the question of whether the movie was any good. Some good performances and a stunning kill sequence aside, P2 is nothing special. I enjoyed it, and I'll probably watch it again, but I can't heartily recommend it to anyone but fans of Wes Bentley... or boobs.

Wes Bentley, or Boobs?